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No one wants to see our true self? Maybe not. Or maybe you are missing the fact that friends who say, "be yourself" have probably seen bits of your true self
by dgreensp 10y ago
No one wants to see our true self? Maybe not. Or maybe you are missing the fact that friends who say, "be yourself" have probably seen bits of your true self and liked it, and are just trying to cut through your anxiety. You're coming to someone saying, "I want them to like me. Should I be like this? Should I be like that?" If you're lucky enough to be talking to someone who genuinely likes who you are, they are not going to tell you to be something else, just "yourself."
In the advice context of the article, the goal is (for an arbitrary person) to be successful and liked by an audience (whether the TED audience, or an audience of employees, or an audience of TV viewers, or in front of friends and acquaintances). In that context, I'd say being authentic doesn't make you likable, but if you can be authentic while simultaneously being likable, people love that.
Brutal honesty, which is a different thing, will not win you friends. No one likes the person who says, "What? I was just being honest!" Social interactions are transactional and layered with meaning. "I want to have sex with you right now" is not merely a random act of stating a fact, and neither is a personal criticism (e.g. "you're ugly"). An exec who asks her employees for emotional support is making an ask that may not be comfortable.
My advice is to learn to be more authentic (with fewer self-inhibiting inner dictates), for your own personal reasons, and simultaneously to learn how to better relate to other people.
- stagbeetle 10y agoPre-facing this with: "What? I was just being honest!" Skimming this thread, and especially reading this comment, it all seems so absurd. Does this post really reflect how you operate on a day to day basis? By over-analyzing social interactions and figuring out their "rules." > "I want them to like me. Should I be like this? Should I be like that?" Have you not learned this already? Has nobody learned to deal with themselves that they seriously contemplate this article and the shallow "be yourself" advice? The phrase, as it's most commonly used, is likely to be perfect for extroverts. I'm an extrovert, with many extrovert friends, and this is perfect advice for me and my friends. "Don't care what other people think, just do what you want to do and the rest will come." Nothing more. It was not meant to be deconstructed, as it wasn't made by an engineer. It's not meant for introverts and the anxious. Do not apply it your lives. There are no universal truths for human happiness and behaviour.
- dgreensp 10y agoHeh, I'm exasperated with the author too, but only because they published their absurdities. I don't judge people for having absurdities in their heads. As a semi-anxious person, I've found it is useful to deconstruct this stuff.
- peternilson 10y ago"There are no universal truths for human happiness and behaviour." That's pretty bold statement. We know that there are universal truths to human suffering, and the behavior that can lead to suffering. We see it all the time depicted on the news, or we all experience it at one point or another. Why do you say the same is not true of happiness?
- stagbeetle 10y agoEven suffering is not universal. There are many groups who have overcome their subjective pain and no longer feel it. We don't all suffer (but in the practical sense we do).