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My wife and her aunt just had a conversation about this recently. It boiled down to this phrase in the end: "That's not going to work for me." Whenever she h

My wife and her aunt just had a conversation about this recently. It boiled down to this phrase in the end: "That's not going to work for me." Whenever she has to tell someone "no" and knows they're likely to argue, that's the answer she gives. When they ask why, she just repeats it until they realize that the answer is obvious but would be rude to say. Personally, I think it's still rude, but it works for her in ways that being bluntly rude don't. I had a manager who told me for about a year straight that I had to stop telling people "no" so bluntly, but instead offer other suggestions for their problem. She said I was just shutting them down, and they ... felt bad or something. I forget what she said. The point was that I shouldn't just shut them down, but I should try to help them with their problem. This was so hard for me to learn because when I ask a question, I really do want the answer to that question, and it infuriates me when they dance around it or try to guess what question I really want to ask and answer that. Newsflash: That was it. I'm very literal.

bitJericho 9y ago
You can say no and still help with a solution.
- wccrawford 9y ago
  When I ask, "Is it possible to draw 7 perpendicular lines?" I want the answer, "No." If I want to know why, I'll ask why. If I want an alternative, I'll ask for it. Instead, what was happening was that after they asked their question and I answered, "no," they'd walk away and not attempt to get my help again with it afterwards. For the longest time, I thought they were like me and that they were looking to have their question answered. They weren't. They were trying (clumsily) to get help with their problem. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BKorP55Aqvg https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BKorP55Aqvg
  - Xcelerate 9y ago
    > When I ask, "Is it possible to draw 7 perpendicular lines?" I want the answer, "No." Depends. Are we assuming you can't draw in seven dimensional Hilbert space?
    - wccrawford 9y ago
      Yeah. I can barely draw in 2-dimensional space, and drawing in 3-dimensional space requires equipment that the company won't provide. There's no way I'm going to manage 7-dimensional drawing.
qrbLPHiKpiux 9y ago
Being able to say no without saying no is only learned through experience. It took me a while to learn how to do it. It sort of follows the 5 aspects of death: denial, frustration, anger, sadness, acceptance. You must pass all.
3rdCoast 9y ago
I've found a bit of humor in many responses above that advocate helping the requester find some solution other than ME doing 'it' for them.... that seems to me like the Exact Same Thing. If i do not wish to do some task or request/etc...then that should be my answer. Period. Not "let me exert some more of my own time/energy in helping YOU find a solution to YOUR issue..." ..... hmmmm

bitJericho 9y ago

You can say no and still help with a solution.

wccrawford 9y ago
When I ask, "Is it possible to draw 7 perpendicular lines?" I want the answer, "No." If I want to know why, I'll ask why. If I want an alternative, I'll ask for it. Instead, what was happening was that after they asked their question and I answered, "no," they'd walk away and not attempt to get my help again with it afterwards. For the longest time, I thought they were like me and that they were looking to have their question answered. They weren't. They were trying (clumsily) to get help with their problem. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BKorP55Aqvg https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=BKorP55Aqvg
- Xcelerate 9y ago
  > When I ask, "Is it possible to draw 7 perpendicular lines?" I want the answer, "No." Depends. Are we assuming you can't draw in seven dimensional Hilbert space?
  - wccrawford 9y ago
    Yeah. I can barely draw in 2-dimensional space, and drawing in 3-dimensional space requires equipment that the company won't provide. There's no way I'm going to manage 7-dimensional drawing.

qrbLPHiKpiux 9y ago

Being able to say no without saying no is only learned through experience. It took me a while to learn how to do it. It sort of follows the 5 aspects of death: denial, frustration, anger, sadness, acceptance. You must pass all.

3rdCoast 9y ago

I've found a bit of humor in many responses above that advocate helping the requester find some solution other than ME doing 'it' for them.... that seems to me like the Exact Same Thing. If i do not wish to do some task or request/etc...then that should be my answer. Period. Not "let me exert some more of my own time/energy in helping YOU find a solution to YOUR issue..." ..... hmmmm