6 ms·

Co-incidentally, I recently read the book referenced in the article: http://www.amazon.com/Love-Limerence-Experience-Being/dp/0812862864/ http://www.amazon.com

Co-incidentally, I recently read the book referenced in the article: http://www.amazon.com/Love-Limerence-Experience-Being/dp/0812862864/ http://www.amazon.com/Love-Limerence-Experience-Being/dp/081... While it's short on prescriptions for actually overcoming limerence, I found it helpful in at least understanding the mechanisms driving my limerent feelings. If you want help coping with limerence, the tribes.com forum may be of some help (though a fair amount of it is simply people broadcasting their neuroses). I have found some nuggets of good advice however: http://tribes.tribe.net/limerence http://tribes.tribe.net/limerence It's hard to say whether limerence is in and of itself a problem. Tennov takes a NPOV. Certainly, if you're supposed to be working and instead you're daydreaming about someone it's a problem. Like a lot of things, it lies on a spectrum from pleasurable to pathological or dangerous. Still, I would agree with the author's point that understanding the distinction between limerance and love can be helpful.

jeb 16y ago
I somehow discovered how to overcome limerence. The answer is simple - you have to trick the very subconsious that is forcing you have these feelings with it's own methods. Basically, what you do is that as soon as you start thinking of this person, imagine a series of events, starting with this person actually becoming yours, that lead to your utter fall and destruction. Like : "We fall in love, I go broke, cockroaches swarm all over the house". Done for two to three weeks, it basically cured me of all these feelings.
- asdflkj 16y ago
  Sweet! I've got this other problem, though--I really enjoy sunshine. Anyone got a cure for that?
  - dbshapco 16y ago
    Seattle.
    - deleted 16y ago
      [deleted]
  - clicks 16y ago
    I understand what you're getting at, but limerence certainly can be a bad thing, as msluyter pointed out (" Like a lot of things, it lies on a spectrum from pleasurable to pathological or dangerous."). Here's a good example of one in action: http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/cgot5/askreddit_how_do_i_make_myself_fall_out_of_love/ http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/cgot5/askreddit_h...
  - jerf 16y ago
    Limerance can wreck your life. I'm not kidding. Being with someone just long enough to have a kid may be optimal for your genes, but can really cramp your style in the modern world. The person whom I was most strongly limerant with was both unmarriable and not someone I want to be connected to by a kid for the rest of my life. Using my brain, or perhaps rather the rest of my brain, and not treating limerance as some mystical holy thing is probably in the top three best decisions I have ever made in my life, along with marrying the person for whom I never had a lot of limerance (a smidge, I suppose, but nothing by comparison), just shared values, life goals, senses of humor, and the ability to have a strong truth-based relationship with each other. You know, all that unimportant stuff next to the question of whether I feel floaty around her. Use your brain. All of it. Nobody will save you if you don't; they all think this same stupid thing. (For that matter, it's also dangerous to think that a relationship must be built on limerance and once it fades it's "over". I suppose there are more reliable ways to fail at relationships, but this is up there. The question is not whether it'll ever be "over", the question is, what will you have left once it's "over"?)
    - stat 16y ago
      I strongly agree. Limerance has never been a "great feeling" for me, especially because it pushes one to take important decisions that they would have never taken otherwise. What's best for your genes is not necessarily what's best for you.
      - sliverstorm 16y ago
        > What's best for your genes is not necessarily what's best for you That brings about all sorts of meta-questions. I mean, for starters who's to say that's true? Is what's best for you really whatever makes you happy, or is what's best for you what's best for your genes?
        stat 16y ago
        We have evolved the ability to pursue goals that are more fulfilling than simply "Passing on the genes". That's why, for one thing, we have condoms. People can consciously decide whether to have children or not, and I believe most educated people agree that this is a good thing. There is no reason why we should allow evolution (which has zero foresight) to dictate what's good for us.
- nooneelse 16y ago
  When finally tired of an unrequited limerence many years back, I used anger. Whenever they came to mind, I made myself get angry at them. I would reminded myself of all the things they had done knowing that it would string me along in that state just a while longer or some small slight that, because of my feelings, they had known they could get away with, or something like that. Very similar to your method, I didn't let them enter my mind without drawing up this rebuttal feeling. About three weeks later it was amazing how free and clear my head felt. Like part of me had been asleep or drugged for years.
dtf 16y ago
The cure for limerance is simple: time. Namely, 2 to 3 years.
- cousin_it 16y ago
  I'd go further and say that the cure is psychological time, i.e. having more intense experiences per hour. You have to isolate yourself completely from the object of your infatuation and then try to have very intense days, like those you had in childhood or boot camp. Do new stuff, win battles, lose battles, have sex with a lot of people. From my experience, this will cure your infatuation way faster than sitting in a room. If all parts of your mind are constantly occupied with other stuff, you go very quickly from "can't stop thinking about him/her" to "wow, a full hour without unhappy thoughts and I feel okay", to a day clean, then a week...
  - georgieporgie 16y ago
    > I'd go further and say that the cure is psychological time, i.e. having more intense experiences per hour. If I understand you correctly, you're basically saying what is more bluntly phrased, "get a life," or "get out more," in which case I entirely agree with you. As someone who once lost an object of limerant obsession, I can say the worst thing you can do is stay in the same place, doing the same thing. I noticed when traveling last year, I bumped into a number of freshly broken-up people. They are clearly wiser than I was.
ido 16y ago
Why would you want to overcome limerence? My problem is that it tends to go away after awhile...
- philh 16y ago
  Because if not reciprocated, it can be horribly depressing.
- sliverstorm 16y ago
  You have, in essence, answered your own question. My ex was convinced with the right person, limerence will last forever. Maybe she was right, but I very very very strongly suspect she was not. Overcoming it is useful because: 1: It will eventually end 2: When it does end, you'll be in for a shock- to say the least Essentially, if it lasted forever things would be great and this wouldn't be a problem. Since it doesn't, the sooner you get past it the better as far as making life choices goes.
  - ido 16y ago
    I can understand that, but I still disagree with your conclusion. Know that it doesn't last, enjoy it while it's there and try to lay the foundations for an adult relationship in the meanwhile, so that you could get past the infatuation phase (which, as you say, is inevitable) without breaking up. Being with a partner who thinks it can last forever if they just find the perfect person can be a recipe for disaster, though one would hope most people grow out of that state of mind after a few attempts.
    - sliverstorm 16y ago
      It's not my argument, but I do see some validity. You suggest 'enjoy it while its there' which is excellent advice- but at the same time, simply put, life-changing decisions aren't going to sit around and wait 3 years for limerence to wear off.
      - ido 16y ago
hernan7 16y ago
Sorry, non-native English speaker here... Never heard the term "limerence before". Seems to be a kinda-sorta synonym of "infatuation", no? Why everybody in this thread is using it instead of just "infatuation" -- some Internet meme that I'm not aware of?
- elblanco 16y ago
  "Infatuation" has a slightly different meaning distinct from "love" while "limerence" is a distinct and precise form of "love". Just like love can be an umbrella term for a number of similar but different emotions (love like siblings, love between parents and children, love between friends, etc.), "limerence" might also be called a "crush" or "puppy love" (if I read the article correctly). I think you can probably use it loosely as a synonym with infatuation in most contexts but the meaning is ever so slightly different. I never heard it before today either, English has a far too many words.
- gruseom 16y ago
  It's not a real word. It was coined by the author of the book, and http://www.google.com/search?q=limerence http://www.google.com/search?q=limerence makes clear that usage of it is limited to discussions based on the book. It's a strange neologism, too, that doesn't sound right to my ear. What's the etymology? The only thing I can think of is limen (threshold) as in liminal and subliminal.
  - deleted 16y ago
    [deleted]
  - danohuiginn 16y ago
    It seems there is no etymology: According to the creator, "I first used the term ‘amorance’ then changed it back to ‘limerence’... It has no roots whatsoever. It looks nice. It works well in French. Take it from me it has no etymology whatsoever." http://www.languagehat.com/archives/001708.php http://www.languagehat.com/archives/001708.php I also find myself feeling slightly uneasy when confronted by a word without etymology. Knowing it was consciously made up is somehow reassuring.

jeb 16y ago

I somehow discovered how to overcome limerence. The answer is simple - you have to trick the very subconsious that is forcing you have these feelings with it's own methods. Basically, what you do is that as soon as you start thinking of this person, imagine a series of events, starting with this person actually becoming yours, that lead to your utter fall and destruction. Like : "We fall in love, I go broke, cockroaches swarm all over the house". Done for two to three weeks, it basically cured me of all these feelings.

asdflkj 16y ago
Sweet! I've got this other problem, though--I really enjoy sunshine. Anyone got a cure for that?
- dbshapco 16y ago
  Seattle.
  - deleted 16y ago
    [deleted]
- clicks 16y ago
  I understand what you're getting at, but limerence certainly can be a bad thing, as msluyter pointed out (" Like a lot of things, it lies on a spectrum from pleasurable to pathological or dangerous."). Here's a good example of one in action: http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/cgot5/askreddit_how_do_i_make_myself_fall_out_of_love/ http://www.reddit.com/r/AskReddit/comments/cgot5/askreddit_h...
- jerf 16y ago
  Limerance can wreck your life. I'm not kidding. Being with someone just long enough to have a kid may be optimal for your genes, but can really cramp your style in the modern world. The person whom I was most strongly limerant with was both unmarriable and not someone I want to be connected to by a kid for the rest of my life. Using my brain, or perhaps rather the rest of my brain, and not treating limerance as some mystical holy thing is probably in the top three best decisions I have ever made in my life, along with marrying the person for whom I never had a lot of limerance (a smidge, I suppose, but nothing by comparison), just shared values, life goals, senses of humor, and the ability to have a strong truth-based relationship with each other. You know, all that unimportant stuff next to the question of whether I feel floaty around her. Use your brain. All of it. Nobody will save you if you don't; they all think this same stupid thing. (For that matter, it's also dangerous to think that a relationship must be built on limerance and once it fades it's "over". I suppose there are more reliable ways to fail at relationships, but this is up there. The question is not whether it'll ever be "over", the question is, what will you have left once it's "over"?)
  - stat 16y ago
    I strongly agree. Limerance has never been a "great feeling" for me, especially because it pushes one to take important decisions that they would have never taken otherwise. What's best for your genes is not necessarily what's best for you.
    - sliverstorm 16y ago
      > What's best for your genes is not necessarily what's best for you That brings about all sorts of meta-questions. I mean, for starters who's to say that's true? Is what's best for you really whatever makes you happy, or is what's best for you what's best for your genes?
      - stat 16y ago
        We have evolved the ability to pursue goals that are more fulfilling than simply "Passing on the genes". That's why, for one thing, we have condoms. People can consciously decide whether to have children or not, and I believe most educated people agree that this is a good thing. There is no reason why we should allow evolution (which has zero foresight) to dictate what's good for us.
nooneelse 16y ago
When finally tired of an unrequited limerence many years back, I used anger. Whenever they came to mind, I made myself get angry at them. I would reminded myself of all the things they had done knowing that it would string me along in that state just a while longer or some small slight that, because of my feelings, they had known they could get away with, or something like that. Very similar to your method, I didn't let them enter my mind without drawing up this rebuttal feeling. About three weeks later it was amazing how free and clear my head felt. Like part of me had been asleep or drugged for years.

dtf 16y ago

The cure for limerance is simple: time. Namely, 2 to 3 years.

cousin_it 16y ago
I'd go further and say that the cure is psychological time, i.e. having more intense experiences per hour. You have to isolate yourself completely from the object of your infatuation and then try to have very intense days, like those you had in childhood or boot camp. Do new stuff, win battles, lose battles, have sex with a lot of people. From my experience, this will cure your infatuation way faster than sitting in a room. If all parts of your mind are constantly occupied with other stuff, you go very quickly from "can't stop thinking about him/her" to "wow, a full hour without unhappy thoughts and I feel okay", to a day clean, then a week...
- georgieporgie 16y ago
  > I'd go further and say that the cure is psychological time, i.e. having more intense experiences per hour. If I understand you correctly, you're basically saying what is more bluntly phrased, "get a life," or "get out more," in which case I entirely agree with you. As someone who once lost an object of limerant obsession, I can say the worst thing you can do is stay in the same place, doing the same thing. I noticed when traveling last year, I bumped into a number of freshly broken-up people. They are clearly wiser than I was.

ido 16y ago

Why would you want to overcome limerence? My problem is that it tends to go away after awhile...

philh 16y ago
Because if not reciprocated, it can be horribly depressing.
sliverstorm 16y ago
You have, in essence, answered your own question. My ex was convinced with the right person, limerence will last forever. Maybe she was right, but I very very very strongly suspect she was not. Overcoming it is useful because: 1: It will eventually end 2: When it does end, you'll be in for a shock- to say the least Essentially, if it lasted forever things would be great and this wouldn't be a problem. Since it doesn't, the sooner you get past it the better as far as making life choices goes.
- ido 16y ago
  I can understand that, but I still disagree with your conclusion. Know that it doesn't last, enjoy it while it's there and try to lay the foundations for an adult relationship in the meanwhile, so that you could get past the infatuation phase (which, as you say, is inevitable) without breaking up. Being with a partner who thinks it can last forever if they just find the perfect person can be a recipe for disaster, though one would hope most people grow out of that state of mind after a few attempts.
  - sliverstorm 16y ago
    It's not my argument, but I do see some validity. You suggest 'enjoy it while its there' which is excellent advice- but at the same time, simply put, life-changing decisions aren't going to sit around and wait 3 years for limerence to wear off.
    - ido 16y ago

hernan7 16y ago

Sorry, non-native English speaker here... Never heard the term "limerence before". Seems to be a kinda-sorta synonym of "infatuation", no? Why everybody in this thread is using it instead of just "infatuation" -- some Internet meme that I'm not aware of?

elblanco 16y ago
"Infatuation" has a slightly different meaning distinct from "love" while "limerence" is a distinct and precise form of "love". Just like love can be an umbrella term for a number of similar but different emotions (love like siblings, love between parents and children, love between friends, etc.), "limerence" might also be called a "crush" or "puppy love" (if I read the article correctly). I think you can probably use it loosely as a synonym with infatuation in most contexts but the meaning is ever so slightly different. I never heard it before today either, English has a far too many words.
gruseom 16y ago
It's not a real word. It was coined by the author of the book, and http://www.google.com/search?q=limerence http://www.google.com/search?q=limerence makes clear that usage of it is limited to discussions based on the book. It's a strange neologism, too, that doesn't sound right to my ear. What's the etymology? The only thing I can think of is limen (threshold) as in liminal and subliminal.
- deleted 16y ago
  [deleted]
- danohuiginn 16y ago
  It seems there is no etymology: According to the creator, "I first used the term ‘amorance’ then changed it back to ‘limerence’... It has no roots whatsoever. It looks nice. It works well in French. Take it from me it has no etymology whatsoever." http://www.languagehat.com/archives/001708.php http://www.languagehat.com/archives/001708.php I also find myself feeling slightly uneasy when confronted by a word without etymology. Knowing it was consciously made up is somehow reassuring.