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>On my first official day rotating on the team, my new manager sent me a string of messages over company chat. He was in an open relationship, he said, and his

>On my first official day rotating on the team, my new manager sent me a string of messages over company chat. He was in an open relationship, he said, and his girlfriend was having an easy time finding new partners but he wasn't. Totally normal behavior! Who hasn't spoken about their sex life the very first day of interactions? "Welcome to the team, we use Git for source control, all of our company knowledgebase is on Confluence, and I'm in an open sex relationship! See you at lunch!" I can't fathom what kind of weirdo does something like this, male or female.

exolymph 10y ago
> I can't fathom what kind of weirdo does something like this, male or female. People who get off on violating other people's boundaries.
- TazeTSchnitzel 10y ago
  Or who can get away with it.
kevinburke 10y ago
I would guess that this happens more often than you imagine. Women often don't share stories like this for fear of retribution at their current company or future companies, or because they think you won't believe them. In addition NDA's are often a condition of receiving severance. Most women in Silicon Valley have had experiences similar to those mentioned in the article (HR disbelief, multiple women reporting same man to no effect, retaliation, legal threats, &c, &c). The OP probably declined a severance package to write this.
- kbenson 10y ago
  Well, it sounds like she quit, wasn't fired/laid off, so a severence package probably doesn't apply (although if the rumors about how bad Uber is to work at are true, perhaps they do offer severance packages to those quitting...).
  - kevinburke 10y ago
    I know multiple women at other companies who have been offered severance after they quit just to keep quiet about how bad things are. Not rare.
- facepalm 10y ago
  Your guessing sounds rather sexist. Why not stick to data instead of guessing? There is enough bias against men already.
  - kevinburke 10y ago
    My "data" is every woman I know in tech sharing this story with a comment like, "A version of this happened to me" or "I know so many people who have had this happen to them." Also multiple stories of women reporting harassment and being forced out of companies, as well as multiple women I know signing NDA's as a condition of receiving severance pay to avoid discussing a company's poor treatment or management of harassment.
    - facepalm 10y ago
      Then don't write "I guess it is common", state the number of women who told you such things. Personally I haven't heard many such stories from women in tech. Also differentiate between some colleague being interested in them and boss proposing sex on first day.
      - socksy 10y ago
        Have you tried asking them? It feels vaguely ridiculous to expect hard data and facts on things of "people told me". I know I have female friends who have told me similar stories, but I couldn't for the life of me remember how many, nor would I want to start iterating these anecdotes to a stranger on the internet. In exactly the same way it would be to start statistically analysing any other statement on "people told me [x]". As for the latter, putting lines in the sand is a good way to be seen as not wanting to listen... I'm not saying that's what you're doing in this case, just how it comes across. Like, you've decided in advance what you want the result from the discussion to be, and no woman will be able to cross whatever standard you've chosen for inappropriate propositions (even when this is totally untrue).
        facepalm 10y ago
hibikir 10y ago
Unfortunately the 'I am in an open relationship, want to fuck?' line is something that I've seen more than once, initiated by both men and women engineers. At least one of those examples goes to a lot of conferences, and pretty much opens with that line to people in the opposite sex, and has a Twitter following in the 5 digits. I am also aware of a funded dev tools startup that has a single woman engineer: She happens to share a bed with the CEO every so often. Imagine how comfortable that must be for any other woman that might join the company, or anyone sharing a team with said woman engineer. So I have seen the kind of weirdos that do something like this. I don't wish them on my worst enemy.
sidcool 10y ago
Sex addict is the term that comes to mind.
cbtacy 10y ago
What kind of weirdo? Here... I'll help. They're male. They're engineers. They work in tech. That's what kind.
- sctb 10y ago
  Please stop posting uncivilly and unsubstantively like this. https://news.ycombinator.com/newsguidelines.html https://news.ycombinator.com/newsguidelines.html

exolymph 10y ago

> I can't fathom what kind of weirdo does something like this, male or female. People who get off on violating other people's boundaries.

TazeTSchnitzel 10y ago
Or who can get away with it.

kevinburke 10y ago

I would guess that this happens more often than you imagine. Women often don't share stories like this for fear of retribution at their current company or future companies, or because they think you won't believe them. In addition NDA's are often a condition of receiving severance. Most women in Silicon Valley have had experiences similar to those mentioned in the article (HR disbelief, multiple women reporting same man to no effect, retaliation, legal threats, &c, &c). The OP probably declined a severance package to write this.

kbenson 10y ago
Well, it sounds like she quit, wasn't fired/laid off, so a severence package probably doesn't apply (although if the rumors about how bad Uber is to work at are true, perhaps they do offer severance packages to those quitting...).
- kevinburke 10y ago
  I know multiple women at other companies who have been offered severance after they quit just to keep quiet about how bad things are. Not rare.
facepalm 10y ago
Your guessing sounds rather sexist. Why not stick to data instead of guessing? There is enough bias against men already.
- kevinburke 10y ago
  My "data" is every woman I know in tech sharing this story with a comment like, "A version of this happened to me" or "I know so many people who have had this happen to them." Also multiple stories of women reporting harassment and being forced out of companies, as well as multiple women I know signing NDA's as a condition of receiving severance pay to avoid discussing a company's poor treatment or management of harassment.
  - facepalm 10y ago
    Then don't write "I guess it is common", state the number of women who told you such things. Personally I haven't heard many such stories from women in tech. Also differentiate between some colleague being interested in them and boss proposing sex on first day.
    - socksy 10y ago
      Have you tried asking them? It feels vaguely ridiculous to expect hard data and facts on things of "people told me". I know I have female friends who have told me similar stories, but I couldn't for the life of me remember how many, nor would I want to start iterating these anecdotes to a stranger on the internet. In exactly the same way it would be to start statistically analysing any other statement on "people told me [x]". As for the latter, putting lines in the sand is a good way to be seen as not wanting to listen... I'm not saying that's what you're doing in this case, just how it comes across. Like, you've decided in advance what you want the result from the discussion to be, and no woman will be able to cross whatever standard you've chosen for inappropriate propositions (even when this is totally untrue).
      - facepalm 10y ago

hibikir 10y ago

Unfortunately the 'I am in an open relationship, want to fuck?' line is something that I've seen more than once, initiated by both men and women engineers. At least one of those examples goes to a lot of conferences, and pretty much opens with that line to people in the opposite sex, and has a Twitter following in the 5 digits. I am also aware of a funded dev tools startup that has a single woman engineer: She happens to share a bed with the CEO every so often. Imagine how comfortable that must be for any other woman that might join the company, or anyone sharing a team with said woman engineer. So I have seen the kind of weirdos that do something like this. I don't wish them on my worst enemy.

sidcool 10y ago

Sex addict is the term that comes to mind.

cbtacy 10y ago

What kind of weirdo? Here... I'll help. They're male. They're engineers. They work in tech. That's what kind.

sctb 10y ago
Please stop posting uncivilly and unsubstantively like this. https://news.ycombinator.com/newsguidelines.html https://news.ycombinator.com/newsguidelines.html