4 ms·

> My definition of a friend is someone you can rely on when things goes to shit eg... Being half way across the country and you've just been robbed and they dri

> My definition of a friend is someone you can rely on when things goes to shit eg... Being half way across the country and you've just been robbed and they drive 20 hours to pick you up. Yes, that's one possible quality in a friend. Another is making time for _their_ shit as well and it doesn't sound like the author did very much of that. It's also nice to make time for friends without having to deal with either yours or their dilemmas and just enjoy each other's company.

hackits 10y ago
Agree, _their_ shit may not be important to you but it's important to them that's where within reason you step in to help out where you can. Vanishing at the first sign of problem tells it wasn't really friendship but more college or associate.
conductr 10y ago
Agree with the dilemma free part. I've found "adult" friendship works like this. Just hang out catch up have fun. Don't call me when your car breaks down, call a tow truck. I won't ask you to help me move, I'll hire movers. The story of your car breaking down is good stuff. Let's talk about it over beers. However, I say that with a realization that poorer people don't operate this way. They are still very much "it takes a village" and help each other with life's problems. Where I can relate with OP is when talking to these friends I'll say something like "move?! Eff that it's July/hot you just need to hire someone" without realizing they would not consider doing so as it's way too expensive for them. Then I look like a jerk because I would never consider doing manual labor in the heat
- goblin89 10y ago
  You nailed it down with “adult” vs. “it takes a village”. Seemingly impersonal nature of the former makes me feel sad sometimes, while the latter feels indeed childish.
  - lazaroclapp 10y ago
    As a note, the later is very seldom considered childish in some cultures and some economic backgrounds. I have known people for which the request to their friends is not "will you help me move?" but "will you help me build my house?" (think bricklaying and setting up a tin or wooden roof). They would definitely return the favor, as well.
    - conductr 10y ago
      I think that's very different cases. One is help me I'm in a jam and can't solve my own problems. The other is embarking on a project together. My friend might hate me for not helping out in a jam, but probably won't think much of it if I don't want to help with the project.
      - lazaroclapp 10y ago
        Not really. For the people I am talking about, helping with something like that would be absolutely expected from a very close friend (a "compadre" for example, which is a Spanish term for the godfather of your children, would be considered very unreliable if he didn't help with something like that). It would even be considered a bit rude for neighbors not to do so in some neighborhoods (specially if other neighbors helped them with their homes). Admittedly, I am not from those circles and I am not 100% sure about the etiquete, but there are definitely pretty strong rules about what you expect from your close community and viceversa. It is part out of necessity, because we are talking about places with very little economic resources and practically no access to government or banking services.
    - deleted 10y ago
      [deleted]
- wruza 10y ago
  I offer them money. That may sound as jerk, but actually if you're serious and open, they will not blame you even if rejected. There is no real difference between "help me" and "give me money". Once everyone gets it, things become much easier. On TFA's money part: I wonder if he offered any help to his relatives after he got money. Buy them a present like ps4 for their kids or new tv. Help solving bureaucrative issue. Take them to their comfortable bar for free. No, he goes to poor house and makes jokes about tesla issues. Real jerk.
  - awfgylbcxhrey 10y ago
    There is no real difference between "help me" and "give me money". There's a huge difference. Actively putting in work alongside someone is a great bonding experience. Being "in it" with someone is completely different from putting up some money.
  - conductr 10y ago
    I think offering money is the worst. If they really need it let them ask. In my experience, people keep tabs and grow expectations. I never offer to give money. It's become a filter for how I know if some is really really in a bad place. They won't ask me for money unless it's an emergency in which case I usually help. This is crossing more into very close friends and family.

hackits 10y ago

Agree, _their_ shit may not be important to you but it's important to them that's where within reason you step in to help out where you can. Vanishing at the first sign of problem tells it wasn't really friendship but more college or associate.

conductr 10y ago

Agree with the dilemma free part. I've found "adult" friendship works like this. Just hang out catch up have fun. Don't call me when your car breaks down, call a tow truck. I won't ask you to help me move, I'll hire movers. The story of your car breaking down is good stuff. Let's talk about it over beers. However, I say that with a realization that poorer people don't operate this way. They are still very much "it takes a village" and help each other with life's problems. Where I can relate with OP is when talking to these friends I'll say something like "move?! Eff that it's July/hot you just need to hire someone" without realizing they would not consider doing so as it's way too expensive for them. Then I look like a jerk because I would never consider doing manual labor in the heat

goblin89 10y ago
You nailed it down with “adult” vs. “it takes a village”. Seemingly impersonal nature of the former makes me feel sad sometimes, while the latter feels indeed childish.
- lazaroclapp 10y ago
  As a note, the later is very seldom considered childish in some cultures and some economic backgrounds. I have known people for which the request to their friends is not "will you help me move?" but "will you help me build my house?" (think bricklaying and setting up a tin or wooden roof). They would definitely return the favor, as well.
  - conductr 10y ago
    I think that's very different cases. One is help me I'm in a jam and can't solve my own problems. The other is embarking on a project together. My friend might hate me for not helping out in a jam, but probably won't think much of it if I don't want to help with the project.
    - lazaroclapp 10y ago
      Not really. For the people I am talking about, helping with something like that would be absolutely expected from a very close friend (a "compadre" for example, which is a Spanish term for the godfather of your children, would be considered very unreliable if he didn't help with something like that). It would even be considered a bit rude for neighbors not to do so in some neighborhoods (specially if other neighbors helped them with their homes). Admittedly, I am not from those circles and I am not 100% sure about the etiquete, but there are definitely pretty strong rules about what you expect from your close community and viceversa. It is part out of necessity, because we are talking about places with very little economic resources and practically no access to government or banking services.
  - deleted 10y ago
    [deleted]
wruza 10y ago
I offer them money. That may sound as jerk, but actually if you're serious and open, they will not blame you even if rejected. There is no real difference between "help me" and "give me money". Once everyone gets it, things become much easier. On TFA's money part: I wonder if he offered any help to his relatives after he got money. Buy them a present like ps4 for their kids or new tv. Help solving bureaucrative issue. Take them to their comfortable bar for free. No, he goes to poor house and makes jokes about tesla issues. Real jerk.
- awfgylbcxhrey 10y ago
  There is no real difference between "help me" and "give me money". There's a huge difference. Actively putting in work alongside someone is a great bonding experience. Being "in it" with someone is completely different from putting up some money.
- conductr 10y ago
  I think offering money is the worst. If they really need it let them ask. In my experience, people keep tabs and grow expectations. I never offer to give money. It's become a filter for how I know if some is really really in a bad place. They won't ask me for money unless it's an emergency in which case I usually help. This is crossing more into very close friends and family.