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CIA Declassified Coldwar Russian Jokes [pdf]
- jbuzbee 10y agoIf collecting jokes tells you what the "common man" is thinking, the Russian intelligence agencies must be having a field-day with the current situation in the US...
- johnhenry 10y agoContext?
- nawtacawp 10y agoA man is drinking...
- CamMacFarlane 10y agoBest cold war "joke": https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/0/01/ReaganBeginsBombingRussia.ogg https://upload.wikimedia.org/wikipedia/commons/0/01/ReaganBe... Found from searching for more like OPs
- quirkafleeg 10y agoThe Soviet "joke" in response: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bN5wL1nw7XA https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=bN5wL1nw7XA
- partiallypro 10y ago"One official speculated, the Russian might have been drunk." Solid bet.
- phs318u 10y agoSay what you will about the current political situation in the US, Donald Trump has been an absolute gift to comedians. http://politicalhumor.about.com/od/Donald-Trump/ss/Best-Donald-Trump-Jokes.htm#showall http://politicalhumor.about.com/od/Donald-Trump/ss/Best-Dona... And in the interests of "balance": http://jokes4us.com/celebrityjokes/barackobamajokes.html http://jokes4us.com/celebrityjokes/barackobamajokes.html
- mixedCase 10y agoReading both links I have no doubt that both Democrats and Republicans wasted all their good jokes on their political platforms.
- deleted 10y ago[deleted]
- hprotagonist 10y agoRegan was actually not bad at telling soviet jokes. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mN3z3eSVG7A https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=mN3z3eSVG7A
- handedness 10y agoPerhaps he should have tried his hand at acting.
- hprotagonist 10y agohttps://youtu.be/78tTKTkz778?t=1h4m3s https://youtu.be/78tTKTkz778?t=1h4m3s the monkey was alright, man. I always liked the ones with the monkey.
- throw_away 10y agohttps://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wgSSRE27GQ0 https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=wgSSRE27GQ0
- quirkafleeg 10y agohttps://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=13586256 https://news.ycombinator.com/item?id=13586256 There aren't that many comments to read (<20) before posting.
- throw_away 10y agoNot everyone has an .ogg decoder to know what that link was pointing at. From my perspective it looked like a broken link to some jokes.
- kafkaesq 10y agoYou know, if you were actually living through that era his sense of "humor" (combined with the suspicion, then widely assumed among leftist, now since medically substantiated) that he was most likely suffering from some form of early-onset dementia -- well, it got old real fast: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/We_begin_bombing_in_five_minutes https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/We_begin_bombing_in_five_minut...
- leephillips 10y agoThese jokes aren't bad. What is the story? Are these genuine Russian jokes, or jokes inserted there by the CIA?
- CamMacFarlane 10y agoSeems like the latter
- my_first_acct 10y agoYou are greatly underestimating the Russians' gift for political humor.
- PeterisP 10y agoAt least a few of them were actually used at least in early nineties in (ex)USSR.
- sampo 10y agoJust google 'Soviet jokes', there are tons of similar jokes around.
- cpfohl 10y agoI lived in Poland for a while. I've heard at least one of these from people who lived there before solidarity.
- viraptor 10y agoMy parents always said that bad politics creates the best comedy. There's a lot of comedy shows filmed in socialist Poland and they're amazing. Both really clever and funny. Even though they had to be reviewed by censors first, the things that got through were still very much about politics. Some so pointed, I still don't know if the censors were too lazy to read the script, or ignored the rules...
- cpfohl 10y ago
- JonRB 10y agoMy understanding is that DDCI stands for 'Deputy Director of Central Intelligence' - What would this document have been for?
- datapolitical 10y agoSpeeches
- known 10y agoSounds like https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sardarji_joke https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Sardarji_joke
- sAbakumoff 10y agoWow, the joke that ends up with "I can stand in front of Kremlin and yell To Hell With Ronald Reigan too" is the famous one. One can even find the references to it nowadays in Russian blogs. CIA is good!
- ommunist 10y agoAbakumoff was a top KGB general, did you know that?
- sAbakumoff 10y agoYes of course. One of the most frightening moments of my life was when a colonel in the Military Commissariat glanced at my dossier and said "Abakumoff? You are SO going to serve!"
- mlillie 10y agoOK, I need to add my favorite Russian joke here: A German and a Russian die. Neither has been the best person in their life, so they get sent down there. When they arrive in hell, the devil says, "Well, especially bad people have been dying lately, and we're all full up. I can only accept one of you, the other will go to purgatory and get a chance at redemption." He proposes a simple test of their human decency: Each man is given a dog, a huge crate of sausages and one month to teach the dog a trick. One month later, the devil returns to the German, who has clearly bonded with his now-plump dog. "Alright, let's see what you've got!" the devil says. The German plucks out a sausage and proceeds to wiggle it in the air. The dog, perfectly balanced on its hind legs, does an acrobatic pirouette. "Wow!" says satan. "Impressive!" He walks over to the Russian his dog, whose relationship seems strained. The dog looks like a wild animal, but the Russian seems satisfied enough. "OK, show us your trick," the devil says. The Russian plucks out a sausage and proceeds to wiggle it in the air. The dog, wide-eyed, says "Please, Vanya, just one sausage!"
- sAbakumoff 10y agoThat's not even a joke. Take a look at this huge list of dogs that Soviet Union sent to the outer space :) https://ru.wikipedia.org/wiki/%D0%A1%D0%BE%D0%B1%D0%B0%D0%BA%D0%B8_%D0%B2_%D0%BA%D0%BE%D1%81%D0%BC%D0%BE%D1%81%D0%B5 https://ru.wikipedia.org/wiki/%D0%A1%D0%BE%D0%B1%D0%B0%D0%BA...
- pandaman 10y agoThere is also a joke about this. Since the spaceship was technically a military vessel there had to be an officer on board during the mission so a Red Army Colonel had been sent in the same mission with Belka and Strelka (the dogs). As it gets into the orbit a radio communication is established with the Flight Control Center. Center: Belka, come in! Belka: woof Center: Transmit the navigation data, over. Belka: woof, woof! [The data transmission completes] Center: Strelka, come in! Strelka: woof Center: You need to fire engine #3 for 5 seconds to correct course, over. Strelka: woof, woof! [The observation detects engine firing] Center: Comrade Colonel, come in. Colonel: Woof! Center: Don't "woof" at me, feed the dogs and don't touch anything there, over.
- deleted 10y ago[deleted]
- gozur88 10y agoSome of these seem more like jokes the CIA would have liked to have Russians tell each other more than jokes they actually told each other.
- nottorp 10y ago- Most jokes are plausible, and pretty good. - If you believe the CIA had anything to do with this document, I have a bridge in San Francisco I'd like to sell you...
- atemerev 10y agoI am Russian, and I confirm that all these (and countless others) are real.
- lisivka 10y agoWe knew thousands of jokes like these back then.
- sashk 10y agoNope, those are actual jokes we were laughing to back then, there.
- ChuckMcM 10y agoI like this one: An American tells a Russian that the United States is so free he can stand in front of the White House and yell, "To hell with Ronald Regan." The Russian replies, "That's nothing. I can stand in front of the Kremlin and yell, 'To hell with Ronald Regan,' too."
- desdiv 10y agoI like how Ronald Reagan delivers this joke: https://youtu.be/mN3z3eSVG7A?t=131 https://youtu.be/mN3z3eSVG7A?t=131
- sundvor 10y agoWhat a great find. Linked from that video, a great one on ageism in politics: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z97_qDsrqgU https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Z97_qDsrqgU Reagan surely knew to carry himself in a presidential manner.
- nikcub 10y agoCrazy to think that today almost every candidate was older than what Reagan was then. Clinton was only 6 months younger.
- Florin_Andrei 10y ago> Reagan surely knew to carry himself in a presidential manner. He was a good actor.
- sundvor 10y ago> He was a good actor. At least he wasn't a megalomaniac.
- Florin_Andrei 10y ago> At least he wasn't a megalomaniac. Well, most Donald Trump supporters would take offense upon hearing how you characterize their idol. But since most of them are unlikely to be lurking round these parts, I guess that's okay.
- deleted 10y ago[deleted]
- kchoudhu 10y agoCold War humor was an odd beast. I came across this book in my father's collection a while back: http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/3536429-no-laughing-matter http://www.goodreads.com/book/show/3536429-no-laughing-matte... It's a hoot.
- andrei_says_ 10y agoMakes me wonder, what jokes is the CIA not declassifying? Yes, this is a call for more Russian jokes.
- grzm 10y agoMight be an opportunity for you to file your first FOIA request!
- ZainRiz 10y agoHope he has a fax machine
- sverige 10y agoBrezhnev wakes up and looks out at the rising sun. He says, "Good morning, Comrade Sun!" The sun replies, "Good morning, Comrade Brezhnev!" At noon, Brezhnev stands on a balcony at the Kremlin and looks up. "Hello, Comrade Sun! It's a fine day!" The sun replies, "Hello, Comrade Brezhnev! Yes, it's a fine day!" Just before sunset, Brezhnev looks out and says, "Good evening, Comrade Sun!" The sun replies, "Screw you! I'm in the West now!"
- andrei_says_ 10y agoNice :)
- sverige 10y agoRemembered another I learned from a Russian. A man and his wife live in Siberia. Every day she nags him about his drinking and his terrible friends and how he never helps her around the house. It always ends with her yelling at him to go out and bring in some wood for the stove. One day after the usual fight, the man gets to the woodpile and just keeps walking. Twenty years later, he returns. He walks into the kitchen, sees his wife, and says, "I'm home!" "Where's the wood?" she yells.
- 10y ago
- guard-of-terra 10y agoMost of those aren't particularily funny. Compare with the good selection from Wikipedia: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Russian_jokes https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Russian_jokes
- DenisM 10y agoRussians have a user-generated site that contains every single Russian joke that there was: http://anekdot.ru http://anekdot.ru The site has been up since mid-nineties, iirc.
- te_platt 10y agoSo I had the page translated to English. I think the jokes might be funnier in Russian. Still there is something funny in knowing there is a joke in there ... somewhere.
- DenisM 10y agoThey aren't all funny, that's the point. Users submit jokes, then they get voted on, in several rounds, then best ones bubble up to the top.
- hadfgdasf 10y agoHere's one that seems to survive, with a little bit of humor intact: Most of the women claims that there is nothing more painful birth! But what hit the balls ?! After the woman said for some time: "Why not give birth to another baby ?!" Have you ever met the guy who says, "Well, embedding-ka me in the balls still a time ?!" Orig: Большинство женщин утверждает, что нет ничего больнее родов! А как же удар по яйцам?! Спустя какое-то время женщина говорит: "А почему бы не родить еще одного ребенка?!" Вы когда-либо встречали мужика, который скажет: "А ну, врежь-ка мне по яйцам еще разочек?!"
- sologoub 10y agoMy stab at translating: Most women say that there is nothing as painful as giving birth! But what about a kick in the balls?! After awhile, a woman may say: "Why don't we have another baby?" But have you ever heard a man say: "Alright, why don't you kick me in the balls on more time?!" Honestly, this sounds pretty stupid in both Russian and English...
- qrybam 10y agoWill try to retain some of the original colour: "Most women insist there is nothing more painful than childbirth... but what about being kicked in the nuts?! So a wife asks her husband: what do you say, why not have another child? (ed: the direct translation is - why not give birth to another child) The husband responds: ah well, why not kick me in the nuts one more time?"
- nborwankar 10y agoLong line outside the general store in Moscow. Manager comes out and addresses the crowd "Comrades I have good news and bad news. Bad news we have no more toilet paper. Good news we have no food either"
- jumasheff 10y agoWhy on Earth these jokes had been classified?
- jmnicolas 10y agoBecause spies are paranoid and rather classify everything than inadvertently let something important out.
- RobertoG 10y agoOkay, the, why they collected them?
- Declanomous 10y agoJokes are subversive.
- qbrass 10y agoYou know better than to blab about X's secret plans, but if you repeat the joke you heard in the same message, you still revealed that you know about them.
- zokat 10y agoI like this one: Russian engineer got fed up of having all responsibility and low salary, so he moves to another city and pretends to be an ordinary worker, same salary and peace of mind. However, not long after communist party sends him to evening classes. On his first day there at maths class he was asked about circle circumference formula, but for some reason he could not remember it off hand, so he goes on blackboard and tries to work it out with linear integral. After exhausting whole blackboard he finally gets the result: -2RPi Then all of the sudden he hears all of the class whispering to him: "Change the direction of integration!"
- foota 10y agoI feel stupid asking, but what's the joke? I get that flipping the direction of integration would negate the result.
- koliber 10y agoThe joke is that the entire class was made up of brilliant engineers who acted dumb and were sent to a basic math class for educating.
- foota 10y agoThat is funny, thank you.
- Singletoned 10y agoAnd that is the funniest thing I've read for a long time.
- celticninja 10y agoBots appear to be getting much better :)
- gambiting 10y agoHeh, we had the exact same joke when I was growing up in Poland. It's a hidden critique of the system,which is a best kind of joke.
- guscost 10y agoA bit different but here's my favorite European joke: An Italian politician invites his Greek politician friend over for a visit. The Greek pulls up in front of an elegant manor house and is welcomed by the staff. He walks in through a foyer with marble floors and a huge marble staircase with ornamental banisters and a crystal chandelier. They walk through to a lovely veranda overlooking the river, and sit down to eat. The Greek is very impressed with everything and asks "How did you manage to get this place?" The Italian points to a shoddy concrete bridge over the river and says "See that bridge over there? It was supposed to be a steel suspension bridge, but we found a lower bidder to build that one instead, and with all the extra money I was able to buy this!" The Greek compliments his friend on the house, they finish a delicious meal while talking about various politics, and the next day they part ways. Several months later the Greek invites the Italian over. The Italian arrives at an enormous estate with a marble facade. He walks in to see an even bigger staircase, and a banister and chandelier that are trimmed in 24 karat gold! They sit down for a meal on a huge terrace with a staggering view of the harbor. The Italian is completely blown away, so he asks his friend "How on earth did you afford this place? It's fantastic!" The Greek says "Well, see that bridge over there?" The Italian says "What bridge?"
- Pamar 10y agoFor what is worth, essentially the same joke appears in The Hungarian Tiger by Tibor Fischer (a short book about how Viktor Orbán became Hungary PM, and why this is - all in all - a positive thing). I do not know if this joke was originated in Hungary, but I am Italian and I am pretty sure it's not an Italian joke.
- 10y ago
- GigabyteCoin 10y agoI understood every single joke on that list except this one: >A man goes into a shop and asks "You don't have any meat?". "No," replies the sales lady. "We don't have any fish. It's the store across the street that doesn't have any meat." I just don't get it at all... is it just a bad joke? I understand that stores ran out of products in that situation, but if you just had to walk across to street to get what you were after, that doesn't really seem like a joke at the expense of the communist government.
- llukas 10y agoYou would if you lived in a country where merchandise was available infrequently. Stores often were empty of any wares - so fish store is empty of fish and meat store is empty of meat. ;)
- eschutte2 10y agoThanks. "No, this is the empty fish shop. The empty meat shop is across the street."
- koliber 10y agoRight on. There is another level of nuance in the joke though. You need to have had spent some time in a Eastern European country. Everyone is a stickler for rules, details, and knowing the "correct" answer, even if in practice, in a given situation, it makes no difference at all. This joke brings out that quality very nicely.
- lisivka 10y agoAll shops were named "Shop" or "Gastronome", so come in, look around at merchandise and then understand what kind of shop it is, which was hard to do when no merchandise was left at all.
- codedokode 10y agoThere also must be a play on words in original (untranslated) joke. "You don't have any meat?" in russian can be understood as "Do you have any meat?" and as "Is it your shop that has no meat?".
- nabla9 10y agoThis is the best Russian joke/story I have heard, it's not political: During the conversation among the newly found friends one of the teachers (lets call him Dmitriy Petrovich) mentiones that it is a medical fact, that it is impossible to take a light bulb out of ones mouth once it was inserted there. This meets active disbelief of his two opponents who start questioning him as to what kind of light bulb he means and how come you cannot take it out, if you can put it in. Dmitriy Petrovich replies, that he is talking about a standard 100 Watt light balbs such as the one lighting their room, but lacking medical education he doesn't know the reason for not being able to remove it. Discussion heats up, and at some point one of his opponents desides that an experiment is necessary. Mind you, that all of the teachers in the room are PhDs in various fields of exact science. Obviously not one of them is a medic. The light bulb is then removed and the most loud opponent (lets call him Vladimir) puts it into his mouth. In a few seconds it becomes clear that Dmitriy Petrovich was right, and it is quite impossible for Vladimir to remove the light balb due to peculiar clenching of jaw muscles. After a short discussion the three friends decide to get Vladmir to a doctor. They get out of the hotel, and stop a cab. They drive to the hospital where they have to relate the story of the accident to the night nurse, who, after almost choking herself with giggles, calls the ER doctor. The doctor carefully examines Vladimir, and unexpectedly hits him with his fist in the back of the jaw. Vladimirs jaw falls open and the doctor returns the light bulb to Dmitriy Petrovich, explaining that Vladimir is not going to be able to use his mouth for a couple of hours due to the over stressed jaw muscles. The three teachers get back into a cab and start driving home, when the third teacher starts complaining that the other two are playing him for a fool, that this is medicaly impossible for such phenomenon to exist and that he is about to prove it. He puts the light bulb into his mouth, the cab makes a U-turn and speeds back to the hospital. At the hospital, the nurse starts giggling when the three men enter the emergency room, and after hearing their new story falls of her chair laughing. After a little while she calls the surgeon, who chuckles, hits the 3rd teacher in the back of the jaw and removes the light balb. The cab has left, so the three friends catch another one. Dmitriy Petrovich gets noto the front seat and puts his mute friends with their jaws hanging open in the back. Cab driver is mildly surprised by the unusual company of an obviously drunk giggling man and two others looking ilke village idiots, and asks about it. Dmitriy Petrovich asures teh driver that the other two are not idiots, but most educated people and the problem is their small argument about a light balb. After carefully listening to the whole story the driver asks what kind of light bulb is he talking about, and Dmitriy shows the hotel light bulb saying "this one". "Impossible" says the cab driver and in a few seconds the cab turns around and goes to the hospital. When the nurse sees these guys the 3rd time inside 2 hours, she starts having rather serious breathing difficulties trying to laugh much harder then mother nature designed. After getting her in shape Dmitriy Petrovich makes her call the surgeon who, promptly hitting the cab driver in the jaw takes the light bulb and smashes it on the table saying that this should put an end to the story. The four men get back into the cab and drive to the hotel. On the way they are stopped by the road patrol police unit. The policeman (militianer) is very surprized to find that the only person able to speak in a car full of people is a rather drunk man who tells him a wierd story about light balbs. "I will be right back" replies the policeman, goes back to the road side station, Dmitriy and companions whatch the ligh go off inside the station, and in a few seconds the policeman appears again. Using gestures he asks people on the back seat to move over. A metal end of a light bulb is sticking out of his mouth. The cab goes back to the hospital. The nurse becomes hysterical with joy. After a few minutes of recuperation she goes to the cabinet of the surgeon to call him. She opens the door and falls to the floor unconscious. In the doorway appears the surgeon with his jaw hanging wide open. see also: http://diaryru.com/blog/funrussia/man-light-bulb-his-mouth http://diaryru.com/blog/funrussia/man-light-bulb-his-mouth http://englishrussia.com/2011/08/23/how-to-get-a-light-bulb-out-of-the-mouth/ http://englishrussia.com/2011/08/23/how-to-get-a-light-bulb-...
- RalphJr45 10y agoIf anyone is interested, a book titled Hammer And Tickle: A History Of Communism Told Through Communist Jokes by Ben Lewis has a few gems in: An inspector is at a factory conducting an inspection. He addresses one worker: 'What are you doing here?' 'Nothing.' 'And what do you do here?' he asks another. 'Nothing.' He writes in his report: 'The second worker may be released for unnecessary duplication.'
- kamyarg 10y agoHere is my favorite one: The KGB, the FBI and the CIA are all trying to prove that they are the best at catching criminals. The Secretary General of the UN decides to give them a test. He releases a rabbit into a forest and each of them has to catch it. The CIA goes in. They place animal informants throughout the forest. They question all plant and mineral witnesses. After three months of extensive investigations they conclude that the rabbit does not exist. The FBI goes in. After two weeks with no leads they burn the forest, killing everything in it, including the rabbit, and make no apologies: the rabbit had it coming. The KGB goes in. They come out two hours later with a badly beaten bear. The bear is yelling: “Okay! Okay! I’m a rabbit! I’m a rabbit!”
- deleted 10y ago[deleted]
- emiliobumachar 10y agoGood one. But it would be better with a cat instead of a rabbit, so the bear will just yell: -Meow, meow meow!
- sAbakumoff 10y agoAnother version is about a time when KGB agents were asked to help with identification of a ancient mummy and they made him to admit that he is Ramesses II.
- jayd16 10y agohttp://imgur.com/gallery/5koAv3H http://imgur.com/gallery/5koAv3H
- elaus 10y agoI like that kind of joke that is on both side's cost – not only the punchline about the KGB is funny but also the parts about the FBI and CIA play with the respective stereotypes in a funny way.
- krylon 10y agoI knew a variant of that joke from Eastern Germany, where the police, the military and the Stasi (GDR intelligence service) went hunting, but I like this version even better. ;-)
- JensRantil 10y agoI guess those jokes got old..
- deleted 10y ago[deleted]
- rbanffy 10y agoMy mom leaked many of these secret jokes to me when I was a kid.
- pgtan 10y agohere is a bulgarian one: electricity and water meet in a typical socialist apartment building. Sorry, I'm here only up to the second floor, says the water. No need to excuse, says the electricity, I'm here only for two hours.
- cm2187 10y agoA lottery at the French communist party's fair (fete de l'humanite). The first prize is a week of holidays in Moscow. The second prize is two weeks in Moscow, the third three weeks... --- A European tourist discuses with a Cuban local. - How is life under Fidel Castro? - I can't complain - Interesting, so not that bad - Well, I really cannot complain --- Alexander the Great, Caesar and Napoleon are watching a Soviet military parade: - If only I had soviet tanks, said Alexander, I would have been invincible - If only I had soviet planes I would have conquered the whole world says Caesar - If only I had the Pravda, no one would ever have heard about Waterloo says Napoleon --- A young officer waits in front of Stalin's office for his audience. The door slams open and Marechal Joukov, furious, leaves the office grumbling "cockroach with a moustache". Introduced to Stalin, the young officer says it is his duty to report what he heard. Stalin calls back Joukov and asks him "what did you mean by cockroach with a moustache?". Joukov: "I was refering to Hitler of course". Stalin then turns to the officer: "who did you think he was referring to?" --- A discussion at the goulag: - what are you here for? - for being lazy - how is that? - we had a few drinks with some friends then we started telling each others political jokes. I went home and before going to sleep, I thought I should report what happened to the KGB first thing in the morning. Well, my friends went to the KGB that same evening. --- Why are there always 3 miliciens? One who can read, one who can write, and another to watch these dangerous intellectuals. --- East German joke: why does toilet paper always have a double sheet? Because one copy always must be sent to Moscow. --- Do you prefer socialist or capitalist hell? Socialist of course, either they run out of matches, or there is a fuel shortage, or the devils are away at a party meeting. --- Tito asks his chauffeur to stop the car to discuss with a peasant on the side of the road. - where are you going, asks Tito - just shopping, I will buy a few suits, several pairs of shoes and a new car. And my wife asked me to bring a few other things back: a fridge, a washing machine and a new TV - you must be very wealthy - I am, this is the socialist miracle - that's right, and you know who I am? You owe all that to me! - oh, you are comrade Tito? I am sorry I didn't recognize you. With this big car I thought you were an american journalist
- atemerev 10y agoBack in USSR, everyone thought that it is KGB who tracks these jokes and those who spread them. Who knew it was CIA all the time? :)
- ksrm 10y agoThere's a great one at the start of Slavoj Zizek's Welcome to the Desert of the Real: In an old joke from the defunct German Democratic Republic, a German worker gets a job in Siberia; aware of how all mail will be read by censors, he tells his friends: “Let’s establish a code: if a letter you will get from me is written in ordinary blue ink, it is true; if it is written in red ink, it is false.” After a month, his friends get the first letter, written in blue ink: “Everything is wonderful here: stores are full, food is abundant, apartments are large and properly heated, movie theaters show films from the West, there are many beautiful girls ready for an affair—the only thing you can't get is red ink.”
- 67726e 10y agoIf we're telling DDR jokes, I always loved the joke from Das Leben der Anderen[0]: Honecker walks into his office, looks out the window and says "Good morning, dear sun!" and the sun replies "Good morning Erich!" At lunch Honecker walks to the window and says "Good afternoon, dear sun!", and the sun replies "Good afternoon Erich!" Finally, at the end of the day Honecker walks to his window and says "Good evening, dear sun!". But the sun doesn't say anything, so he says once more "Good evening, dear sun! Is something wrong?". The sun finally replies, "Kiss my ass I'm in the west now!" [0] - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q8vDQaAYaQg https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q8vDQaAYaQg
- ommunist 10y agoYes, the USSR was so secret, that it took decades for CIA to declassify its mortally dangerous jokes. However, the "war of jokes" was integral part of the Cold War and do not underestimate one. There is terrific Russian novel about this battle, it took off in the late 60-ies. Very important to know that a class of jokes about Russian Civil War heroes, Petyka and Vassily Ivanovich Chapaev was a viral campaign set off by the KGB to combat US/British jokes designed for Russians. I like this one. "Can you drink a glass of vodka, Vassily Ivanovich?", asks Petyka. "Sure thing", boss answers. "How about two?" "No problem!" "And how about a full bucket of vodka?" "You know, it is only Vladimir Ilyich Lenin, who is capable to drink the full bucket of vodka!"
- simonh 10y agoThe Mayor of Moscow is getting ready to take his wife to the Ballet. “Why have you not put on your dress?” “But darling, I don’t have any dresses good enough for the ballet.” replies his wife. “Nonsense” the Mayor declares, opening the cupboard. “There’s this blue dress, this green dress, hello comrade Dzerzhinsky, and this lovely white dress.” https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Felix_Dzerzhinsky#Director_of_Cheka https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Felix_Dzerzhinsky#Director_of_...
- lb1lf 10y agoThree men meet in a GULag camp, and conversation turns to why they are there. "I got twelve years hard labour for speaking out against Gennady Karasov", says the first. "That's funny, I got twelve years hard labour for supporting Gennady Karasov!" says the second. Attention turns to the last man. "I am Gennady Karasov". ----- Three men have to share a hotel room in Chelyabinsk during a congress. Naturally, in the evening, they start drinking. One thing leads to another, and they find themselves telling political jokes. Concerns that any of the others may be KGB informants or that the room may be bugged are readily dissolved in alcohol. Everybody is having a great time. One is tired and really feels like sleeping; he decides to pull a joke on the others. He excuses himself, runs to the lobby and gives the receptionist a few bills. "Please send someone to my room with a bottle of vodka, some rye bread and salt in ten minutes." He then returns to the room. After a few minutes, he notes to the others that stocks of refreshments are running low. "Not to worry, comrades! I have good contacts." He leans over towards the potted plant in the corner, grabs it and loudly says, as if speaking into a microphone: "Comrades at the listening post, this is lieutenant Dyatlov! We urgently require a bottle of vodka, some rye bread and salt to our room! Make haste!" The others laugh their asses off - until a minute later, there's a knock on the door and vodka, salt and rye bread is served. You could hear a pin drop. Our man goes to sleep, enjoying the quiet. When he wakes up in the morning, the others are gone. A note is left on the table. "Comrade! A couple of your jokes yesterday would easily get you to Siberia! (The one about Stalin's maid, while hysterical, could get you in front of a firing squad!!!) However, we liked that room service joke so much, we'll let you off the hook this time. Sincerely, KGB."
- dragandj 10y agoWlodek, a rural farmer, has decided that might be safer not keeping his money under the mattress. So he takes his horse and cart and goes off to the nearest town to talk to the bank. "Right," says Wlodek, "I want to make sure my 50 zlotys are safe. Like, what happens if someone robs you and takes everything in your vault?" "Oh, don't worry about that!" says the smooth bank manager. "The main branch in the city would cover you!" "Okay," says Wlodek. "But suppose the whole bank went bust? I know these things happen." "Well," says the bank manager. "People have a right to be worried, of course. So that you can feel completely secure, the Polish Central Bank still guarantees your savings." "But suppose the Polish Central Bank ran out of money?" asks Wlodek. "What would happen then?" "This is very hypothetical," says the bank manager. "But if it ever happened, we have a treaty with the Soviet Union. They would still make sure you weren't out of pocket." "But what if the Soviet Union went bust?" asks Wlodek stubbornly. The bank manager sighs. "Look," he says. "Wouldn't that be worth 50 zlotys?"
- zymhan 10y agoI laughed for a solid 30 seconds. That is a great joke.
- wolfgke 10y agoThis joke is well-known in Germany (http://www.bankmitarbeiter.de/html/bankerwitze.html http://www.bankmitarbeiter.de/html/bankerwitze.html at the bottom) - you have to know that in Germany jokes about the politicians (in particular the Federal Government, but increasingly commonly also the EU) are what jokes about lawyers are in the US: > [E]ine ältere Dame in einer Bank [will] ein Sparbuch eröffnen und 1.000,- EUR einzahlen. Dame: "Ist mein Geld bei ihnen auch sicher ? Banker: "Klar doch !" Dame: "Und was ist, wenn Sie Pleite machen ?" Banker: "Dann kommt die Landeszentralbank auf !" Dame: "Und was, wenn die Pleite macht ?" Banker: "Dann kommt die Bundesbank auf !" Dame: "Und wenn auch die Pleite macht ?" Banker: "Dann tritt die Bundesregierung zurück, und das sollte Ihnen nun wirklich die 1.000,- EUR wert sein. My rough not word-for-word translation: An old lady goes to a bank to open a savings book in which she wants to deposit EUR 1,000. Lay: "My money is really safe at you". Banker: "Of course!". Lady: "And what if you go bust?". Banker: "Then the Federal State Central Bank accounts for it!". Lady: "And what if the Federal State Central Bank goes bust?". Banker: "Then the German Central Bank accounts for it.". Lady: "And when it goes bust, too?". Banker: "Then the Federal Government has to recede - and this is surely worth EUR 1,000.". Nowadays there also exists a variant of the joke where Angela Merkel is explicitly mentioned in the final line. :-) Also note in the German version the word "Banker" is used (pronounced the same as in English) - in opposite to its English analogue in German this word has a derogatory connotation (though not as much as in former days). The polite (though a little outdated) German word for "banker" is "Bankier" (though spelled rather similarly as "Banker", it is pronounced differently). I could say that there are reasons why it has become a little uncommon (making it a little outdated) to use the polite German word "Bankier" anymore. ;-)
- ommunist 10y agoThree men in a platzkart train are telling political jokes on their way to Moscow. The fourth is coming in and he hisses "Oh my, do not tell those, you'll be taken". "Oh, come on, man, says one of the three". The alerting guy than goes to the stewardess and asks for four cups of tea delivered to that platzkart seats in exactly 4 minutes. Four minutes later he continues to hiss on his travel companions "Guys, if you won't stop to tell political jokes, they will take you!", getting the same "Come on, man" in response. "All right he says, look here". He stands up near the small lamp in the corner and says "Comrade mayor, four teas to platzkart seats 14, 15, 16 and 17, please". The stewardess brings the tea. Everyone shuts up, and soon goes asleep. In the morning, our hero discovers that his three travel companions' seats are empty. He asks stewardess whether they took off in Tver? "No", the stewardess says, "they were taken". "And why they did not took me too?". "Because comrade mayor liked your joke about the tea very much".
- lisivka 10y agoGroup of CIA agents are thinking about how to invent a joke for Russian communists. With great struggle they invented a joke about butter. Now, to test their joke, they secretly landed near a city in Siberia and told their joke to a men. Men does not laugh. CIA asking — «Are you understanding the joke? — Yeah, I understand the joke, but what is „butter“?».
- ommunist 10y agoThis is classy "foreign design", something to counter with a good internally produced one.
- lisivka 10y agoMoscow was supplied much often and better than rest of the towns around Moscow, and so forth. It was common practice to ride to Moscow to buy something that is not available locally. Moscow was number 1 in supply line, Moscow region and capital cities of other republics was number 2, European cities are number 3, rest was number 4 or (in practice) even lower, so it was expected that someone in Siberia, far far away from Moscow, never saw a good quality product for his whole life. Butter was example of high quality product, while margarine was low quality substitute which was widely available.
- ommunist 10y ago"What is the difference between the socialism and capitalism? Under capitalism one man exploits the others. And under socialism its the other way around".
- DCoder 10y agoA man is walking down the street carrying a 12-roll pack of toilet paper. People surround him, all excited: "Where'd you get that?" The man answers, "I just got it back from the dry cleaner's!" (source: Viktor Suvorov's fascinating Kuzkina Mat [1]) [1]: http://andrewnurnberg.com/book/kuzkina-mat/ http://andrewnurnberg.com/book/kuzkina-mat/
- vermontdevil 10y agoI don't get this one?
- ssttoo 10y agoSpeaking of which... Q: Why 2-ply toilet paper? A: The second copy goes to KGB
- tr1ck5t3r 10y agoCapitalism, the best human control system in the world, money cant buy.
- chx 10y agoOh my, old socialist jokes? Here's one from Hungary: The lion calls the congress of forest animals and declares: thanks to the tireless work of our scientists, we now know two times two is six. Everyone claps loudly. Only the old rabbit sighs to himself, the way I learned in school, two times two is four. Two giant timber wolves appear, haul the rabbit away and noone sees the rabbit for years. A few years later, the lion calls the congress of forest animals and declares: thanks to the tireless work of our scientists, we now know two times two is five. Everyone claps loudly. Only the old rabbit, quite haggard now, sighs to himself, the way I learned in school, two times two is four. Two giant timber wolves appear and invite the rabbit to the pub across the street and tell him: - Look comrade, you can think whatever you want but do not be so loud about it. Or do you want it to be six again?
- nicolas314 10y agoThree guys just arrived in the Gulag. They ask each other what they did to end up there. First one says: - I came to work 5 minutes late, I was sentenced to 10 years for sabotage Second one says: - I came to work 5 minutes early, I was sentenced to 10 years for espionage. Third one says: - I came to work precisely on time, I was sentenced to 15 years for contraband of foreign clocks.
- ssebastianj 10y agoThis somewhat reminds me to the "The Funniest Joke in the World" by Monty Python: https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Funniest_Joke_in_the_World https://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/The_Funniest_Joke_in_the_World
- cjbenedikt 10y agoNo jokes about state of US infrastructure? No laughing matter, I guess
- RobertoG 10y agoMan, the tittle of this post is "CIA Declassified Coldwar Rusian jokes". We can joke about the Americans any other day. Personally, I don't understand yet why this was classified material by de CIA. I mean, if it was by the KGB that would make some sense.
- pc86 10y agoHow many US infrastructure jokes would you expect in a Russian joke PDF?
- _joel 10y agoObligatory, the funniest joke in the world (weaponized) - https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ienp4J3pW7U https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ienp4J3pW7U
- Declanomous 10y agoI had one friend who thought that the botched peanut joke was the funniest thing she had ever heard. I got so sick of hearing "Zere vere 2 peanuts valking down ze strasse."
- binarymax 10y agohttps://translate.google.com/#de/en/Wenn%20ist%20das%20Nunst%C3%BCck%20git%20und%20Slotermeyer%3F%20Ja!%20...%20Beiherhund%20das%20Oder%20die%20Flipperwaldt%20gersput https://translate.google.com/#de/en/Wenn%20ist%20das%20Nunst...
- boznz 10y agoAwesome Google easter-egg
- popeshoe 10y agoA Prague citizen came to local police station in fall 1968. At the desk he claimed "Officer, a Swiss soldier stole my Russian watch". Officer looked puzzled and responded "I guess you mean that a Russian soldier stole your Swiss watch." The man replied "It might be so, but remember that you said that. Not me."
- kpil 10y agoHa ha!
- paganel 10y agoOver here in Romania the Radio Yerevan jokes were some of the most famous (http://www.armeniapedia.org/index.php?title=Radio_Yerevan_Jokes http://www.armeniapedia.org/index.php?title=Radio_Yerevan_Jo...). My favorite one: """ Q: Is it true that Ivan Ivanovich Ivanov from Moscow won a car in a lottery? A: In principle yes, but: 1. it wasn't Ivan Ivanovich Ivanov but Aleksander Aleksandrovich Aleksandrov; 2. he is not from Moscow but from Odessa; 3. it was not a car but a bicycle; 4. he didn't win it, but it was stolen from him. """
- foozed 10y agoThe Radio Yerevan ("Eriwan" here in germany) jokes are really great! They always follow a question / answer principle with many of them having the "In principle yes". Another favorite of mine is: """ Q: Is it true that carrots are good against erectile disfunction? A: In principle yes, but in practice there are problems with the fixation. """
- avip 10y agoMaybe echoes this: A neighbour accuses Hershel the casserole he'd given him was returned broken. They can't settle the case and so go to house of justice. "Your honour, none of this ever happened", replies Hershel. "Please explain", says the judge. "First, This man has never given me any casserole" "Second, I've returned it all in good shape" "and third, it was already broken when he handed it to me"
- krzrak 10y agoThe real question is: why CIA had classified Russian jokes on their file?
- cooper12 10y agoWell the title is "Soviet Jokes for the DDCI", where DDCI seems to stand for "Deputy Director of the Central Intelligence (Agency)". My guess is they had someone compile them for their use and they were just classified by default along with the other documents of the office.
- mmjaa 10y ago"Tell us some Soviet secrets or we will make you LAUGH!"
- gregshap 10y agomaybe they wrote them
- edw519 10y agoA soviet village with only a bull purchased a cow from Irkutsk. But the cow would not let the bull mount her. No matter what the bull did, the cow moved the other way so that mating was impossible. The villagers brought in an expert government official who inspected the bull and cow's behavior. He asked the villagers, "Did you get this cow from Irkutsk?" They responded, "Wow. That's amazing. How did you know?" "My wife is from Irkutsk."
- ptaipale 10y agoIt is 1985. Vladimir wants a car. A Lada. He submits the application to purchase one, and when it is processed, he collects the documents at the office. The clerk says: "You are now in the queue. Your Lada will be delivered on February 7, 2017." Vladimir says: "I'm sorry, I can't pick the car up on that day. Do you have any other days on that week?" The clerk asks: "How come? The time is over 30 years away, how do you know you're not available?" Vladimir: "The plumber comes that day."
- Shivetya 10y agoDo a search of youtube for Ronald Reagan doing russian jokes, some were pretty good
- thrasos 10y agoterrible jokes.
- thrasos 10y agoterrible jokes all of them
- jwhitlark 10y agohttp://redprimer.com/ http://redprimer.com/ The red primer for children and diplomats is a good example of this sort of humor in visual form.
- zmix 10y agoThis one is about propaganda: Pravda's (the main press organ of the USSR) headline: "The Great Republic of the Soviet Union has scored 2nd in an international competition of car-building nations. Just right behind the USA." The rest of the message was withheld: There were only two nations taking part in that competition.