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Yes! My favorite tactic to get people talking about themselves comes from Paul Ford: Just ask the other person what they do, and right after they tell you, say
by rrherr 10y ago
Yes! My favorite tactic to get people talking about themselves comes from Paul Ford:
Just ask the other person what they do, and right after they tell you, say: “Wow. That sounds hard.”
Because nearly everyone in the world believes their job to be difficult. I once went to a party and met a very beautiful woman whose job was to help celebrities wear Harry Winston jewelry. I could tell that she was disappointed to be introduced to this rumpled giant in an off-brand shirt, but when I told her that her job sounded difficult to me she brightened and spoke for 30 straight minutes about sapphires and Jessica Simpson. She kept touching me as she talked. I forgave her for that. I didn’t reveal a single detail about myself, including my name. Eventually someone pulled me back into the party. The celebrity jewelry coordinator smiled and grabbed my hand and said, “I like you!” She seemed so relieved to have unburdened herself. I counted it as a great accomplishment. Maybe a hundred times since I’ve said, “wow, that sounds hard” to a stranger, always to great effect. I stay home with my kids and have no life left to me, so take this party trick, my gift to you.
https://medium.com/message/how-to-be-polite-9bf1e69e888c https://medium.com/message/how-to-be-polite-9bf1e69e888c
- pstuart 10y agothat one weird trick...
- hoodoof 10y agoWell I wasn't there of course, but all things being equal, if a woman at a party touches you whilst talking, is animated in her discussion, and goes to the trouble of saying out loud that she likes you, well usually that's a good sign that a person is "interested". Maybe you're in a relationship, maybe you weren't interested anyway but she might have wanted to get your phone number.
- throwaway2016a 10y agoI can't quite put a finger on it but "Wow. That sounds hard." potentially risks coming off as patronizing.
- nunez 10y agoI prefer "That's really interesting; what's a day in your life like?" People love talking about this because people spend most of their lives working, so most of their life is work.
- personlurking 10y agoI find this to be a good approach too, unless they're in the midst of a PhD program, then they have zero interest in talking about their day cause their dissertation is all-consuming.
- nunez 10y agoActually most people working on their dissertation love talking about it since that dissertation is practically their entire life. I try to get them to speak in their language and try to understand their world better: how they approached their research, what mistakes they encountered, how they learned from them.
- personlurking 10y agoI moved to a city a few years back where it was like every single person I met was a PhD student and none wanted to talk about what they did (some I wouldn't be able to understand anyways, such as astrophysicists, but others I could, if they'd have wanted to talk about it). They'd all mention the general topic, but that's about it. It was quite weird because I happen to share your view and wanted to know more.
- rrherr 10y agoYes, if you're insincere, it's patronizing. So it requires empathy and curiosity. If done right, it's just like the old Dale Carnegie quote: You can make more friends in two months by becoming interested in other people than you can in two years by trying to get other people interested in you.
- 10y ago
- tunap 10y ago"She kept touching me as she talked. I forgave her for that." Salesmen/Saleswomen know a pat on the back or a touch on the arm can be very disarming. When a stranger touches me purposefully I cannot help but scrutinize the "why?".
- icantdrive55 10y agoMe too. A few years ago, I fell for it. Now--the tip goes down.
- tyingq 10y agoPretty bold of a salesperson to grab your forearm, or other obviously flirtatious moves though. Might even risk the opposite of the intended effect. Is that common, or is it usually more subtle, like touching your hand when passing a pen?
- tunap 10y agoA touch on the forearm is what I`ve experienced most from saleswomen, a breast press on my arm has occurred more than once. Always* during a negotiation when I was the prospective buyer. *Excluding social interactions.
- romanovcode 10y agoThey touch you to make you feel something when they say the words. The pros even touch you at a specific words in their sentence so you subconsciously remember those words.
- nommm-nommm 10y agoUhhh...I find pats on the back from strangers to be incredibly rude, patronizing, and uncomfortable. Do that to me and I'm likely to just walk away but not before saying "don't touch me."
- aryehof 10y agoSo in return for being "liked" by that woman, the listener had to pretend to be interested in her talk entirely about herself for half an hour? Where she wasn't interested enough to even ask the listeners name? Sounds like a way to raise her self-esteem at the expense of yours.
- tutufan 10y agoReminds me of Seinfeld's quip about dating being a "whole lot of seeming fascinated"...
- thirdsun 10y ago> So in return for being "liked" by that woman, the listener had to pretend to be interested in her talk entirely about herself for half an hour? If the intention was indeed to get the other person to tell something about themselves I'd say it's a fair and successful approach. Plus, you could be genuinely interested in the other person's 30 minute talk. The idea that the interest has to be fake seems to be your conclusion.
- watwut 10y agoI would guess that she was likely to be lonely. Lonely people tend to react that way - show a bit of interest and they can talk for hours. If you have good friends or family around, you already said all of that to them at one point or another - there will be no unburdening. Alternatively she might be female equivalent of an obsessive geek. The constantly touching thing sounds like one of those awkward uncomfortable things. In any case, she did not said he is the only person in the world she likes nor that this is the only way for someone to make her like him. She just said that she liked him.
- nilram 10y agoStill, it sounds like the paybacks for him were "She kept touching me as she talked. I forgave her for that." and, the knowledge that "I didn’t reveal a single detail about myself, including my name." Amusing.
- bnjms 10y agoWhat a lovely little piece with some delightful quotes. Thank you for sharing. I’ve found that people will fear your enthusiasm and warmth, and wait to hear the price. Which is fair. We’ve all been drawn into someone’s love only to find out that we couldn’t afford it.
- bane 10y agoI often follow up with "I don't know anything about that, can you tell me more?"