The amount you apologised at the end of your post gave me some indication about where your head is at now. You may be stuck in to rigid a routine to be able to

The amount you apologised at the end of your post gave me some indication about where your head is at now. You may be stuck in to rigid a routine to be able to see it (everyday you go for a long walk and drink). Maybe change things up a bit. Break away from the cycle you're in. Do you have any other hobbies? Creative ones? Spend an afternoon learning to draw a face. Or try and cook something complex you've never tried before.