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You are projecting your issues onto someone you know nothing about. I have seen cashiers react as if they want to strip search him because he is trying to pay f

by Mz 10y ago

You are projecting your issues onto someone you know nothing about. I have seen cashiers react as if they want to strip search him because he is trying to pay for a pizza. Other people react incredibly negatively to him in ways that are seriously problematic. This is a completely different situation from what you describe. His desire to avoid it when possible is in no way neurotic nor dysfunctional. Additionally, letting him avoid it part of the time makes it easier for him to cope effectively the rest of the time. You can think of it as him having a limited people skills budget and not insisting he piss it away unnecessarily just because other people with a bigger budget don't find it to be a hardship to pay such things. For him, it amounts to being nickeled and dimed to death.

sanswork 10y ago
>I have seen cashiers react as if they want to strip search him because he is trying to pay for a pizza. I'm having trouble picturing what this kind of reaction would look like. Can you explain what the cashiers did that make you think this way?
- Mz 10y ago
  Can you explain why you seem to be reading everything I say in the worst possible light? It comes across like you are intentionally trying to bust my chops, not understand my point.
  - sanswork 10y ago
    I don't think I'm reading this negatively. I'm genuinely curious as to what sort of reaction would make you think they wanted to strip search your son. The only image that comes to my mind when I think of someone wanting to strip search someone involves a cop, a latex glove snapping on the wrist and a menacing look and that seems so the opposite of every experience in a pizza place I've ever had.
    - archenemy 10y ago
      Visible signs of anxiety might make the clerk think he was shoplifting. It has happened to me.
      - ensignavenger 10y ago
        That makes sense, thanks for the insight. But I don't think there are too many store clerks that want to strip-search shoplifters...
    - Mz 10y ago
      You are taking my remarks a bit too literally. And your experience in a pizza place and my son's experience are entirely different things. Coaching him on what to say does not solve it. We have done a lot of reading and we believe he lacks prosody and lacks the ability to tone match. This is something other people are not consciously aware is socially important, but he routinely gets that reaction that is summed up by the phrase "I don't like your tone." In contrast, I appear to habitually tone match without trying. This gets me read as incredibly deferential, which has a different social downside. So, one thing that does work is he and I frequently shop together, everyone knows I am his mother and people generally find me likeable. They eventually conclude "He's a nice, quiet young man." and quit having an issue with him being him.
digler999 10y ago
I'm responding to your comment based on the information you provided. You should direct him over to /r/socialskills. If he's neither "neurotic nor dysfunctional" then he just needs to polish his social skills.
- Mz 10y ago
  You do not know my son at all. His situation does not begin to get summed up in a few paragraphs on a forum. This right here is the arrogance I am talking about. You think you know better than I do what my nearly 30 year old son needs. Now why on earth would you think that? That is incredibly contemptuous.
  - digler999 10y ago
    maybe he turned out that way because of abuse suffered at home with mom and dad? Maybe every time he tried to express himself, mommy got mad and yelled at him and now he's afraid to talk to anybody ? Children are a product of their environment, and it sounds like someone very close to him betrayed him and severely impaired his trust in others.
    - dang 10y ago
      We've banned this account for personal attacks. This was a nasty one and we warned you repeatedly.
      - digler999 10y ago
        but you can allow her to call me arrogant. Her personal info is on her profile so I'll take it from here. you did the same thing with andrea, she comes in here, shits all over everybody and the site. this womans profile is the same, writes several blogs about how were all sexist on HN, yet she keeps coming here and you enable her. Do you see your bias ? I hope you see that to protect women as if they're some endangered species is patronizing and equivalent to sexism. Giving them a special status that is not based on merit. Everyone's got their faults, I said some rude shit (out of thousands of comments, omg I'm not perfect). Your bias is this sexism by patronizing.

by Mz 10y ago

sanswork 10y ago

>I have seen cashiers react as if they want to strip search him because he is trying to pay for a pizza. I'm having trouble picturing what this kind of reaction would look like. Can you explain what the cashiers did that make you think this way?

Mz 10y ago
Can you explain why you seem to be reading everything I say in the worst possible light? It comes across like you are intentionally trying to bust my chops, not understand my point.
- sanswork 10y ago
  I don't think I'm reading this negatively. I'm genuinely curious as to what sort of reaction would make you think they wanted to strip search your son. The only image that comes to my mind when I think of someone wanting to strip search someone involves a cop, a latex glove snapping on the wrist and a menacing look and that seems so the opposite of every experience in a pizza place I've ever had.
  - archenemy 10y ago
    Visible signs of anxiety might make the clerk think he was shoplifting. It has happened to me.
    - ensignavenger 10y ago
      That makes sense, thanks for the insight. But I don't think there are too many store clerks that want to strip-search shoplifters...
  - Mz 10y ago
    You are taking my remarks a bit too literally. And your experience in a pizza place and my son's experience are entirely different things. Coaching him on what to say does not solve it. We have done a lot of reading and we believe he lacks prosody and lacks the ability to tone match. This is something other people are not consciously aware is socially important, but he routinely gets that reaction that is summed up by the phrase "I don't like your tone." In contrast, I appear to habitually tone match without trying. This gets me read as incredibly deferential, which has a different social downside. So, one thing that does work is he and I frequently shop together, everyone knows I am his mother and people generally find me likeable. They eventually conclude "He's a nice, quiet young man." and quit having an issue with him being him.

digler999 10y ago

I'm responding to your comment based on the information you provided. You should direct him over to /r/socialskills. If he's neither "neurotic nor dysfunctional" then he just needs to polish his social skills.

Mz 10y ago
You do not know my son at all. His situation does not begin to get summed up in a few paragraphs on a forum. This right here is the arrogance I am talking about. You think you know better than I do what my nearly 30 year old son needs. Now why on earth would you think that? That is incredibly contemptuous.
- digler999 10y ago
  maybe he turned out that way because of abuse suffered at home with mom and dad? Maybe every time he tried to express himself, mommy got mad and yelled at him and now he's afraid to talk to anybody ? Children are a product of their environment, and it sounds like someone very close to him betrayed him and severely impaired his trust in others.
  - dang 10y ago
    We've banned this account for personal attacks. This was a nasty one and we warned you repeatedly.
    - digler999 10y ago
      but you can allow her to call me arrogant. Her personal info is on her profile so I'll take it from here. you did the same thing with andrea, she comes in here, shits all over everybody and the site. this womans profile is the same, writes several blogs about how were all sexist on HN, yet she keeps coming here and you enable her. Do you see your bias ? I hope you see that to protect women as if they're some endangered species is patronizing and equivalent to sexism. Giving them a special status that is not based on merit. Everyone's got their faults, I said some rude shit (out of thousands of comments, omg I'm not perfect). Your bias is this sexism by patronizing.