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I've been through two failed marriages and my conclusion has been that this fixation with "compromise" is woefully misguided and constitutes an antipattern, alt
by abalashov 9y ago
I've been through two failed marriages and my conclusion has been that this fixation with "compromise" is woefully misguided and constitutes an antipattern, although, for all I know, that's why I've been through two failed marriages. :-)
Still, on a theoretical level, the religion that's been made of compromise in therapeutic settings is a pet peeve of mine.
The first problem is that compromise is viewed by most laypeople as "splitting the difference" or "meeting in the middle". That may work for a lot of property and financial disputes, and maybe even business disputes in general, but it doesn't always work in life and relationships, though I don't deny that many things can indeed be compromised. But sometimes an equitable settlement is one where I get 90% and you get 10%, commensurate with the hand the parties are playing and the amount of leverage they have. Although most businesspeople experienced in negotiation know this instinctively, they don't seem to teach it in how-to-be-a-better-spouse school.
Besides that:
1) Compromise encourages parties to take extreme and unreasonable positions with the expectation of being "bargained down" to more or less what they really want. This contributes to "position inflation".
2) It may be that, as a practical matter, compromise is the worst possible option, far worse than either of the starting positions. This happens a lot in relationships.
Most damningly, in my view:
3) The pressure to move toward the middle creates an artificially level playing field where it may not exist. It does not weigh whether one side's position is a lot more reasonable, fair and thoughtful than the other. Aside from the unfair aspect of this ipso facto, it also encourages position inflation.
Some disputes lend themselves to splitting down the middle. Others have
nonlinear/discontinuous qualities where "some" is not better than "none". TL;DR sometimes one party's position sucks a lot more than the other's, and the aim to compromise only furthers the negative consequences of this iniquity.
- unit91 9y agoI almost never compromise with my wife, and we're very happy. That seems shocking, I know, but here's why: Compromise is born from an adversarial starting position. But my wife isn't my adversary. I love her, and I would die for (and nearly have), and so I (try to) give of myself freely and completely. If both people really care about each other more than themselves, happiness follows easily and naturally. The real questions are (1) what do I need to do to learn to love my spouse more than I love myself? and (2) where do I find a person who will reciprocate that kind of love? Experientially, I've found the answer to both questions is to have a deep commitment to God, who teaches and models this behavior to us.
- thegayngler 9y agoReligion is what ultimately broke up my parent's marriage and strained my relationship with them on numerous occasions.
- abalashov 9y agoI think #2 is the stumbling block for most people. That's where the question of common values and shared beliefs becomes critically important.
- yetihehe 9y agoI am an atheist and want to commit myself to my spouse (which believes in God, goes to church, etc.), but it currently looks like she doesn't really want to reciprocate. So I don't believe you that commitment to God is an answer.
- Broken_Hippo 9y agoSame. My spouse and I are both athiests.
- croon 9y agoI'm raised Christian from both parents, and my wife who wasn't has gone more of a Dawkins atheist route. I would best describe us as soft agnostic and hard agnostic. I think the key is accepting that none of us know what the fuck is going on in an unobservable space. We'll raise our child(ren) by letting them develop their own world model, rigid where provable, soft where not. Always retesting. I want to believe David Lynch made Blue Velvet on purpose as opposed to the ramblings of a mad man, even though no one can prove that to me. That is a soft belief, just like faith in "something" (should be). We are happily accepting of each other. If we instead would've had fundamentally different views on what facts and beliefs are, that would have been a problem.
- Broken_Hippo 9y agoWhy does one need to love their spouse more than themself, though? Equals. That's it. Equals. Gotta love yourself more so you can leave if it winds up bad.
- thegayngler 9y agoI have been saying this forever as it relates to politics. Compromise and meeting in the middle my indeed be the worst of all solutions to a problem. These things should be treated at least as skeptically as any of the other positions one could take. The media has hyped up compromise as the solution to everything when it is likely to produce the worst of all worlds.
- toast0 9y agoI don't know if compromise is the right word for making decisions together. Sometimes compromise means seeing the terrible movie with the predictable plot because your spouse is going to love it. If you compromise by seeing a movie both of you know you'll both hate, that's a poor decision. Of course, movies are easy, and life is hard. Decisions about jobs to take and where to live and how to spend money can get tricky. If one person has a job offer in SF, and the other an offer in LA, moving to Fresno is a poor choice; if both jobs are the job of a lifetime, it's going to be a hard choice. Respectfully reaching a decision together, and working together to put the decision into practice, even if you don't like it, is key. But if one person never gets their desired outcomes, it's not a good time for them.
- rustynails 9y agoYou used an excellent word there, respect. My wife and I have been married a long time. We respect each other. Compromise comes from respect, not the other way around. Every relationship I know that works has mutual respect. The unhealthy relationships I know are full of compromise and little respect. One guy told me his wife was a bitch. I told him that his lack of respect was a bad sign. He said she started it. Respect doesn't work that way. When my wife was very ill for a long time, I put most of the focus on her. It changed the dynamics of our relationship (in some not so good ways given that we see each other as equivalents). Without this compromise, I think our marriage may have failed or at least deteriorated greatly. I did it for her needs and out of respect. I also had to learn to back off and not be too supportive. Respect is the word that does it for me.
- asymmetric 9y agoHasn't a marriage failed only if the expectation is to be together forever? Is that a reasonable expectation to have? I'm not sure.
- abalashov 9y agoIf that's not the expectation, domestic relations law has a lot of catching up to do, IMHO.