8 ms·

My family adopted my female cousin nearly 30 years ago from Guatemala. The country was in civil war at the time so bringing her to the U.S. was in her best inte

My family adopted my female cousin nearly 30 years ago from Guatemala. The country was in civil war at the time so bringing her to the U.S. was in her best interest. Unfortunately my mother and aunt (sisters of her birth father) kept her so locked down that she is effectively a slave. My aunt hasn't worked in decades because my little sister has always signed every paycheck over to my aunt. After working for nearly 25 years my sister has no money, doesn't have a bank account, has no friends, has dated only once (and they shamed her when she did), no drivers license, isn't allowed to do anything on her own. She isn't allowed to walk to work. She isn't allowed to have opinions, or a private conversation, or until recently, a cellphone. I finally bought her a cellphone the day after my mother died in 2014. I thought things would change after my mother died, but my aunt continued her control. My sister seems happy and genuinely loves my aunt and now deceased mother. My family always claimed that her original immigration paperwork had an error which puts her at risk at deportation justifying her isolation. But I doubt the sincerity of this claim given that is conveniently forgotten when it comes time for her to go out and earn a paycheck. Even though I always objected to her treatment, I feel complicit. But now, I don't think I could suggest a better way to live. All I can do is set aside enough money for her retirement. Any thoughts or comments are appreciated but at the very least I appreciate this opportunity to share her story.

Mtinie 10y ago
Rather than seeking counsel from HN, may I strongly recommend you find a practicing family and/or immigration lawyer if you really want to help? I commend your action of putting money away, but based on your description, your cousin has been/ is being subjected to familial abuse. Reach inside yourself and find the courage to inform someone. Seek help from those qualified to give it, please.
- edward_rolf 10y ago
  Very good advise, apart from the "rather than".
- Mtinie 10y ago
  s/"Rather than"/"In addition to" I agree with @edward_rolf's criticism of my original phrasing, the first sentence can be improved.
naitoon 10y ago
I think this qualifies for Adult Protection Services, in the sense that there's a social disability due to the prolonged lack of exposure to the real world: http://www.napsa-now.org http://www.napsa-now.org You may want to Google for the one in your region or city. PLEASE report it.
BurningFrog 10y ago
The big unknown here seems to be her immigration status. Your family actually may well not know it. What her actual status is in the eyes of Uncle Sam, and what can be done to possibly fix it should be easily discovered by contacting your nearest immigration lawyer. The first consultation is maybe $100 (long time since I dealt with this), and then they can tell you what the options and costs are. Once the immigration status is understood, the options will be much clearer.
- bubbleRefuge 9y ago
  I would think fleeing a life of slavery is a good argument for asylum.
  - rgbrenner 9y ago
    can you claim asylum for abuse suffered in the country you fled TO? Doesn't the abuse need to be in the country you are from (the one they will deport you to)?
    - triangleman 9y ago
      Actually in the US there is a process for granting residency to abused spouses and children:. https://www.uscis.gov/humanitarian/battered-spouse-children-parents https://www.uscis.gov/humanitarian/battered-spouse-children-... I have heard that it's fairly lenient and the cousin described by OP might fit into that category for immigration status. IANAIL.
hyperdunc 10y ago
Rhetorical questions (that you've probably already asked yourself many times): Why are you letting this happen and what do you fear will happen if you do something about it?
- hueving 9y ago
  Many people are hesitant to intervene in something that will likely destroy their own family. This should not be surprising at all. It happens all of the time in family abuse cases.
  - glogla 9y ago
    Family like this is worth destroying.
    - baby 9y ago
      Worth thinking about: is it worth destroying a dysfunctional but happy family? Are our own standards for freedom worth enforcing on other people's life? I'm also thinking about that last child in Arrested Development. A lot of families and people are dysfunctional. But are we functional enough to tell them what to do?
      - cmdrfred 9y ago
        There is another aspect to this. Consider 911, you had 4 planes full of people and yet it is believed that only 2 - 3 people on a single plane did anything to stop the hijackers (ultimately saving many lives at the cost of their own). Uncommon valor is prized and honored simply because it is so uncommon. It is easy to say how you would act in a situation from the comfort of your keyboard but when the shit hits the fan are you sure that you are part of the exceptional 5%? Or are you just another passenger trying to get home? Perhaps OP is just like most people, not wanting to rock the boat and trying to get on with his life. Having walked a few miles in his shoes are you certain you'd do any different? I'd like to think I would but I'd be dishonest to confidently claim it. "Some cats surf, Some cats make the waves"
deleted 9y ago
[deleted]
PhasmaFelis 9y ago
> Even though I always objected to her treatment, I feel complicit. As an adult who knows this is happening and allows it to continue, you are complicit. There's lots of good advice in this thread. Please do something.
- jimmywanger 9y ago
  > As an adult who knows this is happening and allows it to continue, you are complicit. Do you use consumer electronics? Do you know the conditions at Foxconn, or any factory in China? More to the point, do you know how polluted China is right now, and how much manufacturing destroys the country? So therefore, by your logic, you are complicit.
  - adrienne 9y ago
    Of course. We're all complicit. There is no ethical consumption under capitalism. You've got blood on your hands. Deal with it.
throwaway777777 9y ago
I'm floored, angry, and in pain over this story. It's abuse. Maybe it strikes something for me personally because of the abuse I suffered growing up... I've seen first hand how family can be complicit. I mean you didn't mention beatings or other kinds of physical abuse, so it's not that bad right? No, it's that bad. It reinforces the behavior for both the abuser and the victim. My advice, please stop doing nothing. Take her in, let her keep her paychecks. Help her find herself. Give her love, patience, and help her finally be free. I don't know. I want to say "do as much as you feel comfortable doing" but she needs the kind of help you're not comfortable providing. You obviously care enough to set aside money for her retirement. I'd disown the aunt. It's going to get ugly. You're taking away her livelihood. But you know that. It's why it seems best to do nothing. Then again, I didn't have a savior, I had a breakdown. I was willing to never speak to my family again. I was ready to be alone. And I was for a time. I'm sorry, I wish there was a clear cut answer. I can't tell you the amount of physiological damage that was done and it didn't even become clear just how bad it was until I got far far away from it. Even now, nearly a decade after I had enough, and broke away from it. It's still hard. So hard and fear inducing I created a throwaway account just to post this. Please do something. If nothing else help clarify her immigration status right before referring the case to authorities.
Kholo 9y ago
You should talk to a experienced shrink or a psychologist about what the best outcomes for her might be. Sounds like she is dealing with what they would call traumatic attachment. Best outcomes for the individual won't be intuitive in such cases. Also there will be a psychological cost to you for opposing what your family might think is right. It's always good to be understand how to handle it before taking any stand. This is where an experienced counsellor can make a huge difference. They usually have seen many such cases and have a sense of possible positive outcomes.
gadders 9y ago
I have no helpful advice, but MAN some people are evil. I can't think of another word for it.
galfarragem 9y ago
I think you already did the first step: you were courage enough to speak about the problem, even if anonymously. Now that your mother has died, you only need to fight your aunt where blood bonds are much weaker. Don't stop now: your sister needs you and your mind needs peace.
baby 9y ago
My mother was telling me that in her village, in the country side of France, some of her classmates ran away to her house (my mother's father was the mayor of the village). These were foreign kids that were adopted by farmers. They would get mistreated in class and mocked by other kids (which my mother found normal until this accident happened) and they would get exploited in the fields by the farmers. Apparently this would happen a lot. Farmers would adopt these kids and exploit them. Don't know if this is still happening.
- JPLeRouzic 9y ago
  I was born in country side in France (Morbihan) but I never heard that farmers would adopt kids to exploit them. The closer to this that I know are some professional foster people [1] who have a bad reputation among the orphans that I met, that said I know also some perfect foster people. Those "professionals" are usually themselves quite poor and it is a second job for them (or at least for the spouse). However I read on BBC news some stories that are more similar to slavery in UK and in Switzerland [0]. If we trust BBC (I do) in UK there are still awful slavery stories. [0] http://www.bbc.com/news/magazine-29765623 http://www.bbc.com/news/magazine-29765623 [1] "Famille d'accueil" in French, see https://fr.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aide_sociale_%C3%A0_l%27enfance https://fr.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aide_sociale_%C3%A0_l%27enfanc...
  - baby 9y ago
    I googled and found out that there is actually some nasty history related to my fact: https://fr.wikipedia.org/wiki/Enfants_de_la_Creuse https://fr.wikipedia.org/wiki/Enfants_de_la_Creuse > Les enfants réunionnais déplacés en Creuse étaient accueillis lors de leur arrivée dans un foyer de Guéret5. "Certains ont été adoptés, d'autres sont restés en foyer ou ont servi de main-d'œuvre gratuite dans les fermes6", les paysans à travers la Creuse les utilisant alors comme « bonne à tout faire » ou « travailleur sans salaires »
    - JPLeRouzic 9y ago
      That is true, now that you mention this, I remember there were other similar cases in France. Thanks for the information.
sigi45 9y ago
Go to the police perhaps? Enforce it? Lock through the paper yourself and try to figure out if this is okay?

Mtinie 10y ago

Rather than seeking counsel from HN, may I strongly recommend you find a practicing family and/or immigration lawyer if you really want to help? I commend your action of putting money away, but based on your description, your cousin has been/ is being subjected to familial abuse. Reach inside yourself and find the courage to inform someone. Seek help from those qualified to give it, please.

edward_rolf 10y ago
Very good advise, apart from the "rather than".
Mtinie 10y ago
s/"Rather than"/"In addition to" I agree with @edward_rolf's criticism of my original phrasing, the first sentence can be improved.

naitoon 10y ago

I think this qualifies for Adult Protection Services, in the sense that there's a social disability due to the prolonged lack of exposure to the real world: http://www.napsa-now.org http://www.napsa-now.org You may want to Google for the one in your region or city. PLEASE report it.

BurningFrog 10y ago

The big unknown here seems to be her immigration status. Your family actually may well not know it. What her actual status is in the eyes of Uncle Sam, and what can be done to possibly fix it should be easily discovered by contacting your nearest immigration lawyer. The first consultation is maybe $100 (long time since I dealt with this), and then they can tell you what the options and costs are. Once the immigration status is understood, the options will be much clearer.

bubbleRefuge 9y ago
I would think fleeing a life of slavery is a good argument for asylum.
- rgbrenner 9y ago
  can you claim asylum for abuse suffered in the country you fled TO? Doesn't the abuse need to be in the country you are from (the one they will deport you to)?
  - triangleman 9y ago
    Actually in the US there is a process for granting residency to abused spouses and children:. https://www.uscis.gov/humanitarian/battered-spouse-children-parents https://www.uscis.gov/humanitarian/battered-spouse-children-... I have heard that it's fairly lenient and the cousin described by OP might fit into that category for immigration status. IANAIL.

hyperdunc 10y ago

Rhetorical questions (that you've probably already asked yourself many times): Why are you letting this happen and what do you fear will happen if you do something about it?

hueving 9y ago
Many people are hesitant to intervene in something that will likely destroy their own family. This should not be surprising at all. It happens all of the time in family abuse cases.
- glogla 9y ago
  Family like this is worth destroying.
  - baby 9y ago
    Worth thinking about: is it worth destroying a dysfunctional but happy family? Are our own standards for freedom worth enforcing on other people's life? I'm also thinking about that last child in Arrested Development. A lot of families and people are dysfunctional. But are we functional enough to tell them what to do?
    - cmdrfred 9y ago
      There is another aspect to this. Consider 911, you had 4 planes full of people and yet it is believed that only 2 - 3 people on a single plane did anything to stop the hijackers (ultimately saving many lives at the cost of their own). Uncommon valor is prized and honored simply because it is so uncommon. It is easy to say how you would act in a situation from the comfort of your keyboard but when the shit hits the fan are you sure that you are part of the exceptional 5%? Or are you just another passenger trying to get home? Perhaps OP is just like most people, not wanting to rock the boat and trying to get on with his life. Having walked a few miles in his shoes are you certain you'd do any different? I'd like to think I would but I'd be dishonest to confidently claim it. "Some cats surf, Some cats make the waves"

deleted 9y ago

[deleted]

PhasmaFelis 9y ago

> Even though I always objected to her treatment, I feel complicit. As an adult who knows this is happening and allows it to continue, you are complicit. There's lots of good advice in this thread. Please do something.

jimmywanger 9y ago
> As an adult who knows this is happening and allows it to continue, you are complicit. Do you use consumer electronics? Do you know the conditions at Foxconn, or any factory in China? More to the point, do you know how polluted China is right now, and how much manufacturing destroys the country? So therefore, by your logic, you are complicit.
- adrienne 9y ago
  Of course. We're all complicit. There is no ethical consumption under capitalism. You've got blood on your hands. Deal with it.

throwaway777777 9y ago

I'm floored, angry, and in pain over this story. It's abuse. Maybe it strikes something for me personally because of the abuse I suffered growing up... I've seen first hand how family can be complicit. I mean you didn't mention beatings or other kinds of physical abuse, so it's not that bad right? No, it's that bad. It reinforces the behavior for both the abuser and the victim. My advice, please stop doing nothing. Take her in, let her keep her paychecks. Help her find herself. Give her love, patience, and help her finally be free. I don't know. I want to say "do as much as you feel comfortable doing" but she needs the kind of help you're not comfortable providing. You obviously care enough to set aside money for her retirement. I'd disown the aunt. It's going to get ugly. You're taking away her livelihood. But you know that. It's why it seems best to do nothing. Then again, I didn't have a savior, I had a breakdown. I was willing to never speak to my family again. I was ready to be alone. And I was for a time. I'm sorry, I wish there was a clear cut answer. I can't tell you the amount of physiological damage that was done and it didn't even become clear just how bad it was until I got far far away from it. Even now, nearly a decade after I had enough, and broke away from it. It's still hard. So hard and fear inducing I created a throwaway account just to post this. Please do something. If nothing else help clarify her immigration status right before referring the case to authorities.

Kholo 9y ago

You should talk to a experienced shrink or a psychologist about what the best outcomes for her might be. Sounds like she is dealing with what they would call traumatic attachment. Best outcomes for the individual won't be intuitive in such cases. Also there will be a psychological cost to you for opposing what your family might think is right. It's always good to be understand how to handle it before taking any stand. This is where an experienced counsellor can make a huge difference. They usually have seen many such cases and have a sense of possible positive outcomes.

gadders 9y ago

I have no helpful advice, but MAN some people are evil. I can't think of another word for it.

galfarragem 9y ago

I think you already did the first step: you were courage enough to speak about the problem, even if anonymously. Now that your mother has died, you only need to fight your aunt where blood bonds are much weaker. Don't stop now: your sister needs you and your mind needs peace.

baby 9y ago

My mother was telling me that in her village, in the country side of France, some of her classmates ran away to her house (my mother's father was the mayor of the village). These were foreign kids that were adopted by farmers. They would get mistreated in class and mocked by other kids (which my mother found normal until this accident happened) and they would get exploited in the fields by the farmers. Apparently this would happen a lot. Farmers would adopt these kids and exploit them. Don't know if this is still happening.

JPLeRouzic 9y ago
I was born in country side in France (Morbihan) but I never heard that farmers would adopt kids to exploit them. The closer to this that I know are some professional foster people [1] who have a bad reputation among the orphans that I met, that said I know also some perfect foster people. Those "professionals" are usually themselves quite poor and it is a second job for them (or at least for the spouse). However I read on BBC news some stories that are more similar to slavery in UK and in Switzerland [0]. If we trust BBC (I do) in UK there are still awful slavery stories. [0] http://www.bbc.com/news/magazine-29765623 http://www.bbc.com/news/magazine-29765623 [1] "Famille d'accueil" in French, see https://fr.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aide_sociale_%C3%A0_l%27enfance https://fr.wikipedia.org/wiki/Aide_sociale_%C3%A0_l%27enfanc...
- baby 9y ago
  I googled and found out that there is actually some nasty history related to my fact: https://fr.wikipedia.org/wiki/Enfants_de_la_Creuse https://fr.wikipedia.org/wiki/Enfants_de_la_Creuse > Les enfants réunionnais déplacés en Creuse étaient accueillis lors de leur arrivée dans un foyer de Guéret5. "Certains ont été adoptés, d'autres sont restés en foyer ou ont servi de main-d'œuvre gratuite dans les fermes6", les paysans à travers la Creuse les utilisant alors comme « bonne à tout faire » ou « travailleur sans salaires »
  - JPLeRouzic 9y ago
    That is true, now that you mention this, I remember there were other similar cases in France. Thanks for the information.

sigi45 9y ago

Go to the police perhaps? Enforce it? Lock through the paper yourself and try to figure out if this is okay?