5 ms·

My problem is I don't know how to talk to people for 4 hours straight. That only happens if we have very specific interests in common. When that does happen, it

by beaner 10y ago

My problem is I don't know how to talk to people for 4 hours straight. That only happens if we have very specific interests in common. When that does happen, it might only be with one person, then everybody else gets bored and leaves. I actually like the idea of long, lazy meals with friends. I just don't know how to do it.

tomcorrigan 10y ago
The deeper you get in to a bottle of wine the easier the conversation becomes.
- probably_wrong 10y ago
  Recommending drinking as a solution to a problem is usually not a good idea.
  - smcl 10y ago
    I don't think parent meant it quite like that ...
_98fj 10y ago
You just might be more on the introverted side of the personality scale. A good way to see the difference between intro- and extraversion is as follows. Introverts have a lot of inner tension. That starts when they are toddlers. They constantly have something to think about, thus they need more alone-time than others to sort themselves out and work with their inner life. Talking to others is fine and rewarding, but recovery time is needed afterwards, so they choose their communication carefully. Extroverts have way more inner peace. They don't need much time for themselves, they often get bored being alone. So they seek out other people for stimulation. More often than not they seek out introverts, because those are especially interesting. Talking to others is refreshing for them, it refills their batteries. So if you see yourself on the introverted side, don't worry about it. Just accept it and give yourself the peace you need. Invite more or different guests, so they can talk to each other, while you are busy with someone.
- tbrownaw 10y ago
  No, that's not a good description of the difference. I can prefer reading or watching things quietly over interacting with other humans, without having thoughts stuck chasing rather around in my head.
  - _98fj 10y ago
    Please see my answer above. Inner Tension doesn't mean having thoughts stuck chasing around in your head.
- scandinavegan 10y ago
  I've never seen this description before, saying that introverts are tense and extroverts peaceful. If you put them in an empty room, you could instead easily picture the introvert being calm and the extrovert tense due to a lack of human interaction. I rather think that the best description of the difference is how you charge your batteries. An introvert prefers alone time to recharge and an extrovert prefers the company of other people to do the same. A social gathering with many people would drain an introvert and invigorate an extrovert. It has nothing to do with inner tension or peace. I have seen Susan Cain in the book Quiet talk about introverts as highly sensitive, in the sense that they take in and process more information about the environment. An extrovert would love talking to their friends at a noisy bar, while the introvert would be bothered by the noise and prefer a calmer setting. Being alone is then a way of reducing sensory input to produce a sense of calm, it's not that an introvert would need to be alone to relieve any inner tension.
  - _98fj 10y ago
    > If you put them in an empty room, you could instead easily picture the introvert being calm and the extrovert tense due to a lack of human interaction. That is what I said. I guess my usage of the word "tension" is different. > Being alone is then a way of reducing sensory input to produce a sense of calm, it's not that an introvert would need to be alone to relieve any inner tension. Producing a sense of calm IS the work of relieving inner tensions. I think here lies our misunderstanding. When I'm talking about inner "tension", I'm not talking about any form of visible or invisible stress. Just that there is something "going on". Thought, ideas, inner monologue, some kind of inner activity. There are people who regularly experience prolonged periods without thoughts, idea, inner monologues etc. They are routinely able to access a state of mind which could be described as happily relaxed nothingness.
tnecniv 10y ago
It's not as daunting as it sounds. I consider myself about halfway between introvert and extrovert. On a Friday, I'll semi-regularly will go to a quiet bar with 1-2 friends and talk. If we start with dinner, that's 6 hours until closing time.
mozumder 10y ago
It's really easy - you just have to bring out the interests of other people to have long conversations. Don't worry about what interests you.. it's what interests them that matters. Assume you're boring, and they have no interests in your ideas. Be curious. Ask questions. Get them to discuss the topic in depth. Learn from them. And don't discount/minimize their interests. Make their most banal thoughts the absolutely the most interesting thing the world. In the end, if they start to show interest in your ideas, then you have a match.

by beaner 10y ago

tomcorrigan 10y ago

The deeper you get in to a bottle of wine the easier the conversation becomes.

probably_wrong 10y ago
Recommending drinking as a solution to a problem is usually not a good idea.
- smcl 10y ago
  I don't think parent meant it quite like that ...

_98fj 10y ago

You just might be more on the introverted side of the personality scale. A good way to see the difference between intro- and extraversion is as follows. Introverts have a lot of inner tension. That starts when they are toddlers. They constantly have something to think about, thus they need more alone-time than others to sort themselves out and work with their inner life. Talking to others is fine and rewarding, but recovery time is needed afterwards, so they choose their communication carefully. Extroverts have way more inner peace. They don't need much time for themselves, they often get bored being alone. So they seek out other people for stimulation. More often than not they seek out introverts, because those are especially interesting. Talking to others is refreshing for them, it refills their batteries. So if you see yourself on the introverted side, don't worry about it. Just accept it and give yourself the peace you need. Invite more or different guests, so they can talk to each other, while you are busy with someone.

tbrownaw 10y ago
No, that's not a good description of the difference. I can prefer reading or watching things quietly over interacting with other humans, without having thoughts stuck chasing rather around in my head.
- _98fj 10y ago
  Please see my answer above. Inner Tension doesn't mean having thoughts stuck chasing around in your head.
scandinavegan 10y ago
I've never seen this description before, saying that introverts are tense and extroverts peaceful. If you put them in an empty room, you could instead easily picture the introvert being calm and the extrovert tense due to a lack of human interaction. I rather think that the best description of the difference is how you charge your batteries. An introvert prefers alone time to recharge and an extrovert prefers the company of other people to do the same. A social gathering with many people would drain an introvert and invigorate an extrovert. It has nothing to do with inner tension or peace. I have seen Susan Cain in the book Quiet talk about introverts as highly sensitive, in the sense that they take in and process more information about the environment. An extrovert would love talking to their friends at a noisy bar, while the introvert would be bothered by the noise and prefer a calmer setting. Being alone is then a way of reducing sensory input to produce a sense of calm, it's not that an introvert would need to be alone to relieve any inner tension.
- _98fj 10y ago
  > If you put them in an empty room, you could instead easily picture the introvert being calm and the extrovert tense due to a lack of human interaction. That is what I said. I guess my usage of the word "tension" is different. > Being alone is then a way of reducing sensory input to produce a sense of calm, it's not that an introvert would need to be alone to relieve any inner tension. Producing a sense of calm IS the work of relieving inner tensions. I think here lies our misunderstanding. When I'm talking about inner "tension", I'm not talking about any form of visible or invisible stress. Just that there is something "going on". Thought, ideas, inner monologue, some kind of inner activity. There are people who regularly experience prolonged periods without thoughts, idea, inner monologues etc. They are routinely able to access a state of mind which could be described as happily relaxed nothingness.

tnecniv 10y ago

It's not as daunting as it sounds. I consider myself about halfway between introvert and extrovert. On a Friday, I'll semi-regularly will go to a quiet bar with 1-2 friends and talk. If we start with dinner, that's 6 hours until closing time.

mozumder 10y ago

It's really easy - you just have to bring out the interests of other people to have long conversations. Don't worry about what interests you.. it's what interests them that matters. Assume you're boring, and they have no interests in your ideas. Be curious. Ask questions. Get them to discuss the topic in depth. Learn from them. And don't discount/minimize their interests. Make their most banal thoughts the absolutely the most interesting thing the world. In the end, if they start to show interest in your ideas, then you have a match.