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You're describing an enabler. We're talking about his wife.

at-fates-hands 9y ago
Most co-dependency relationships are those in your immediate family. source: had a father who was an alcoholic and had to learn this myself.
- obstinate 9y ago
  As gently as possible, I want to let you know that not all relationships are like the one you so unfortunately experienced with your father.
- cosinetau 9y ago
  No where in this post did it imply that his wife has this behavior. HN nerds have a really bad habit of conflating and projecting. I'm sorry about your father, but you can't infer that about his wife from the given information; the severity of that implication is why your experience is as extraordinary and makes it difficult to buy that his wife is the problem. Imagine if we were advising him to remain silent about this to his close business associates. Would we advise an engineer having a rough go of it to not talk to their manager? Would you advise a student to not talk to a parent if they were having a really hard time at school? What benefit would remaining unproductively silent about these problems other than choking on your own poison?
  - xor1 9y ago
    >HN nerds have a really bad habit of conflating and projecting Go read up on personality disorder clusters. No reason to paint with such broad strokes when you have wikipedia a click away. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Personality_disorder#Personality_clusters https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Personality_disorder#Personali...
- Mz 9y ago
  In addition to what other people are saying, a marital relationship typically starts between adults. We all have a back story and everyone has some kind of baggage, but a marriage is fundamentally different from a parent-child relationship in terms of power dynamics. An abused child has zero real alternative but to cope as best they can with what the parent is doing to them. Marriage is a bit more complicated than that.
Negitivefrags 9y ago
You are exactly correct. I am describing an enabler, and that is exactly what your loved ones will turn into if you tell them you are depressed. When your SO asks you for help, you give it to them. Unfortunately that is the opposite of what a depressed person needs. Depressed people need to make changes to their lives. You can't do that when you have someone being your crutch. And I just want to be clear because some people in this thread seem to be misunderstanding, this is nothing to do with being female or male. I would give the same advice to to a woman as to man.
- gyrfalc 9y ago
  > Depressed people need to make changes to their lives. You can't do that when you have someone being your crutch. You also can't do that without a great support network. That piece is critical in the path to recovery, and you should not so arbitrarily dismiss the possibility that to many people, family (spouse, parents, even children) is that support network.

Most co-dependency relationships are those in your immediate family. source: had a father who was an alcoholic and had to learn this myself.

obstinate 9y ago
As gently as possible, I want to let you know that not all relationships are like the one you so unfortunately experienced with your father.
cosinetau 9y ago
No where in this post did it imply that his wife has this behavior. HN nerds have a really bad habit of conflating and projecting. I'm sorry about your father, but you can't infer that about his wife from the given information; the severity of that implication is why your experience is as extraordinary and makes it difficult to buy that his wife is the problem. Imagine if we were advising him to remain silent about this to his close business associates. Would we advise an engineer having a rough go of it to not talk to their manager? Would you advise a student to not talk to a parent if they were having a really hard time at school? What benefit would remaining unproductively silent about these problems other than choking on your own poison?
- xor1 9y ago
  >HN nerds have a really bad habit of conflating and projecting Go read up on personality disorder clusters. No reason to paint with such broad strokes when you have wikipedia a click away. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Personality_disorder#Personality_clusters https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Personality_disorder#Personali...
Mz 9y ago
In addition to what other people are saying, a marital relationship typically starts between adults. We all have a back story and everyone has some kind of baggage, but a marriage is fundamentally different from a parent-child relationship in terms of power dynamics. An abused child has zero real alternative but to cope as best they can with what the parent is doing to them. Marriage is a bit more complicated than that.

Negitivefrags 9y ago

You are exactly correct. I am describing an enabler, and that is exactly what your loved ones will turn into if you tell them you are depressed. When your SO asks you for help, you give it to them. Unfortunately that is the opposite of what a depressed person needs. Depressed people need to make changes to their lives. You can't do that when you have someone being your crutch. And I just want to be clear because some people in this thread seem to be misunderstanding, this is nothing to do with being female or male. I would give the same advice to to a woman as to man.

gyrfalc 9y ago
> Depressed people need to make changes to their lives. You can't do that when you have someone being your crutch. You also can't do that without a great support network. That piece is critical in the path to recovery, and you should not so arbitrarily dismiss the possibility that to many people, family (spouse, parents, even children) is that support network.