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I think the divorce rate of previous generations has a lot to do with it. My parents divorced when I was young. It took me a long time to be able to even develo

I think the divorce rate of previous generations has a lot to do with it. My parents divorced when I was young. It took me a long time to be able to even develop the emotional maturity to have an intimate relationship, and longer still to develop any real skill at it. I had no real role models, and the survival lesson I learn was "never be vulnerable." But vulnerability is key to intimacy. It was not until I went through a divorce of my own that I really even "got it". And now... I'm having trouble finding a partner capable of that level of intimacy. My most recent ex-girlfriend was a brick wall; no vulnerability, no expression of deeper emotion. Just a willingness to fight and a quickness to get angry. She's convinced she's not worth loving, and so, of course, she pushed me away, questioned everything, and didn't trust me when I said, "I know you think I feel Y, but I actually feel X." She, too, is the product of divorced parents.

hkmurakami 10y ago
>"I know you think I feel Y, but I actually feel X." That really is an emotionally mature and aware thing to be able to say. Kudos for working hard to get there. If any written material helped you develop it, I'm eager to learn of them.
- cgriswald 10y ago
  Thanks for your kind words. I'm not really sure how I got from A to B except age, pain, and a low tolerance for bullshit (especially my own). My sister believes we are exceptionally analytical and that it has helped us to develop because we are able to be self-critical (not in a pejorative sense). (She's a detective, so maybe she's onto something.) I know that at some point I realized the fear of pain was worse than pain and suddenly it was easy to be emotionally honest with myself and others. I'm not sure if that helps.
brilliantcode 10y ago
This really hits home. I pondered whether I should write the following string of text because they are deeply personal but I've worked up the courage to put them in writing because it's been driving me nuts and I'm sick of having to protect my parent's failures. The earliest memory I have of my father is raging and suffocating my mother with a blanket. The whole movie is spotty. It's like my mind was trying to protect my 7 year old brain by "deleting" traumatic moments. This is the tip of the iceberg. All I can say is I've never felt safe. My biggest fear at the end of school was walking home in fear every single day that my dad might try to kill my mom. My lifelong desire was to provide financially for my mom and younger sister so she wouldn't have to depend on my father. I've failed here but I'm still in this software game, hoping that I can finally provide the life my mom and sister is owed-my father being the world's poorest and financially irresponsible dentist. Even as I'm writing this I'm starting to get uneasy and it's hard for me to continue. Everytime I revisit these scenes, it starts to trigger anxiety and panic. While I think divorce is traumatic, the aftermath of toxic adults who have deep hatred for each other is even more harmful to a child. I really wish my parents had divorced earlier. I wish I hadn't seen, experienced early childhood, teens to adulthood. I am utterly broken. I'm 100% certain that I will remain the way I am. Unable to marry, unable to have meaningful intimate relationships. I'm 30 but I do not feel like my emotional maturity is remotely close. But all that I can bear. As long as there's a single breath of life in me, it will go towards creating products that will solve challenging problems and get paid for it so I can find peace for my family and myself. Happy Wednesday, dear reader.
- GuiA 10y ago
  Thanks for making the effort to share painful personal things :)
- nojvek 10y ago
  While I cannot truly understand what you want through I can deeply sympathize with you. Thank you for sharing your story. Have you tried getting any support regarding intimacy? It is a great feeling to be in love with someone who you can trust and trusts you back.
- cgriswald 10y ago
  Hey, thanks for sharing that. I hope it was as helpful to you sharing it as it was for me reading it. I really relate to your need to support your mom and sister. Whether I wanted it or not, I was the 'man of the house' very early on. It's extremely unfair and affected every relationship I had up until I got divorced. I also relate to your missing/foggy memories. For a long time I couldn't remember the happy parts of my childhood. It was like life began for me when my parents divorced; and life was hell. If you haven't, consider therapy. I can't really describe how it helped me move past the emotions of my childhood, but it did. I have no issues remembering the happier times, and I can remember the miserable times without really feeling that black dread spreading across my stomach anymore. If you're still feeling it, you're stuck, and it's okay to get help with it. Trust me when I say you are not utterly broken. You've been tenacious in your pursuit of peace, be tenacious in your pursuit of a whole self.

hkmurakami 10y ago

>"I know you think I feel Y, but I actually feel X." That really is an emotionally mature and aware thing to be able to say. Kudos for working hard to get there. If any written material helped you develop it, I'm eager to learn of them.

cgriswald 10y ago
Thanks for your kind words. I'm not really sure how I got from A to B except age, pain, and a low tolerance for bullshit (especially my own). My sister believes we are exceptionally analytical and that it has helped us to develop because we are able to be self-critical (not in a pejorative sense). (She's a detective, so maybe she's onto something.) I know that at some point I realized the fear of pain was worse than pain and suddenly it was easy to be emotionally honest with myself and others. I'm not sure if that helps.

brilliantcode 10y ago

This really hits home. I pondered whether I should write the following string of text because they are deeply personal but I've worked up the courage to put them in writing because it's been driving me nuts and I'm sick of having to protect my parent's failures. The earliest memory I have of my father is raging and suffocating my mother with a blanket. The whole movie is spotty. It's like my mind was trying to protect my 7 year old brain by "deleting" traumatic moments. This is the tip of the iceberg. All I can say is I've never felt safe. My biggest fear at the end of school was walking home in fear every single day that my dad might try to kill my mom. My lifelong desire was to provide financially for my mom and younger sister so she wouldn't have to depend on my father. I've failed here but I'm still in this software game, hoping that I can finally provide the life my mom and sister is owed-my father being the world's poorest and financially irresponsible dentist. Even as I'm writing this I'm starting to get uneasy and it's hard for me to continue. Everytime I revisit these scenes, it starts to trigger anxiety and panic. While I think divorce is traumatic, the aftermath of toxic adults who have deep hatred for each other is even more harmful to a child. I really wish my parents had divorced earlier. I wish I hadn't seen, experienced early childhood, teens to adulthood. I am utterly broken. I'm 100% certain that I will remain the way I am. Unable to marry, unable to have meaningful intimate relationships. I'm 30 but I do not feel like my emotional maturity is remotely close. But all that I can bear. As long as there's a single breath of life in me, it will go towards creating products that will solve challenging problems and get paid for it so I can find peace for my family and myself. Happy Wednesday, dear reader.

GuiA 10y ago
Thanks for making the effort to share painful personal things :)
nojvek 10y ago
While I cannot truly understand what you want through I can deeply sympathize with you. Thank you for sharing your story. Have you tried getting any support regarding intimacy? It is a great feeling to be in love with someone who you can trust and trusts you back.
cgriswald 10y ago
Hey, thanks for sharing that. I hope it was as helpful to you sharing it as it was for me reading it. I really relate to your need to support your mom and sister. Whether I wanted it or not, I was the 'man of the house' very early on. It's extremely unfair and affected every relationship I had up until I got divorced. I also relate to your missing/foggy memories. For a long time I couldn't remember the happy parts of my childhood. It was like life began for me when my parents divorced; and life was hell. If you haven't, consider therapy. I can't really describe how it helped me move past the emotions of my childhood, but it did. I have no issues remembering the happier times, and I can remember the miserable times without really feeling that black dread spreading across my stomach anymore. If you're still feeling it, you're stuck, and it's okay to get help with it. Trust me when I say you are not utterly broken. You've been tenacious in your pursuit of peace, be tenacious in your pursuit of a whole self.