53 ms·

How to Be Someone People Love to Talk To (2015)

69 points by wallflower 9y ago

spcelzrd 9y ago
I'm not particularly good in group settings, but here's a strategy I've found that works in most cases: give the person a complement, then ask them a question about themselves. It's important that the complement isn't about their appearance or something that might make them uncomfortable. And keep the question light.
- mseo 9y ago
  Can you give an example?
  - scrumper 9y ago
    I've heard really good things about your latest project. That must've involved a lot of long days.
    - deleted 9y ago
      [deleted]
- mafribe 9y ago
  isn't about their appearance Pro-tip for the socially savvy: intuit what about their appearance they put a lot of though/effort into, and then make a compliment based on that. Examples. - Your new hairstyle is amazing, who's your hairdresser, I need to go there. - Wow, looks like you've been working out hard recently, great definition on your upper arms, can you recommend some good workouts? - That top you are wearing, where did you get it? It's amazing, reminds me of Christian Dior's 1978 collection, you are the most stylish person in the room. Where, Harajuku, Tokyo? You went to Tokyo? Wow, when? I love Tokio, you need to tell me everything about your trip! - That tan line ... looks like somebody was on holidays recently ... Where, Greece? That's so cool, I'm so jealous, tell me ... It is also worthwhile reflecting on how the recipient will process a compliment: the recipient will compare your compliment with the previous compliments received. Let's illustrate this point with some social cliches: - 17 year old conventionally beautiful girl: will typically get large amounts of compliments every day. She will have heard it all before, and have a lot of experience with gracefully handling compliments. - 17 year old convention computer gamer boy: will typically never have been complimented on anything at all. Will have no canned graceful reply for his first compliment. Summary: Adjust your compliments to audience expectation. something that might make them uncomfortable. That's good advice for beginners. For the socially savvy, ambiguous compliments work really well, too. The classic "nice hair, is it your own LOL" has been discussed many times. However, it's easy to mis-calibrate and get it wrong. Flattery is like paying with counterfeit money: easy to do and effective ... as long as you don't get caught. Meaning: when Alter realises Ego is using flattery, Alter feels manipulated. Finally, there are different cultures of complimenting. For example, in the US compliments are given freely, often and expected. In Easter Europe, in contrast, compliments tend to be given more rarely, and not usually expected. Unless you are socially savvy or a social risk taker, I recommend to adhere to the ambient conventions about how often compliments should be made.
  - deleted 9y ago
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  - bshimmin 9y ago
    Next time I'm in a pub in Glasgow I'm so going to compliment a guy on the definition of his upper arms and then, if I'm still alive, move the discussion onto Dior's 1978 collection. Thanks for the tips!
    - mafribe 9y ago
      LOL, thanks. That's a great suggestion. Next time I'm teaching compilers, I'll illustrate the difference between context-free and context-sensitive language with reference to Glasgow pubs.
spodek 9y ago
Ultimately all the advice in the world leads to one simple starting point: You have to act, practice, and rehearse new skills to get their benefit and those first acts, as with any new skill, will be clumsy, embarrassing, and full of other challenges that will lead the novice to feel bad. If you try, you will fail and feel bad, worse than if you never tried, but if you stick with it, you can overcome the failures. You'll never lose access to the skills you now have it you don't want to feel or act social, but you can when you want. The reward for overcoming those failures, in my experience at least, is so much greater than the struggle to reach that reward, that I only wish I had started learning social and emotional skills earlier.
- havetocharge 9y ago
  There is a lot of good advice in the actual article, but this is also a good point. Failure in a social setting can feel especially bad, but there is hardly a way to improvement without experiencing it. With perseverance, one can establish tolerance to such pain, and eventually develop the skills that help avoid it altogether.
- maxxxxx 9y ago
  "If you try, you will fail and feel bad, worse than if you never tried, but if you stick with it, you can overcome the failures" This is probably good advice for a lot of people but it can also make things worse. I have made several attempts to "go out there and learn" and the result was always that I didn't improve but instead got more insecure. I think there needs too be some underlying strategy and not just banging your head into the same wall. A lot of people understand social skills intuitively but some don't.
  - ljf 9y ago
    The thing is - with most nice people - even if you 'fail' they aren't going to hold it against you or make fun of you. In fact, most people won't even notice your 'failures'. And if someone does make fun or hold it against you, it's a great time to consider cutting them out. I remember years ago reading a comment about someone who was terrified of failure, until they learnt to skateboard - and realised that aside from the occasionally pulled off success, everyone was failing all the time, and that they reveled in the trying.
bleischt 9y ago
I think it's incredible how people can intuitively learn these skills. People who are considered "likable" probably have developed these qualities through social experimentation, paying attention to others' reactions in the forms of tone and body language. It demonstrates a very high level of social awareness and emotional intelligence.
- jamesrcole 9y ago
  There's another possible avenue: they pick it up from the people they've grown up around, like their parents. They see how these people act and pick it up by osmosis, not necessarily with any conscious effort.
  - Lich 9y ago
    Yup. I tend to be very aware and conscious of how people feel based on social context and facial expressions, but I am not a likable person. People do not feel comfortable around me.
- lapsock 9y ago
  > It demonstrates a very high level of social awareness and emotional intelligence. Any reasonably average human being should have these skills as an adult. If they don't it's because something went wrong at some point, or they are on the spectrum or something like that.
  - TallGuyShort 9y ago
    Yeah you're really well socialized, I see.
  - emddudley 9y ago
    That's a rather broad brush. Not everyone picks up on these things intuitively, and personality plays a big role.
    - cgriswald 9y ago
artellectual 9y ago
Here is my tip on being someone people love to talk to. Be interested in the person you are talking to. Be curious about them and most important of all listen, attentively to everything. You'll learn a lot, people will share their deepest darkest things with you. Listen without judgement, without trying to reply, and it will change your life, sounds simple but really difficult to do. Something to practice over your life time.
- johnfn 9y ago
  What if the person I'm talking to just isn't that fascinating? This is a terrible thing to say and admit and I half expect to be downvoted for it, but here goes anyways: I feel like a lot of people who I talk to aren't. I'm fully willing to admit this is some fault of my own, but how exactly can I reconfigure myself to be more interested in people?
  - mistermann 9y ago
    Try your hardest to imagine life from that person's perspective as they talk maybe? You may feel more empathy that way.
  - cgriswald 9y ago
    Be selfish. Accept that everyone you will ever meet has learned or experienced something you have not learned or experienced, and you can, therefore, learn something from them. Try to draw it out of them. Over time you'll probably start becoming genuinely interested in people who don't currently fascinate you.
    - KnTea 9y ago
      But if I treat everyone like a gold mine then they'll run dry sooner or later. How do you keep the genuine interest up?
  - watwut 9y ago
    Maybe that person has a hobby you know nothing about, so you can try to learn about that hobby. Or profession you know little about, so you can try to learn about that profession. It does not have to be person as such, it may be something that person is interested in or is doing. Also, dont get too far with just listening. People who dont reciprocate are difficult to talk to after you already said everything possible, it is nice when the other person joins the discussion.
mafribe 9y ago
Previous discussion https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=13963858 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=13963858
woliveirajr 9y ago
IMHO, asking questions to people you have just met will make they fell uncomfortable. They don't know you yet and aren't interested in giving you details about themselves. Asking questions or making remarks about easy, common and light subjects will make you start a conversation without going too deep too fast. That's why people talk about the weather, the transit, etc. It also helps if you observe the person a bit and ask about something that they clearly appreciate.
- vkjv 9y ago
  The key piece is that you don't ask blind questions, you ask more about a topic that they brought up or expressed interest in. "I listen to podcasts on the way to work." "Me too! What kind of podcasts do you listen to?"
chicob 9y ago
I think "needing tips from FBI hostage negotiators to make people like you" should be included in psychopathy test checklists.
deleted 9y ago
[deleted]
mholt 9y ago
> (Please don’t talk about the weather. Ugh.) The author must not be from where I am (the midwest). Weather is actually interesting there, and important to most people. I remember spending hours talking about the weather, even with strangers, who became friends; it's one reason why I kept going back to the same family restaurant 30 minutes away, or why we stayed with our ferrier and feed provider. Now that I live in the American west, weather is much less interesting, and people judge it to be small talk. It's too bad, but I guess I'll just talk to people about travel now.
fivestar 9y ago
Pretty funny that an FBI behavior expert would discuss this subject given that FBI people typically don't talk to you unless they're trying to nail your ass for a crime. Is it always about having some agenda? If so, then conversation is simply selfish nonsense, isn't it? Instead, try to be selfless, and don't give in to venal banter.

69 points by wallflower 9y ago

I'm not particularly good in group settings, but here's a strategy I've found that works in most cases: give the person a complement, then ask them a question about themselves. It's important that the complement isn't about their appearance or something that might make them uncomfortable. And keep the question light.

mseo 9y ago
Can you give an example?
- scrumper 9y ago
  I've heard really good things about your latest project. That must've involved a lot of long days.
  - deleted 9y ago
    [deleted]
mafribe 9y ago
isn't about their appearance Pro-tip for the socially savvy: intuit what about their appearance they put a lot of though/effort into, and then make a compliment based on that. Examples. - Your new hairstyle is amazing, who's your hairdresser, I need to go there. - Wow, looks like you've been working out hard recently, great definition on your upper arms, can you recommend some good workouts? - That top you are wearing, where did you get it? It's amazing, reminds me of Christian Dior's 1978 collection, you are the most stylish person in the room. Where, Harajuku, Tokyo? You went to Tokyo? Wow, when? I love Tokio, you need to tell me everything about your trip! - That tan line ... looks like somebody was on holidays recently ... Where, Greece? That's so cool, I'm so jealous, tell me ... It is also worthwhile reflecting on how the recipient will process a compliment: the recipient will compare your compliment with the previous compliments received. Let's illustrate this point with some social cliches: - 17 year old conventionally beautiful girl: will typically get large amounts of compliments every day. She will have heard it all before, and have a lot of experience with gracefully handling compliments. - 17 year old convention computer gamer boy: will typically never have been complimented on anything at all. Will have no canned graceful reply for his first compliment. Summary: Adjust your compliments to audience expectation. something that might make them uncomfortable. That's good advice for beginners. For the socially savvy, ambiguous compliments work really well, too. The classic "nice hair, is it your own LOL" has been discussed many times. However, it's easy to mis-calibrate and get it wrong. Flattery is like paying with counterfeit money: easy to do and effective ... as long as you don't get caught. Meaning: when Alter realises Ego is using flattery, Alter feels manipulated. Finally, there are different cultures of complimenting. For example, in the US compliments are given freely, often and expected. In Easter Europe, in contrast, compliments tend to be given more rarely, and not usually expected. Unless you are socially savvy or a social risk taker, I recommend to adhere to the ambient conventions about how often compliments should be made.
- deleted 9y ago
  [deleted]
- deleted 9y ago
  [deleted]
- bshimmin 9y ago
  Next time I'm in a pub in Glasgow I'm so going to compliment a guy on the definition of his upper arms and then, if I'm still alive, move the discussion onto Dior's 1978 collection. Thanks for the tips!
  - mafribe 9y ago
    LOL, thanks. That's a great suggestion. Next time I'm teaching compilers, I'll illustrate the difference between context-free and context-sensitive language with reference to Glasgow pubs.

spodek 9y ago

Ultimately all the advice in the world leads to one simple starting point: You have to act, practice, and rehearse new skills to get their benefit and those first acts, as with any new skill, will be clumsy, embarrassing, and full of other challenges that will lead the novice to feel bad. If you try, you will fail and feel bad, worse than if you never tried, but if you stick with it, you can overcome the failures. You'll never lose access to the skills you now have it you don't want to feel or act social, but you can when you want. The reward for overcoming those failures, in my experience at least, is so much greater than the struggle to reach that reward, that I only wish I had started learning social and emotional skills earlier.

havetocharge 9y ago
There is a lot of good advice in the actual article, but this is also a good point. Failure in a social setting can feel especially bad, but there is hardly a way to improvement without experiencing it. With perseverance, one can establish tolerance to such pain, and eventually develop the skills that help avoid it altogether.
maxxxxx 9y ago
"If you try, you will fail and feel bad, worse than if you never tried, but if you stick with it, you can overcome the failures" This is probably good advice for a lot of people but it can also make things worse. I have made several attempts to "go out there and learn" and the result was always that I didn't improve but instead got more insecure. I think there needs too be some underlying strategy and not just banging your head into the same wall. A lot of people understand social skills intuitively but some don't.
- ljf 9y ago
  The thing is - with most nice people - even if you 'fail' they aren't going to hold it against you or make fun of you. In fact, most people won't even notice your 'failures'. And if someone does make fun or hold it against you, it's a great time to consider cutting them out. I remember years ago reading a comment about someone who was terrified of failure, until they learnt to skateboard - and realised that aside from the occasionally pulled off success, everyone was failing all the time, and that they reveled in the trying.

bleischt 9y ago

I think it's incredible how people can intuitively learn these skills. People who are considered "likable" probably have developed these qualities through social experimentation, paying attention to others' reactions in the forms of tone and body language. It demonstrates a very high level of social awareness and emotional intelligence.

jamesrcole 9y ago
There's another possible avenue: they pick it up from the people they've grown up around, like their parents. They see how these people act and pick it up by osmosis, not necessarily with any conscious effort.
- Lich 9y ago
  Yup. I tend to be very aware and conscious of how people feel based on social context and facial expressions, but I am not a likable person. People do not feel comfortable around me.
lapsock 9y ago
> It demonstrates a very high level of social awareness and emotional intelligence. Any reasonably average human being should have these skills as an adult. If they don't it's because something went wrong at some point, or they are on the spectrum or something like that.
- TallGuyShort 9y ago
  Yeah you're really well socialized, I see.
- emddudley 9y ago
  That's a rather broad brush. Not everyone picks up on these things intuitively, and personality plays a big role.
  - cgriswald 9y ago

artellectual 9y ago

Here is my tip on being someone people love to talk to. Be interested in the person you are talking to. Be curious about them and most important of all listen, attentively to everything. You'll learn a lot, people will share their deepest darkest things with you. Listen without judgement, without trying to reply, and it will change your life, sounds simple but really difficult to do. Something to practice over your life time.

johnfn 9y ago
What if the person I'm talking to just isn't that fascinating? This is a terrible thing to say and admit and I half expect to be downvoted for it, but here goes anyways: I feel like a lot of people who I talk to aren't. I'm fully willing to admit this is some fault of my own, but how exactly can I reconfigure myself to be more interested in people?
- mistermann 9y ago
  Try your hardest to imagine life from that person's perspective as they talk maybe? You may feel more empathy that way.
- cgriswald 9y ago
  Be selfish. Accept that everyone you will ever meet has learned or experienced something you have not learned or experienced, and you can, therefore, learn something from them. Try to draw it out of them. Over time you'll probably start becoming genuinely interested in people who don't currently fascinate you.
  - KnTea 9y ago
    But if I treat everyone like a gold mine then they'll run dry sooner or later. How do you keep the genuine interest up?
- watwut 9y ago
  Maybe that person has a hobby you know nothing about, so you can try to learn about that hobby. Or profession you know little about, so you can try to learn about that profession. It does not have to be person as such, it may be something that person is interested in or is doing. Also, dont get too far with just listening. People who dont reciprocate are difficult to talk to after you already said everything possible, it is nice when the other person joins the discussion.

mafribe 9y ago

Previous discussion https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=13963858 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=13963858

woliveirajr 9y ago

IMHO, asking questions to people you have just met will make they fell uncomfortable. They don't know you yet and aren't interested in giving you details about themselves. Asking questions or making remarks about easy, common and light subjects will make you start a conversation without going too deep too fast. That's why people talk about the weather, the transit, etc. It also helps if you observe the person a bit and ask about something that they clearly appreciate.

vkjv 9y ago
The key piece is that you don't ask blind questions, you ask more about a topic that they brought up or expressed interest in. "I listen to podcasts on the way to work." "Me too! What kind of podcasts do you listen to?"

chicob 9y ago

I think "needing tips from FBI hostage negotiators to make people like you" should be included in psychopathy test checklists.

deleted 9y ago

[deleted]

mholt 9y ago

> (Please don’t talk about the weather. Ugh.) The author must not be from where I am (the midwest). Weather is actually interesting there, and important to most people. I remember spending hours talking about the weather, even with strangers, who became friends; it's one reason why I kept going back to the same family restaurant 30 minutes away, or why we stayed with our ferrier and feed provider. Now that I live in the American west, weather is much less interesting, and people judge it to be small talk. It's too bad, but I guess I'll just talk to people about travel now.

fivestar 9y ago

Pretty funny that an FBI behavior expert would discuss this subject given that FBI people typically don't talk to you unless they're trying to nail your ass for a crime. Is it always about having some agenda? If so, then conversation is simply selfish nonsense, isn't it? Instead, try to be selfless, and don't give in to venal banter.