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Unfortunately, I no longer have very many friends. I worked so hard in my 20s and early 30s that I let my closest relationships lapse in the name of making mone

by smaili 10y ago

Unfortunately, I no longer have very many friends. I worked so hard in my 20s and early 30s that I let my closest relationships lapse in the name of making money. It’s tough to keep friends around when you’re either working, or work is on your mind 24/7. One of the unfortunate side effects of hustle/grit/what have you, that I myself experienced and can relate to the author.

AznHisoka 10y ago
On the other hand, most friendships die out when people reach their late 20s (career, moving elsewhere, kids, marriage) so it might have been inevitable even if you didnt do a startup.
hackits 10y ago
ammmm, if your friendship requires constant hand holding then I would say it would better to lose them faster (early on) because they're not going to be around when you hit the hard times. My definition of a friend is someone you can rely on when things goes to shit eg... Being half way across the country and you've just been robbed and they drive 20 hours to pick you up. Now if they cannot even meet you half way across town because you have a deadline then I will say you don't have a friend.
- alpha_squared 10y ago
  > My definition of a friend is someone you can rely on when things goes to shit eg... Being half way across the country and you've just been robbed and they drive 20 hours to pick you up. Yes, that's one possible quality in a friend. Another is making time for _their_ shit as well and it doesn't sound like the author did very much of that. It's also nice to make time for friends without having to deal with either yours or their dilemmas and just enjoy each other's company.
  - hackits 10y ago
    Agree, _their_ shit may not be important to you but it's important to them that's where within reason you step in to help out where you can. Vanishing at the first sign of problem tells it wasn't really friendship but more college or associate.
  - conductr 10y ago
    Agree with the dilemma free part. I've found "adult" friendship works like this. Just hang out catch up have fun. Don't call me when your car breaks down, call a tow truck. I won't ask you to help me move, I'll hire movers. The story of your car breaking down is good stuff. Let's talk about it over beers. However, I say that with a realization that poorer people don't operate this way. They are still very much "it takes a village" and help each other with life's problems. Where I can relate with OP is when talking to these friends I'll say something like "move?! Eff that it's July/hot you just need to hire someone" without realizing they would not consider doing so as it's way too expensive for them. Then I look like a jerk because I would never consider doing manual labor in the heat
    - goblin89 10y ago
      You nailed it down with “adult” vs. “it takes a village”. Seemingly impersonal nature of the former makes me feel sad sometimes, while the latter feels indeed childish.
      - lazaroclapp 10y ago
        As a note, the later is very seldom considered childish in some cultures and some economic backgrounds. I have known people for which the request to their friends is not "will you help me move?" but "will you help me build my house?" (think bricklaying and setting up a tin or wooden roof). They would definitely return the favor, as well.
        conductr 10y ago
        I think that's very different cases. One is help me I'm in a jam and can't solve my own problems. The other is embarking on a project together. My friend might hate me for not helping out in a jam, but probably won't think much of it if I don't want to help with the project.
        lazaroclapp 10y ago
        Not really. For the people I am talking about, helping with something like that would be absolutely expected from a very close friend (a "compadre" for example, which is a Spanish term for the godfather of your children, would be considered very unreliable if he didn't help with something like that). It would even be considered a bit rude for neighbors not to do so in some neighborhoods (specially if other neighbors helped them with their homes). Admittedly, I am not from those circles and I am not 100% sure about the etiquete, but there are definitely pretty strong rules about what you expect from your close community and viceversa. It is part out of necessity, because we are talking about places with very little economic resources and practically no access to government or banking services.
- spangry 10y ago
  There's a limit, as I recently discovered. I had very patient, forgiving friends. But they've given up on me, and I can't say I blame them.
- vinceguidry 10y ago
  I've been that friend, and I have to say, people that have those kinds of problems tend to have them over and over again. Not being that kind of friend cuts those kinds of people out of your life, and that's a net plus.

by smaili 10y ago

AznHisoka 10y ago

On the other hand, most friendships die out when people reach their late 20s (career, moving elsewhere, kids, marriage) so it might have been inevitable even if you didnt do a startup.

hackits 10y ago

ammmm, if your friendship requires constant hand holding then I would say it would better to lose them faster (early on) because they're not going to be around when you hit the hard times. My definition of a friend is someone you can rely on when things goes to shit eg... Being half way across the country and you've just been robbed and they drive 20 hours to pick you up. Now if they cannot even meet you half way across town because you have a deadline then I will say you don't have a friend.

alpha_squared 10y ago
> My definition of a friend is someone you can rely on when things goes to shit eg... Being half way across the country and you've just been robbed and they drive 20 hours to pick you up. Yes, that's one possible quality in a friend. Another is making time for _their_ shit as well and it doesn't sound like the author did very much of that. It's also nice to make time for friends without having to deal with either yours or their dilemmas and just enjoy each other's company.
- hackits 10y ago
  Agree, _their_ shit may not be important to you but it's important to them that's where within reason you step in to help out where you can. Vanishing at the first sign of problem tells it wasn't really friendship but more college or associate.
- conductr 10y ago
  Agree with the dilemma free part. I've found "adult" friendship works like this. Just hang out catch up have fun. Don't call me when your car breaks down, call a tow truck. I won't ask you to help me move, I'll hire movers. The story of your car breaking down is good stuff. Let's talk about it over beers. However, I say that with a realization that poorer people don't operate this way. They are still very much "it takes a village" and help each other with life's problems. Where I can relate with OP is when talking to these friends I'll say something like "move?! Eff that it's July/hot you just need to hire someone" without realizing they would not consider doing so as it's way too expensive for them. Then I look like a jerk because I would never consider doing manual labor in the heat
  - goblin89 10y ago
    You nailed it down with “adult” vs. “it takes a village”. Seemingly impersonal nature of the former makes me feel sad sometimes, while the latter feels indeed childish.
    - lazaroclapp 10y ago
      As a note, the later is very seldom considered childish in some cultures and some economic backgrounds. I have known people for which the request to their friends is not "will you help me move?" but "will you help me build my house?" (think bricklaying and setting up a tin or wooden roof). They would definitely return the favor, as well.
      - conductr 10y ago
        I think that's very different cases. One is help me I'm in a jam and can't solve my own problems. The other is embarking on a project together. My friend might hate me for not helping out in a jam, but probably won't think much of it if I don't want to help with the project.
        lazaroclapp 10y ago
        Not really. For the people I am talking about, helping with something like that would be absolutely expected from a very close friend (a "compadre" for example, which is a Spanish term for the godfather of your children, would be considered very unreliable if he didn't help with something like that). It would even be considered a bit rude for neighbors not to do so in some neighborhoods (specially if other neighbors helped them with their homes). Admittedly, I am not from those circles and I am not 100% sure about the etiquete, but there are definitely pretty strong rules about what you expect from your close community and viceversa. It is part out of necessity, because we are talking about places with very little economic resources and practically no access to government or banking services.
spangry 10y ago
There's a limit, as I recently discovered. I had very patient, forgiving friends. But they've given up on me, and I can't say I blame them.
vinceguidry 10y ago
I've been that friend, and I have to say, people that have those kinds of problems tend to have them over and over again. Not being that kind of friend cuts those kinds of people out of your life, and that's a net plus.