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I agree fully, though, I honestly thought parents were kind of a pain in the ass to work with in the early years of my career. "Wait, it's crunch time and you'
by manyxcxi 10y ago
I agree fully, though, I honestly thought parents were kind of a pain in the ass to work with in the early years of my career.
"Wait, it's crunch time and you're not sleeping under your desk as well?"
I felt a lot of resentment like they were leaving the 'kid' to do all the heroics. It didn't take me having kids to get it, it came much before that when someone I really respected had their first and they could basically tell me my future word for word. But I did get it, at least as much as you can pre-kids.
I've had some crunch times before where I practically didn't see my kids for four days because I was getting home late and leaving early- I can honestly still handle the physical toll. The mental toll is just something else. Now, if that's going on I still peel out for dinner and bed time and head back in to the office when they're all taken care of- then it's 'just' my wife getting neglected.
Your boat won't resent you, won't ask you where you've been, or be on the other end of FaceTime crying because they miss you when you've been on a work trip for a few days. Your boat doesn't depend on you for its survival on a minute by minute basis, and your mechanic doesn't need all the physical and emotional support you can muster (and probably more). Your kids and partner do.
Parents' lives aren't full, they're literally exploding with shit (often times quite literally) they have to deal with that makes work look like a freaking vacation. There's a huge emotional component to all of it that's practically unquantifiable, but suffice to say that if I'm feeling as if I've neglected my family for a few days, I may as well just pack my shit up and go home, because I'm not getting anything else actually done, even if my body and mind should still be good to go.
At the end of the day, we're agreeing to work for a determined price for a determined period of time. Now, at salary it gets fuzzy, and you hope that it all evens out, but in practice it won't unless you decide to make it so. Whether you have kids or not, you should be fighting to keep the balance- and any boss who can't accept that is a real jerk. We all love team players and rock stars, but it doesn't mean you also have to be a doormat and afraid.
I think the person we should all be looking up to is the person that is REALLY EFFING GOOD at what they do and also has a variety of interests and hobbies that are seemingly disconnected from the day job.
- doodyhead 10y agoI'm completely fine working with people who have kids. I don't have a problem with them working from home some days to look after a sick child, or taking time off during the day to pick them up from school, or coming in late because they were up all night with a crying baby. What I detest is the sanctimonious, holier-than-thou attitude that, just because you have kids, you a superior or more evolved human being. I admire that you made the decision to have and raise kids. I understand it takes huge dedication and effort, and it eats most, if not all, of your free time. What if I choose not to have kids, and I spend the rest of my life "pre-kids"? What has that got to do with my job? Absolutely nothing. And it shouldn't come into it. Having kids is a choice, and not a path everyone chooses to walk.
- jdmichal 10y ago> What I detest is the sanctimonious, holier-than-thou attitude that, just because you have kids, you a superior or more evolved human being. Is this in response directly to what manyxcxi wrote, or is this a response in general? I didn't pick up any such attitude in their writing, so I'm genuinely curious whether anything triggered it for you. (I agree with you in general, and I'm a parent. For me, it's one of those things where I realized how much free time I used to have and squandered.)
- doodyhead 10y agoIt's a general response. I happened to seize upon the term "pre-kids" because it seems to imply that a person is somehow "more" for after having kids.
- fpig 10y agoYou find such people in software development circles? I haven't met a single one so far. Sure, there are plenty of people who are unaccomplished otherwise so they treat raising a child (something the majority of the population succeeds in doing) as the pinnacle of human achievement. But I have never worked with someone like that. In my experience these people usually don't work at all...
- doodyhead 10y agoI work directly with two software engineers who have kids. One behaves exactly like that, the other is completely different and reasonable.
- JoeAltmaier 10y agoSpeaking as a kid-raiser (past now; they're 30 and successful) I have this observation: folks who never buckle down to something as demanding as raising kids seem, well, immature to the rest of us. Still kids themselves. Still complaining over their ruined weekend because they had a flat tire on the way to the movie on Friday night. Still upset that a late Amazon package may impact their fishing trip on Saturday. Their responses to life at an entire different setpoint, much lower and amplified. Its like soldiers - the rest of life isn't as vivid for them, as emotionally gripping as being responsible for a life yada yada. Dis it all you like; the effect is still there.