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I spoke to a divorce lawyer and as someone getting married in a few months I asked him what made marriages fail. He said that "It's mostly out of your control,

I spoke to a divorce lawyer and as someone getting married in a few months I asked him what made marriages fail. He said that "It's mostly out of your control, when men come in it is mostly because their wife has been unfaithful. When women come in it is mostly because the man has lost his job." He also said that women seem to tolerate a great deal of infidelity on the part of the man up until the point where he stops earning. Sort of makes me glad that I met my fiancee while I was very poor, hopefully I set the bar rather low.

derrickdirge 10y ago
If I knew my wife was considering divorcing me because because I lost my job, she wouldn't have to consider it any longer because I'd get the ball rolling. I suspect that there are deeper compatibility issues at play and major events like infidelity or job loss just act as catalysts for divorce.
- ams6110 10y ago
  It's comforting to think that, but human nature is what it is. The typical woman would not immediately hire a divorce lawyer if her husband lost his job, but after a year or two she'd definitely be thinking she could do better (regardless of "fault").
  - derrickdirge 10y ago
    I just think that's a very reductionist outlook. Humans are complicated. They have a lot of different needs that all have complex relationships with one another. Everyone experiences theses needs to varying degrees. If the needs that aren't adequately satisfied aren't outweighed by those that are, then it's reasonable for a person to start looking elsewhere to satisfy those needs. If my wife became a huge economic burden and wasn't contributing anything else to the relationship, then after a year or two I'd definitely be thinking I could do better.
- mos_basik 10y ago
  If that were true, would it not be equally likely that husbands would initiate divorces when their wives lost their jobs, and women would initiate divorces when their husbands cheat? (I.e., a contradiction of GP's claim - but your comment doesn't sound like you intend to contradict him, but only explain the behavior he described.) You could begin to support such an explanation by pointing out that less women work and so less women are able to lose jobs and so less men divorce them because of it. But that only explains half of the divorce inequalities described by GP. Do men really cheat significantly less than women? So we arrive at a point where either it's more socially acceptable for women to divorce men because of job loss than the reverse (GP correct), or it's more socially acceptable for women to cheat than men (GP incorrect). Conversely, either it's more socially acceptable for men to divorce women for cheating than the reverse (GP correct), or it's more socially acceptable for women to be unemployed than men (GP incorrect). Interesting! Of course, this is all based on anecdote. Also maybe I oopsed and strawmanned inadvertently.
da02 10y ago
What dates do you go on when you were dating her and poor? How did you leave "poverty"?
- cmdrfred 10y ago
  I think the best dates are essentially free. Go to a park with a bed sheet with the lunch you were going to eat anyway for example. That's only bus fare or gas as an input cost. Going to a bar and screaming over the music while you get shitfaced is no way to get to know someone. As for how I got out of it. I got someone to give me my first job in IT. I was a cook prior to that. I'm not wealthy but I pretty much have everything I need.
  - da02 10y ago
    What was the IT job like? I never heard of anyone going from cook to IT. Congrats.
    - cmdrfred 10y ago
      I was the Sysadmin for a number of medical offices. I did a brief stop working in a colourant lab prior to that but cooked for nearly a decade prior. Thank you.
      - da02 10y ago
        What training or certifications did you participate in?
jessaustin 10y ago
If he were honest he would have identified another category of woman: she has put up with her husband while building her career, but now that she has either succeeded or satisfied herself that she won't, she has had one or more kids and realized she doesn't have to stay married to receive the benefits of her husband's labor. Maybe there have been some recent 911 calls about "domestic violence"? Although, as you say, that's still out of the husband's control.

derrickdirge 10y ago

If I knew my wife was considering divorcing me because because I lost my job, she wouldn't have to consider it any longer because I'd get the ball rolling. I suspect that there are deeper compatibility issues at play and major events like infidelity or job loss just act as catalysts for divorce.

ams6110 10y ago
It's comforting to think that, but human nature is what it is. The typical woman would not immediately hire a divorce lawyer if her husband lost his job, but after a year or two she'd definitely be thinking she could do better (regardless of "fault").
- derrickdirge 10y ago
  I just think that's a very reductionist outlook. Humans are complicated. They have a lot of different needs that all have complex relationships with one another. Everyone experiences theses needs to varying degrees. If the needs that aren't adequately satisfied aren't outweighed by those that are, then it's reasonable for a person to start looking elsewhere to satisfy those needs. If my wife became a huge economic burden and wasn't contributing anything else to the relationship, then after a year or two I'd definitely be thinking I could do better.
mos_basik 10y ago
If that were true, would it not be equally likely that husbands would initiate divorces when their wives lost their jobs, and women would initiate divorces when their husbands cheat? (I.e., a contradiction of GP's claim - but your comment doesn't sound like you intend to contradict him, but only explain the behavior he described.) You could begin to support such an explanation by pointing out that less women work and so less women are able to lose jobs and so less men divorce them because of it. But that only explains half of the divorce inequalities described by GP. Do men really cheat significantly less than women? So we arrive at a point where either it's more socially acceptable for women to divorce men because of job loss than the reverse (GP correct), or it's more socially acceptable for women to cheat than men (GP incorrect). Conversely, either it's more socially acceptable for men to divorce women for cheating than the reverse (GP correct), or it's more socially acceptable for women to be unemployed than men (GP incorrect). Interesting! Of course, this is all based on anecdote. Also maybe I oopsed and strawmanned inadvertently.

da02 10y ago

What dates do you go on when you were dating her and poor? How did you leave "poverty"?

cmdrfred 10y ago
I think the best dates are essentially free. Go to a park with a bed sheet with the lunch you were going to eat anyway for example. That's only bus fare or gas as an input cost. Going to a bar and screaming over the music while you get shitfaced is no way to get to know someone. As for how I got out of it. I got someone to give me my first job in IT. I was a cook prior to that. I'm not wealthy but I pretty much have everything I need.
- da02 10y ago
  What was the IT job like? I never heard of anyone going from cook to IT. Congrats.
  - cmdrfred 10y ago
    I was the Sysadmin for a number of medical offices. I did a brief stop working in a colourant lab prior to that but cooked for nearly a decade prior. Thank you.
    - da02 10y ago
      What training or certifications did you participate in?

jessaustin 10y ago

If he were honest he would have identified another category of woman: she has put up with her husband while building her career, but now that she has either succeeded or satisfied herself that she won't, she has had one or more kids and realized she doesn't have to stay married to receive the benefits of her husband's labor. Maybe there have been some recent 911 calls about "domestic violence"? Although, as you say, that's still out of the husband's control.