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Re: your aside about your personal experience, I've heard it called "engineer's disease" to hear a person complaining about something in their lives and respond

by tashi 10y ago

Re: your aside about your personal experience, I've heard it called "engineer's disease" to hear a person complaining about something in their lives and respond by trying to offer a solution. For many people, commiserating about bad experiences is mostly a bonding exercise, and your main job is just to listen and empathize. If you immediately jump into problem-solving mode, even though you're trying to help it can feel hostile. You may already know that, but since it's not a thing I ever would have figured out on my own, I thought it was worth mentioning. (Hey, I just noticed: I'm a black man posting my experience in the comments to an article about a black man's experience, but my only comment is unsolicited advice to a woman about how not to offer unsolicited advice to women. My irony detector just crashed.)

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humanrebar 10y ago
For many kinds of people, working together is also a bonding exercise. Maybe we should also appreciate that instead of calling it a disease.
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- tashi 10y ago
  Huh, I expected the playfulness of the term would come through. Sorry about that. This was a term coined by engineers to explain why the behavior that seemed, and still seems, so obviously right to a certain kind of brain can be so unwelcome in general.
  - humanrebar 10y ago
    I didn't mean my response to come across so personal and pointed. Apologies. I was pushing back against the wider phenomenon of telling people to clam up and stay disengaged when confronted with pain or discomfort in the people they care about. It's (perhaps ironically) a very narrow perspective that undermines people accepting and understanding one another.
hueving 10y ago
>If you immediately jump into problem-solving mode, even though you're trying to help it can feel hostile. To elaborate on this, if the solution involves the person doing something, people frequently will feel the need to defensively explain why they aren't already doing it or why they don't want to start. A simple solution suggestion can magically simultaneously accuse someone of being stupid and lazy at the same time. I've stepped on this landmine before.

by tashi 10y ago

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humanrebar 10y ago

For many kinds of people, working together is also a bonding exercise. Maybe we should also appreciate that instead of calling it a disease.

deleted 10y ago
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tashi 10y ago
Huh, I expected the playfulness of the term would come through. Sorry about that. This was a term coined by engineers to explain why the behavior that seemed, and still seems, so obviously right to a certain kind of brain can be so unwelcome in general.
- humanrebar 10y ago
  I didn't mean my response to come across so personal and pointed. Apologies. I was pushing back against the wider phenomenon of telling people to clam up and stay disengaged when confronted with pain or discomfort in the people they care about. It's (perhaps ironically) a very narrow perspective that undermines people accepting and understanding one another.

hueving 10y ago

>If you immediately jump into problem-solving mode, even though you're trying to help it can feel hostile. To elaborate on this, if the solution involves the person doing something, people frequently will feel the need to defensively explain why they aren't already doing it or why they don't want to start. A simple solution suggestion can magically simultaneously accuse someone of being stupid and lazy at the same time. I've stepped on this landmine before.