4 ms·

Yep, this is the rarely-discussed side of finding an "independent"/"ambitious" partner. It seems great on paper to be "equal" but it's not so simple. I've broke

Yep, this is the rarely-discussed side of finding an "independent"/"ambitious" partner. It seems great on paper to be "equal" but it's not so simple. I've broken off relationships over partners refusing to even humor a discussion. Thankfully the person I married is far more willing to face my ambitions and discuss compromises and other options. We've run the gamut from me pursuing med school to SAHM-hood (and SAHD for him, too) - which, despite society generally looking down on childrearing, I think it's possible and great for someone to be ambitious about it. Alimony is a bit amusing to consider from my perspective, then. It's being seen here and elsewhere as a bit of a "woman takes my hard-earned money" thing. I could easily think the opposite! I'm not sure all these people would necessarily appreciate being on the end of that kind of criticism if they made any sacrifices for my ambition that created an imbalance :) And with my relationship and aiming to work with my partner as much as possible for the benefit of our family, I wouldn't begrudge spousal support so easily, even if we split acrimoniously.

kchoudhu 10y ago
I have a feeling that a lot of the people ripping on alimony in this thread and elsewhere on the 'net were/are not ready for the deprioritization of self and concomitant promotion of "us"[1] inherent in marriage. [1] Note use of "us" and not "other". You aren't putting the other person on a pedestal here!
sheepmullet 10y ago
> of that kind of criticism if they made any sacrifices for my ambition that created an imbalance :) The reason alimony is unfair is marriage is a two way street and alimony is not. I work 60+ hours a week in a high stress role. I come home at 6pm and spend a couple of hours playing with my kids. Then my wife gets them ready for bed while I do another hour or so of work. Finally around 9 or 930pm I sit down with my wife and we relax together for another hour or so. What would happen if we divorced? I'd get to see my kids every second weekend and I'd lose all my emotional support. Without my partners support I couldn't handle my 60+ hours of high stress work each week. And I'd like to see my kids more often. I could easily take a 60% pay cut and drop my hours to a sustainable 25-30/week but I'll end up in prison due to my states alimony laws.
- kchoudhu 10y ago
  If you are actually married, I encourage you to reconsider very carefully what you bring to your marriage, what your wife brings to the marriage, and whether you have truly built a two-way marriage. The day I did this was surprising. Personally, I went from "she's slacking while I'm busting my ass" to "we are both very, very tired at the end of the day for very good reasons". The mutual increase in respect and empathy afterwards was noticeable.
  - graeme 10y ago
    I'm not sure the comment you're replying to has that issue. They said: > Without my partners support I couldn't handle my 60+ hours of high stress work each week. So within the marriage, they're perfectly happy with the split (or at least that's a reasonable read of their comment). They're saying that if a divorce happened, alimony laws would require them to continue working long hours to keep up their income, even though they lost the partnership benefits of the marriage that make such a workweek possible.
    - sheepmullet 10y ago
      Exactly :) My wife supports and enables me to be ambitious and handle high stress work. Without my wife I couldn't handle it and would burn out in months. But the legal system doesn't care.
  - sheepmullet 10y ago
    Our marriage is just fine thanks :) My point is if we did divorce I would be screwed by the legal system whereas my wife would be supported by the legal system. How is that fair?
- deleted 10y ago
  [deleted]

kchoudhu 10y ago

I have a feeling that a lot of the people ripping on alimony in this thread and elsewhere on the 'net were/are not ready for the deprioritization of self and concomitant promotion of "us"[1] inherent in marriage. [1] Note use of "us" and not "other". You aren't putting the other person on a pedestal here!

sheepmullet 10y ago

> of that kind of criticism if they made any sacrifices for my ambition that created an imbalance :) The reason alimony is unfair is marriage is a two way street and alimony is not. I work 60+ hours a week in a high stress role. I come home at 6pm and spend a couple of hours playing with my kids. Then my wife gets them ready for bed while I do another hour or so of work. Finally around 9 or 930pm I sit down with my wife and we relax together for another hour or so. What would happen if we divorced? I'd get to see my kids every second weekend and I'd lose all my emotional support. Without my partners support I couldn't handle my 60+ hours of high stress work each week. And I'd like to see my kids more often. I could easily take a 60% pay cut and drop my hours to a sustainable 25-30/week but I'll end up in prison due to my states alimony laws.

kchoudhu 10y ago
If you are actually married, I encourage you to reconsider very carefully what you bring to your marriage, what your wife brings to the marriage, and whether you have truly built a two-way marriage. The day I did this was surprising. Personally, I went from "she's slacking while I'm busting my ass" to "we are both very, very tired at the end of the day for very good reasons". The mutual increase in respect and empathy afterwards was noticeable.
- graeme 10y ago
  I'm not sure the comment you're replying to has that issue. They said: > Without my partners support I couldn't handle my 60+ hours of high stress work each week. So within the marriage, they're perfectly happy with the split (or at least that's a reasonable read of their comment). They're saying that if a divorce happened, alimony laws would require them to continue working long hours to keep up their income, even though they lost the partnership benefits of the marriage that make such a workweek possible.
  - sheepmullet 10y ago
    Exactly :) My wife supports and enables me to be ambitious and handle high stress work. Without my wife I couldn't handle it and would burn out in months. But the legal system doesn't care.
- sheepmullet 10y ago
  Our marriage is just fine thanks :) My point is if we did divorce I would be screwed by the legal system whereas my wife would be supported by the legal system. How is that fair?
deleted 10y ago
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