5 ms·

Been there. As one of the 20-something whose parents didn't help with the rent. Two consequences: - really tough discussions with some friends and acquaintanc

Been there. As one of the 20-something whose parents didn't help with the rent. Two consequences: - really tough discussions with some friends and acquaintances once I realised their parents heavily subsidized their way of life while they were putting the social persona of young working adult being independent and nagging me about when I was going to buy my first car or why I was always the one who made it through the whole night with one glass of beer - really hard to move up in the adequate social circles and no care-free attitude which led to a much harder job hunt, grimmer prospects in relationships (partly cost me the love of my life) and way too much stress to be healthy I don't blame people for being helped though, that's not my point.

grx 10y ago
Why didn't they help?
- Godel_unicode 10y ago
  I'm not sure this is a polite question to ask; the odds of digging up pain seem pretty high.
  - thrwy000 10y ago
    Especially if they help your sibling and not you...
- dehugger 10y ago
  Many parents (mine included) say "if you aren't in school pay your own way". Once you are out of school, regardless if your wage is still barely above minimum, you are on your own.
  - myowncrapulence 10y ago
    Same. I come from middle class parents who could certainly afford to pay my way but chose to make me learn how to stand on my own feet. Certainly strips the world of its sheen when you see how people treat you if you are perceived as poor. Certainly makes you realize who your true friends are.
  - thatfunkymunki 10y ago
    I faced a similar fate- after I didn't finish college, I joined the Air Force and have been 100% financially independent since.
- johnchristopher 10y ago
  Well.. You edited the question before I could see it so now you got me curious :). Feel free to shoot, this is the internet and a semi-anonymous persona.
  - grx 10y ago
    Thanks for your reply, I re-edited it back. I'm just curious if it was a personal decision of your parents or if the circumstances were the reason, sorry if this is too personal!
- rjeli 10y ago
  not OP, but I dropped out of school to come work in the Bay and my parents did not support that
- khedoros1 10y ago
  Since around the time I was 15 or so, my parents told me that they'd pay for 4 years of college (no more than that) and that I'd be paying if I took longer than that to graduate. It was also clear that I'd be welcome to live at (their) home if I needed to, although I'd be expected to find some kind of job and pay rent. I took 2 quarters extra to finish, but also left school with a job lined up. My father especially has always been a "live within your means" guy, and his intention was always that I should choose somewhere to live and work that I could afford on my own.
- jlardinois 10y ago
  I'm surprised no one's yet answered the obvious and common "they can't afford to."
- cmdrfred 10y ago
  My dad is a meth addict who lives with his mother and my mother is an alcoholic who works at a grocery store. Not everyone has that opportunity.
- k-mcgrady 10y ago
  Not OP but same situation. Two reasons: 1. Parents can't afford to help (although that doesn't stop them offering). 2. I don't feel good about it. It's my choice to live in an expensive city - there is no reason at all I can't live somewhere less expensive - so I should be able to do it on my own. This is partly a pride thing but also I just wouldn't feel good taking money from family so that I have the budget to enjoy myself and socialise more. The people I know who have their parents help with rent either have decent paying jobs and want to have a really nice lifestyle (i.e. they really don't need that money) or are students who refuse to get a part time job (no excuse for that particularly when you're on your first or second masters).
- johnchristopher 10y ago
  tldr; Why didn't they help ? Because they didn't and couldn't know how. Well, to make it short (it would take a book to get into the details and the analysis) my parents had their first child for the wrong reasons. That backfired later on when the unresolved conflicts and the toxic relationship between all of us degraded the family's capacity to face challenges in an healthy way and I had to take/was given the black sheep role. A vicious circle of saviour/victim had been in place from an early age and I was too young as a child to escape it (even though they were adults they were too young as well to get around it without outside help which they didn't think they needed at that time). They were 36 when I was 18. Mother divorced biological father when I was 7 and he died some months later in an accident that was covered as a suicide (go figure). So, something was always fishy in how we interacted with each other. Mother remarried a man who was courting her in their high school years. Turns out he was an alcoholic like my father was. Not the stereotyped violent alcoholic. The sad kind, the one we ignore the changes in behaviour and the fact he is lying at 2 in the afternoon on the bathroom floor, haha let's laugh about it. Alcohol wasn't the problem, it's the facade and the make-believe game that everything is alright that is messing up the relationship. The man is okay but totally lacks the ability to express feelings (I won't go into his family situation but it explains some of his behaviour of course). So I was the silent kind about all of it but unexplained anxiety and inadequacy took its toll on the way we built the family (but I was too young to get that and thought I was the one who was malfunctioning) (which I was anyway but it was not completely my fault) and how we/I expressed our/my needs/wants/desires. Of course both me and my brother were told we were `mature for your age`. Which can have the same consequences as those children obliged to take on their parent's emotional responsibilities and play the parents. That's just a very rough picture of the whole thing. My brother suffered from it as well but in a different way (much more closer to them but he messed up his studies nevertheless) (I finished my BS anyway, yada me) (I was the one sent to shrinks of course) (I really dig the role theory in psychology). And then there's the whole taboo thing about money in society in general and in my family in particular. So why didn't they help ? Because they didn't and couldn't know how. And because I couldn't ask them and didn't dare ask them. For example I spent a year eating sugar on bread and ketchup on pasta. Lost a teeth in the process :D Don't do that :). Sorry, it must be even more teasing now than before. That's because these kind of stories takes time to write down in a way that makes sense and english isn't my first language so I can't fiddle too much with nuances. edit: to clarify things: yes they could afford to help. I don't think that once I had my first job they would have helped me money wise on a regular basis but when I was in HS and uni they definitely had the resources to do so.
sverige 10y ago
The people you think you want to hang around with in your 20s can seem really ridiculous when you're in your 40s and 50s, and I say that as someone who ran with some people in my 20s who most here would recognize immediately. Those who achieved these things received almost no parental assistance when we were in our 20s. Many of those who were subsidized have gone on to spectacularly mediocre careers. With regard to the job search, work on reducing stress. That carefree attitude that helps in getting job offers is directly (and sometimes geometrically) proportional to your ability to recognize all of the good things you have at any given moment. Sometimes that includes changing (not lowering) expectations. I say all of this with the caveat that 1) fame and fortune are overrated as human goods, especially by young people; and 2) I am neither famous nor wealthy, but I am exceedingly happy with my life compared to my 20s. I'm now in my 50s and generally successful in curbing my urge to bail out my 28-year-old daughter out of the messes she sometimes makes. Edit: But I have been there a couple of times where it was help her or she ends up on the streets.
- reloop 10y ago
  To keep it polite and short, that's really not how the world works anymore. These days your (at least financial) success in life is very much correlated with the wealth of your parents. If you're from Sweden (as your username would indicate) you can take Stockholm as an example. My non-independent friend (and their parents) there are millionaires from housing appreciation and savings, while my independent friends are are spending all their salaries on renting short lease 3x normal rent sublets.
  - charlesdm 10y ago
    Just because you inherit some capital doesn't mean you are actually able to use it to make more. Actually, most people can't, meaning the only thing they can do is spend it. How pathetic is that? If you count success in life as buying a house with money you were given, great. But that isn't success. I don't even know what that is honestly. The middle class is disappearing. Either you know how to make money (and that's not by working a job) or you don't. If you don't, you'll eventually be replaced by software, or a robot, or your job will be optimised away, or you will have to compete with 50 other people who want the same job because less jobs will be available in the future. The only thing that isn't disappearing is having great ideas. Great ideas, combined with an interest in executing, generally lead to freedom in life and (some) wealth.
ClassyJacket 10y ago
"grimmer prospects in relationships (partly cost me the love of my life) " I'm sorry for that. I can sympathize slightly. Rich people really don't get it. Yeah. Me last week on the way to a strip club: 'Who's paying for this taxi? Are we going far? Do we have to pay to get in?' Fried (girl I ALMOST dated): 'Oh my god you're SO cheap, you're such a killjoy, just stop worrying about the money blah blah blah.' Yeah, I probably should've relaxed and been more sociable. But it's easy for them to say that stuff, when their parents pay for their 400$ a week apartment in the city. Meanwhile my parents in their 60s struggle to figure out how they can ever retire without starving. Plus there's the 3+ hours a day lost to travel and the inconvenience of sharing a house with someone else. I'm not poor, I was born in a first world country and am very lucky. But people whose parents pay for their housing don't get how easy they have it even above people like me. I could start working full time and get a nice apartment close to the city no problem. But then I won't be saving any money, won't be going back to university and doing a PhD, won't be starting my own business, and won't be helping my parents retire. I could continue to work less and try to start my own business, which is what I've chosen. But this way I don't get my apartment in the city and can't blow money on taxis and strip clubs and cocktails all the time. I can't even get my car fixed right now. My housemate is a smart and capable person with a pilot's licence, but after trying to get into a pathway to a good job for years (you need more than just the licence), started working full time in a warehouse to make ends meet. I've seen how he feels after work every day, he's not happy. I don't want to stall my life any longer. I try to remember that at least I'm not starving in Africa, and I don't blame my lack of a girlfriend or better friendships on money. But you can be socially impaired by having to pay rent, and it does suck when those little things happen. Seriously, screw Melbourne house prices and screw the politicians and lazy rich leeches that made it this way.
- charlesdm 10y ago
  Screw working for someone? This personally took me a while realise: the world does not owe you anything. Start making your own way.
  - ClassyJacket 10y ago
    Can you quote the part where I said that? What I said was: "Seriously, screw Melbourne house prices and screw the politicians and lazy rich leeches that made it this way". I think it's pretty clear I'm talking about housing prices being driven up by laws that favour the rich, and landlords who buy up houses, contributing nothing to society.
deleted 10y ago
[deleted]
KurtMueller 10y ago
> really hard to move up in the adequate social circles and no care-free attitude which led to a much harder job hunt, grimmer prospects in relationships (partly cost me the love of my life) and way too much stress to be healthy Seems like s/he's not actually the love of your life if s/he's willing to ditch you because of lack of money.
- johnchristopher 10y ago
  More complicated than that. I held out on some common projects because money was a concern for me. At some point it's straining the relationship and the capacity to project ourselves in the future. Which sucks the life out of the party after some time.
colanderman 10y ago
> I don't blame people for being helped though, that's not my point. One can always refuse help.

grx 10y ago

Why didn't they help?

Godel_unicode 10y ago
I'm not sure this is a polite question to ask; the odds of digging up pain seem pretty high.
- thrwy000 10y ago
  Especially if they help your sibling and not you...
dehugger 10y ago
Many parents (mine included) say "if you aren't in school pay your own way". Once you are out of school, regardless if your wage is still barely above minimum, you are on your own.
- myowncrapulence 10y ago
  Same. I come from middle class parents who could certainly afford to pay my way but chose to make me learn how to stand on my own feet. Certainly strips the world of its sheen when you see how people treat you if you are perceived as poor. Certainly makes you realize who your true friends are.
- thatfunkymunki 10y ago
  I faced a similar fate- after I didn't finish college, I joined the Air Force and have been 100% financially independent since.
johnchristopher 10y ago
Well.. You edited the question before I could see it so now you got me curious :). Feel free to shoot, this is the internet and a semi-anonymous persona.
- grx 10y ago
  Thanks for your reply, I re-edited it back. I'm just curious if it was a personal decision of your parents or if the circumstances were the reason, sorry if this is too personal!
rjeli 10y ago
not OP, but I dropped out of school to come work in the Bay and my parents did not support that
khedoros1 10y ago
Since around the time I was 15 or so, my parents told me that they'd pay for 4 years of college (no more than that) and that I'd be paying if I took longer than that to graduate. It was also clear that I'd be welcome to live at (their) home if I needed to, although I'd be expected to find some kind of job and pay rent. I took 2 quarters extra to finish, but also left school with a job lined up. My father especially has always been a "live within your means" guy, and his intention was always that I should choose somewhere to live and work that I could afford on my own.
jlardinois 10y ago
I'm surprised no one's yet answered the obvious and common "they can't afford to."
cmdrfred 10y ago
My dad is a meth addict who lives with his mother and my mother is an alcoholic who works at a grocery store. Not everyone has that opportunity.
k-mcgrady 10y ago
Not OP but same situation. Two reasons: 1. Parents can't afford to help (although that doesn't stop them offering). 2. I don't feel good about it. It's my choice to live in an expensive city - there is no reason at all I can't live somewhere less expensive - so I should be able to do it on my own. This is partly a pride thing but also I just wouldn't feel good taking money from family so that I have the budget to enjoy myself and socialise more. The people I know who have their parents help with rent either have decent paying jobs and want to have a really nice lifestyle (i.e. they really don't need that money) or are students who refuse to get a part time job (no excuse for that particularly when you're on your first or second masters).
johnchristopher 10y ago
tldr; Why didn't they help ? Because they didn't and couldn't know how. Well, to make it short (it would take a book to get into the details and the analysis) my parents had their first child for the wrong reasons. That backfired later on when the unresolved conflicts and the toxic relationship between all of us degraded the family's capacity to face challenges in an healthy way and I had to take/was given the black sheep role. A vicious circle of saviour/victim had been in place from an early age and I was too young as a child to escape it (even though they were adults they were too young as well to get around it without outside help which they didn't think they needed at that time). They were 36 when I was 18. Mother divorced biological father when I was 7 and he died some months later in an accident that was covered as a suicide (go figure). So, something was always fishy in how we interacted with each other. Mother remarried a man who was courting her in their high school years. Turns out he was an alcoholic like my father was. Not the stereotyped violent alcoholic. The sad kind, the one we ignore the changes in behaviour and the fact he is lying at 2 in the afternoon on the bathroom floor, haha let's laugh about it. Alcohol wasn't the problem, it's the facade and the make-believe game that everything is alright that is messing up the relationship. The man is okay but totally lacks the ability to express feelings (I won't go into his family situation but it explains some of his behaviour of course). So I was the silent kind about all of it but unexplained anxiety and inadequacy took its toll on the way we built the family (but I was too young to get that and thought I was the one who was malfunctioning) (which I was anyway but it was not completely my fault) and how we/I expressed our/my needs/wants/desires. Of course both me and my brother were told we were `mature for your age`. Which can have the same consequences as those children obliged to take on their parent's emotional responsibilities and play the parents. That's just a very rough picture of the whole thing. My brother suffered from it as well but in a different way (much more closer to them but he messed up his studies nevertheless) (I finished my BS anyway, yada me) (I was the one sent to shrinks of course) (I really dig the role theory in psychology). And then there's the whole taboo thing about money in society in general and in my family in particular. So why didn't they help ? Because they didn't and couldn't know how. And because I couldn't ask them and didn't dare ask them. For example I spent a year eating sugar on bread and ketchup on pasta. Lost a teeth in the process :D Don't do that :). Sorry, it must be even more teasing now than before. That's because these kind of stories takes time to write down in a way that makes sense and english isn't my first language so I can't fiddle too much with nuances. edit: to clarify things: yes they could afford to help. I don't think that once I had my first job they would have helped me money wise on a regular basis but when I was in HS and uni they definitely had the resources to do so.

sverige 10y ago

The people you think you want to hang around with in your 20s can seem really ridiculous when you're in your 40s and 50s, and I say that as someone who ran with some people in my 20s who most here would recognize immediately. Those who achieved these things received almost no parental assistance when we were in our 20s. Many of those who were subsidized have gone on to spectacularly mediocre careers. With regard to the job search, work on reducing stress. That carefree attitude that helps in getting job offers is directly (and sometimes geometrically) proportional to your ability to recognize all of the good things you have at any given moment. Sometimes that includes changing (not lowering) expectations. I say all of this with the caveat that 1) fame and fortune are overrated as human goods, especially by young people; and 2) I am neither famous nor wealthy, but I am exceedingly happy with my life compared to my 20s. I'm now in my 50s and generally successful in curbing my urge to bail out my 28-year-old daughter out of the messes she sometimes makes. Edit: But I have been there a couple of times where it was help her or she ends up on the streets.

reloop 10y ago
To keep it polite and short, that's really not how the world works anymore. These days your (at least financial) success in life is very much correlated with the wealth of your parents. If you're from Sweden (as your username would indicate) you can take Stockholm as an example. My non-independent friend (and their parents) there are millionaires from housing appreciation and savings, while my independent friends are are spending all their salaries on renting short lease 3x normal rent sublets.
- charlesdm 10y ago
  Just because you inherit some capital doesn't mean you are actually able to use it to make more. Actually, most people can't, meaning the only thing they can do is spend it. How pathetic is that? If you count success in life as buying a house with money you were given, great. But that isn't success. I don't even know what that is honestly. The middle class is disappearing. Either you know how to make money (and that's not by working a job) or you don't. If you don't, you'll eventually be replaced by software, or a robot, or your job will be optimised away, or you will have to compete with 50 other people who want the same job because less jobs will be available in the future. The only thing that isn't disappearing is having great ideas. Great ideas, combined with an interest in executing, generally lead to freedom in life and (some) wealth.

ClassyJacket 10y ago

"grimmer prospects in relationships (partly cost me the love of my life) " I'm sorry for that. I can sympathize slightly. Rich people really don't get it. Yeah. Me last week on the way to a strip club: 'Who's paying for this taxi? Are we going far? Do we have to pay to get in?' Fried (girl I ALMOST dated): 'Oh my god you're SO cheap, you're such a killjoy, just stop worrying about the money blah blah blah.' Yeah, I probably should've relaxed and been more sociable. But it's easy for them to say that stuff, when their parents pay for their 400$ a week apartment in the city. Meanwhile my parents in their 60s struggle to figure out how they can ever retire without starving. Plus there's the 3+ hours a day lost to travel and the inconvenience of sharing a house with someone else. I'm not poor, I was born in a first world country and am very lucky. But people whose parents pay for their housing don't get how easy they have it even above people like me. I could start working full time and get a nice apartment close to the city no problem. But then I won't be saving any money, won't be going back to university and doing a PhD, won't be starting my own business, and won't be helping my parents retire. I could continue to work less and try to start my own business, which is what I've chosen. But this way I don't get my apartment in the city and can't blow money on taxis and strip clubs and cocktails all the time. I can't even get my car fixed right now. My housemate is a smart and capable person with a pilot's licence, but after trying to get into a pathway to a good job for years (you need more than just the licence), started working full time in a warehouse to make ends meet. I've seen how he feels after work every day, he's not happy. I don't want to stall my life any longer. I try to remember that at least I'm not starving in Africa, and I don't blame my lack of a girlfriend or better friendships on money. But you can be socially impaired by having to pay rent, and it does suck when those little things happen. Seriously, screw Melbourne house prices and screw the politicians and lazy rich leeches that made it this way.

charlesdm 10y ago
Screw working for someone? This personally took me a while realise: the world does not owe you anything. Start making your own way.
- ClassyJacket 10y ago
  Can you quote the part where I said that? What I said was: "Seriously, screw Melbourne house prices and screw the politicians and lazy rich leeches that made it this way". I think it's pretty clear I'm talking about housing prices being driven up by laws that favour the rich, and landlords who buy up houses, contributing nothing to society.

deleted 10y ago

[deleted]

KurtMueller 10y ago

> really hard to move up in the adequate social circles and no care-free attitude which led to a much harder job hunt, grimmer prospects in relationships (partly cost me the love of my life) and way too much stress to be healthy Seems like s/he's not actually the love of your life if s/he's willing to ditch you because of lack of money.

johnchristopher 10y ago
More complicated than that. I held out on some common projects because money was a concern for me. At some point it's straining the relationship and the capacity to project ourselves in the future. Which sucks the life out of the party after some time.

colanderman 10y ago

> I don't blame people for being helped though, that's not my point. One can always refuse help.