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OK, I need to add my favorite Russian joke here: A German and a Russian die. Neither has been the best person in their life, so they get sent down there. When
by mlillie 10y ago
OK, I need to add my favorite Russian joke here:
A German and a Russian die. Neither has been the best person in their life, so they get sent down there. When they arrive in hell, the devil says, "Well, especially bad people have been dying lately, and we're all full up. I can only accept one of you, the other will go to purgatory and get a chance at redemption."
He proposes a simple test of their human decency: Each man is given a dog, a huge crate of sausages and one month to teach the dog a trick.
One month later, the devil returns to the German, who has clearly bonded with his now-plump dog. "Alright, let's see what you've got!" the devil says. The German plucks out a sausage and proceeds to wiggle it in the air. The dog, perfectly balanced on its hind legs, does an acrobatic pirouette. "Wow!" says satan. "Impressive!"
He walks over to the Russian his dog, whose relationship seems strained. The dog looks like a wild animal, but the Russian seems satisfied enough. "OK, show us your trick," the devil says. The Russian plucks out a sausage and proceeds to wiggle it in the air. The dog, wide-eyed, says "Please, Vanya, just one sausage!"
- sAbakumoff 10y agoThat's not even a joke. Take a look at this huge list of dogs that Soviet Union sent to the outer space :) https://ru.wikipedia.org/wiki/%D0%A1%D0%BE%D0%B1%D0%B0%D0%BA%D0%B8_%D0%B2_%D0%BA%D0%BE%D1%81%D0%BC%D0%BE%D1%81%D0%B5 https://ru.wikipedia.org/wiki/%D0%A1%D0%BE%D0%B1%D0%B0%D0%BA...
- pandaman 10y agoThere is also a joke about this. Since the spaceship was technically a military vessel there had to be an officer on board during the mission so a Red Army Colonel had been sent in the same mission with Belka and Strelka (the dogs). As it gets into the orbit a radio communication is established with the Flight Control Center. Center: Belka, come in! Belka: woof Center: Transmit the navigation data, over. Belka: woof, woof! [The data transmission completes] Center: Strelka, come in! Strelka: woof Center: You need to fire engine #3 for 5 seconds to correct course, over. Strelka: woof, woof! [The observation detects engine firing] Center: Comrade Colonel, come in. Colonel: Woof! Center: Don't "woof" at me, feed the dogs and don't touch anything there, over.
- eps 10y agoExcept, of course, it wasn't a colonel, but a Chukcha. https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Russian_jokes#Chukchi https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Russian_jokes#Chukchi
- pandaman 10y agoIt is almost the same and easier to understand for non-Russians.
- sAbakumoff 10y agoI think that a Chukchi could be more intelligent than USSR army colonel :)
- kartD 10y agoI don't get it, could you explain it please?
- andrei_says_ 10y agoIt's a joke on scarcity of food etc. No (availability of) shit to eat on most days > he doesn't have to eat shit. On other days shit is available but no shovels are available > he doesn't have to eat shit because there's no shovel to measure it/eat it with. He knew this would happen because in Russia the food stores were more often than not empty and tools would be often "misplaced"/stolen.
- desdiv 10y agoHe's asking about the training dog joke, not the American hell vs Russian hell joke.
- andrei_says_ 10y agoThank you.
- andrei_says_ 10y agoThe Russian guy never gave his dog anything. And yet, his methods were so tough and efficient that he taught the dog to speak and beg in human language. Could also contain a nod to the patience and unending hope of the Russians under their "stingy" government but that's likely too deep and contradicting their infinite cynicism and complete lack of faith ;)
- kartD 10y agooh haha, that's a good one!
- trhway 10y ago>methods were so tough and efficient ... >infinite cynicism and complete lack of faith yes, the joke is basically stating that as these methods can make a dog speak then any lesser task like forcing any human to do anything what the government wants can be easily accomplished by these methods, ie. resistance is futile.
- Tloewald 10y agoMy favorite is along similar lines: A Russian and an American bond in the afterlife while waiting to find out where they are headed. Eventually Satan shows up and says, "bad news, you both are going to hell, but you can choose Russian hell or American hell." "What's the difference?" they ask. 'Well, says Satan. 'In American hell you have to eat a shovel load of shit once per day. The rest of your time is your own. In Russian hell you have to eat two shovel loads of shit, and the rest of your time is your own." "That seems easy," says the American, "I choose American hell." And in a flash he is gone. Years later, he finds a gap in the wall dividing the two hells and is able to talk to his Russian friend. 'Why on earth did you pick Russian hell? American hell is just great. We eat our shovel load of shit each day and then we're free to do what we want." "Comrade," replies the Russian, "in Russian hell, most days there is no shit to eat, and when there is, there is no shovel."
- pandaman 10y agoI know a different angle of this one. Reagan visits the USSR and is amazed by the capital construction he has seen. Reagan: "How do you manage to build structures like this? Your logistics is shit, you have no technology and people are apathetic." Gorbachev: "Soviet people built it all with great enthusiasm and while singing songs". Reagan: "Bullshit, it's impossible to motivate people like this in your system. You don't even pay them money!" Gorbachev: "On the contrary, my friend. It's impossible to motivate people like this in your system. I will prove it to you. Take a cat and motivate it to eat a jar of mustard (Russian mustard is spicy), I will wait." Reagan's aides spend whole day trying to make the cat eat mustard. They try hiding it in other foods, forcing it to eat, talking to it but the cat just refuses. Reagan: "Well, it appears to be impossible to make the damn cat eat this mustard. I doubt you can do it though". Gorbachev orders his aide and he puts a handful of mustard under the cat's tail. The cat starts wailing and desperately licking the mustard off his balls. Gorbachev: "Like I said, with great enthusiasm and singing a song".
- 13of40 10y agoAn eagle, tired from a long flight, lands in a tree. It looks around and is startled to see a cow is in the tree as well. "What are you doing in this tree?" says the eagle. "Well, I came up here to eat apples," replies the cow. "But this is a pine tree." "Ah, you see, I brought my own." (Lady who told me that was from Kamchatka.)
- mladenkovacevic 10y agoThis one has that sublime absurdist quality so characteristic of eastern europe but it keeps you thinking and translating the characters and concepts into real world situations. Love it.
- Xdafjgneoiwe 10y agoCould you explain the joke?
- sAbakumoff 10y agoTrue story. Russian guy's name is Ivan Pavlov.
- ptaipale 10y agoI guess that was /s. FWIW, I recently met someone whose father was a dog-tender for Pavlov. The father was condemned based on Article 58 of the 1934 Soviet penal code (section for "Contacts Leading to Suspicion of Espionage", i.e. he had relatives in Finland) and was for some time in camps and after that, not allowed to keep any good job. A dog-tender was an allowed job; Pavlov was a very nice old man who treated his workers well. Pavlov died then before the war and the family then took a longish tour of the Gulag.
- sAbakumoff 10y agoYeah, I admit that referencing the great scientist I. Pavlov could be inappropriate in that context. It's just the punching line "Please, Vanya, just one sausage!" suggested this terrible joke and I couldn't have resisted.
- nf05papsjfVbc 10y agoEr... could someone please explain this one to me. I don't understand the joke.
- SiVal 10y agoThe German got the dog to do tricks by rewarding it; the Russian got it to do a much harder trick (talking) by cruel punishment (starvation)