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I sent the article to my oldest son because it made me think of him. He replied with: I was sort of thinking about how, if I'd had a different life, I could see

by Mz 10y ago

I sent the article to my oldest son because it made me think of him. He replied with: I was sort of thinking about how, if I'd had a different life, I could see myself doing much the same. Maybe a bit more planned. Maybe not. I was always okay with him being him and did not try to force him to be more social. I helped him figure out how to interact with society on his terms. For example, he likes going to stores with self-checkout so he doesn't have to deal with a cashier. Self-checkout exists and many people use them for many reasons. One of his big motivators is that dealing with people is hard, even for just the brief interaction of paying for his purchase.

digler999 10y ago
> One of his big motivators is that dealing with people is hard, even for just the brief interaction of paying for his purchase. this is a fine line though. If you have some level of social anxiety, avoiding social contact is about the worst you can do for it. It's allowing the fear to control you. A better solution is to work your way through the social anxeity, learning organic ways to "grease the gears" and make situations pleasant to both parties. I had to learn this in my late teens/early 20s. I was withdrawing more and more, stone-faced all the time in public places such as the grocery store. I'd park behind the store just so I didn't have the hassle of interactions in the parking lot. That's letting anxiety reign over you. Cognitive distortions [1] can send you on a downward trajectory where avoidance is the norm and you to go greater and more extreme lengths to mitigate the "problem". I learned that a smile, saying "hi, how are you?" or "excuse me" seem to make most interactions at least 50 "percent" less uncomfortable compared to unemotional silence, which I've seen in psychology books as a sign of hostility. Now, if you are autistic and have something inhibiting your ability to understand social cues, then "just facing it" wont work, but even people on the spectrum can learn to improve their situation through a skilled therapist. [1] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_distortion https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_distortion
- esun 10y ago
  I remember clearly the day when I decided the work of pushing my items through the shitty self-checkout scanner (the clerk's scanner is way better) and bagging my own stuff was a waste of time vs saying four or five pre-rehearsed words and letting the nice clerk do it for me. "Hello!" <clerk something something pleasant> "It's nice outside" Now I understand the clerk would also rather just jam my shit through the scanner and point at the payment total and grunt. I think of it as the chatter when two modems connect. Some noise and then a little signal then we are done.
- Mz 10y ago
  You are projecting your issues onto someone you know nothing about. I have seen cashiers react as if they want to strip search him because he is trying to pay for a pizza. Other people react incredibly negatively to him in ways that are seriously problematic. This is a completely different situation from what you describe. His desire to avoid it when possible is in no way neurotic nor dysfunctional. Additionally, letting him avoid it part of the time makes it easier for him to cope effectively the rest of the time. You can think of it as him having a limited people skills budget and not insisting he piss it away unnecessarily just because other people with a bigger budget don't find it to be a hardship to pay such things. For him, it amounts to being nickeled and dimed to death.
  - sanswork 10y ago
    >I have seen cashiers react as if they want to strip search him because he is trying to pay for a pizza. I'm having trouble picturing what this kind of reaction would look like. Can you explain what the cashiers did that make you think this way?
    - Mz 10y ago
      Can you explain why you seem to be reading everything I say in the worst possible light? It comes across like you are intentionally trying to bust my chops, not understand my point.
      - sanswork 10y ago
        I don't think I'm reading this negatively. I'm genuinely curious as to what sort of reaction would make you think they wanted to strip search your son. The only image that comes to my mind when I think of someone wanting to strip search someone involves a cop, a latex glove snapping on the wrist and a menacing look and that seems so the opposite of every experience in a pizza place I've ever had.
        archenemy 10y ago
        Visible signs of anxiety might make the clerk think he was shoplifting. It has happened to me.

by Mz 10y ago

digler999 10y ago

> One of his big motivators is that dealing with people is hard, even for just the brief interaction of paying for his purchase. this is a fine line though. If you have some level of social anxiety, avoiding social contact is about the worst you can do for it. It's allowing the fear to control you. A better solution is to work your way through the social anxeity, learning organic ways to "grease the gears" and make situations pleasant to both parties. I had to learn this in my late teens/early 20s. I was withdrawing more and more, stone-faced all the time in public places such as the grocery store. I'd park behind the store just so I didn't have the hassle of interactions in the parking lot. That's letting anxiety reign over you. Cognitive distortions [1] can send you on a downward trajectory where avoidance is the norm and you to go greater and more extreme lengths to mitigate the "problem". I learned that a smile, saying "hi, how are you?" or "excuse me" seem to make most interactions at least 50 "percent" less uncomfortable compared to unemotional silence, which I've seen in psychology books as a sign of hostility. Now, if you are autistic and have something inhibiting your ability to understand social cues, then "just facing it" wont work, but even people on the spectrum can learn to improve their situation through a skilled therapist. [1] https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_distortion https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Cognitive_distortion

esun 10y ago
I remember clearly the day when I decided the work of pushing my items through the shitty self-checkout scanner (the clerk's scanner is way better) and bagging my own stuff was a waste of time vs saying four or five pre-rehearsed words and letting the nice clerk do it for me. "Hello!" <clerk something something pleasant> "It's nice outside" Now I understand the clerk would also rather just jam my shit through the scanner and point at the payment total and grunt. I think of it as the chatter when two modems connect. Some noise and then a little signal then we are done.
Mz 10y ago
You are projecting your issues onto someone you know nothing about. I have seen cashiers react as if they want to strip search him because he is trying to pay for a pizza. Other people react incredibly negatively to him in ways that are seriously problematic. This is a completely different situation from what you describe. His desire to avoid it when possible is in no way neurotic nor dysfunctional. Additionally, letting him avoid it part of the time makes it easier for him to cope effectively the rest of the time. You can think of it as him having a limited people skills budget and not insisting he piss it away unnecessarily just because other people with a bigger budget don't find it to be a hardship to pay such things. For him, it amounts to being nickeled and dimed to death.
- sanswork 10y ago
  >I have seen cashiers react as if they want to strip search him because he is trying to pay for a pizza. I'm having trouble picturing what this kind of reaction would look like. Can you explain what the cashiers did that make you think this way?
  - Mz 10y ago
    Can you explain why you seem to be reading everything I say in the worst possible light? It comes across like you are intentionally trying to bust my chops, not understand my point.
    - sanswork 10y ago
      I don't think I'm reading this negatively. I'm genuinely curious as to what sort of reaction would make you think they wanted to strip search your son. The only image that comes to my mind when I think of someone wanting to strip search someone involves a cop, a latex glove snapping on the wrist and a menacing look and that seems so the opposite of every experience in a pizza place I've ever had.
      - archenemy 10y ago
        Visible signs of anxiety might make the clerk think he was shoplifting. It has happened to me.