4 ms·

If they didn't want to be approached, they would find a way to leave the event or avoid it in the first place. A lot of times it is simple social anxiety. The

by sverige 10y ago

If they didn't want to be approached, they would find a way to leave the event or avoid it in the first place. A lot of times it is simple social anxiety. They are afraid that people will find out something about them; or rather, afraid that someone will confirm something they suspect about themselves (e.g., "I'm not interesting to other people.") Those kinds of fears are generally unfounded, but it's difficult to prove to yourself that they're unfounded without actually interacting with people. But for those willing to interact with the wallflowers, they can be somewhat fearful of approaching someone with such a standoffish attitude, so it becomes a self-fulfilling feedback cycle. Even just a little courage can go a long way. Walking across an open space can make you more approachable; for example, walking from somewhere on the edge of an activity like a dance to wherever beverages are being served can give others an opportunity to intercept you or approach you. It's not hard, it just takes some practice and the realization that the possibilities for negative consequences are much lower than the possibilities for positive outcomes.

radarsat1 10y ago
> They are afraid that people will find out something about them; or rather, afraid that someone will confirm something they suspect about themselves Honestly, that may be the case for some, but I suspect that the majority of the time it's much simpler: Afraid to be in a small-talk situation, and not know what to say after a couple of words. In short, it's a phobia of the feeling of awkwardness. Easier to avoid. Like any phobia, the best way to treat it is by exposure -- putting yourself in awkward situations as much as possible and witnessing that you can handle it/ get out of it. But also like any phobia, that's much, much easier said than done.
- deleted 10y ago
  [deleted]
Tharkun 10y ago
> If they didn't want to be approached, they would find a way to leave the event or avoid it in the first place. That's plain false, and quite frankly a mean assessment. Being somewhere by yourself and not interacting can be a choice and can make for an enjoyable time out. Your broad-sweeping statement is unfounded and offensive.
usmeteora 10y ago
not true. Just because I'm a female introvert doesn't mean everytime I leave my apartment I'm out to socialize. If I go to a music show or a coffee shop or on a walk it doesn't mean I left my kitchen for the exclusive purpose of finding a dating partner. Alot of girls actually prefer places where they can be in public and be left alone and not shamed for it or assumed to be advertising themselves, or otherwise prone to mental disease or emotional inadequacies because they don't want to socialize. In fact places like bars, gyms and other places where women go for the same reasons men go, to enjoy a stiff drink or get in a good workout, pride and advertise themselves for being safe havens with no tolerance for making women feel like they are out of place for existing alone outside of the home.
- 1337biz 10y ago
  Am I understanding that right that you are equating socializing with 'finding a dating partner'? And people approaching you in bars, gymns or other places making you feel unsave?
dragonwriter 10y ago
> If they didn't want to be approached, they would find a way to leave the event or avoid it in the first place. Not wanting to be approached doesn't mean not wanting to observe others interactions at the event.
- VLM 10y ago
  The classic decades old online advice of "lurk for awhile before you post" is also valid in that context. Using military terminology is kind of brutally honest, yet clarifies the situation, if I've been trying to run a stealthy recon mission to observe intel to prep for possible later missions (or not...), a sudden sneak attack by an outnumbering flanking welcome wagon force is can be panic inducing, defensive fire and run for emergency evac. More prosaic its like walking into a new store trying to soak up the vibe and feel of the theme and product lines and style and other customers, then getting pounced on by a salesdroid demanding full attention so they can close a sale to me on whatever gives them the best commission, not cool man, that's why internet shopping is crushing brick and mortar.

by sverige 10y ago

radarsat1 10y ago

> They are afraid that people will find out something about them; or rather, afraid that someone will confirm something they suspect about themselves Honestly, that may be the case for some, but I suspect that the majority of the time it's much simpler: Afraid to be in a small-talk situation, and not know what to say after a couple of words. In short, it's a phobia of the feeling of awkwardness. Easier to avoid. Like any phobia, the best way to treat it is by exposure -- putting yourself in awkward situations as much as possible and witnessing that you can handle it/ get out of it. But also like any phobia, that's much, much easier said than done.

deleted 10y ago
[deleted]

Tharkun 10y ago

> If they didn't want to be approached, they would find a way to leave the event or avoid it in the first place. That's plain false, and quite frankly a mean assessment. Being somewhere by yourself and not interacting can be a choice and can make for an enjoyable time out. Your broad-sweeping statement is unfounded and offensive.

usmeteora 10y ago

not true. Just because I'm a female introvert doesn't mean everytime I leave my apartment I'm out to socialize. If I go to a music show or a coffee shop or on a walk it doesn't mean I left my kitchen for the exclusive purpose of finding a dating partner. Alot of girls actually prefer places where they can be in public and be left alone and not shamed for it or assumed to be advertising themselves, or otherwise prone to mental disease or emotional inadequacies because they don't want to socialize. In fact places like bars, gyms and other places where women go for the same reasons men go, to enjoy a stiff drink or get in a good workout, pride and advertise themselves for being safe havens with no tolerance for making women feel like they are out of place for existing alone outside of the home.

1337biz 10y ago
Am I understanding that right that you are equating socializing with 'finding a dating partner'? And people approaching you in bars, gymns or other places making you feel unsave?

dragonwriter 10y ago

> If they didn't want to be approached, they would find a way to leave the event or avoid it in the first place. Not wanting to be approached doesn't mean not wanting to observe others interactions at the event.

VLM 10y ago
The classic decades old online advice of "lurk for awhile before you post" is also valid in that context. Using military terminology is kind of brutally honest, yet clarifies the situation, if I've been trying to run a stealthy recon mission to observe intel to prep for possible later missions (or not...), a sudden sneak attack by an outnumbering flanking welcome wagon force is can be panic inducing, defensive fire and run for emergency evac. More prosaic its like walking into a new store trying to soak up the vibe and feel of the theme and product lines and style and other customers, then getting pounced on by a salesdroid demanding full attention so they can close a sale to me on whatever gives them the best commission, not cool man, that's why internet shopping is crushing brick and mortar.