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You're not being grossly unfair: you're just being completely wrong. Your conclusion is that she is a pathological narcissist, but it is you that makes the stor

You're not being grossly unfair: you're just being completely wrong. Your conclusion is that she is a pathological narcissist, but it is you that makes the story completely about her. On the other hand, she clearly recognized that this man's life wasn't solely about her and she correctly concluded that any problems probably weren't solely about her either. She lets the guy get a broader perspective, by reducing her own importance in his life, by letting him discover a taste of a life without her, and yet you, and others, manage to interpret that as a sign of narcissism. I don't understand that one bit. It could as well have played out in a completely different way, where the guy liked his newfound freedom enough to go through with the separation. The fact that he stayed is a pretty strong signal that she was right and that it wasn't about her, as she guessed. A narcissist couldn't possibly guess that something wasn't about her. Your story boils down to 'guy finally has the guts to tell her how it stands, because he is sick of her emotional blackmail, but he's actually a pussy, because a new bit of emotional manipulation is enough to make him reconsider'. That really doesn't sound very convincing.

jdietrich 16y ago
She doesn't recognise at any stage that he might actually have feelings, or that his opinion might matter. It isn't that she thinks that this man's life isn't solely about her - she doesn't recognise that his man has a life. Whatever he feels, however he acts, her response is to ignore and invalidate. It is erroneous to believe that what defines narcissism is an obsession with the self. The primary defining trait of the narcissistic personality is the failure to recognise the boundaries between self and others. Narcissists see others as simply an extension of themselves and fail to fully realise the independence of the minds of others. Narcissists have failed to develop the understanding that there is an external reality, acting independently of their own mind. Narcissists are so debilitating to those around them because their internal logic is so different that our natural reactions are confounded. We fail to recognise when narcissists are lying, because to a narcissist anything that comes from their imagination is the truth - narcissists don't experience any stress whatsoever when lying and seem to be absolutely confident in anything they say or do. People who are in relationships with narcissists quickly lose their sense of self, because the narcissist's erroneous sense of personal boundaries erodes their sense of sentience. The best analogy I can give is Orwell's Newspeak - if you live for ten or fifteen years with someone who can genuinely convince themselves that black is white, who acts as if nobody else around them has emotions, who acts as if they are the ultimate arbiter of truth, it absolutely warps your sense of self. There is a vast amount of literature on what happens to the partners of narcissists and this guy seems to fit that pattern exactly. It's not that he's a pussy, it's that after twenty years of being told what he thinks and what he feels, he has a completely eroded sense of self. He doesn't know who he is anymore. That's why he wants to leave and why he finds it so difficult to do so. He came out point blank and said "It's over, I'm leaving" because he rightly anticipated that he wouldn't be given any opportunity to discuss it, and that any response he would get would be manipulative. He correctly anticipated how he would be manipulated, but fell for it anyway because he has lost his fucking mind.

jdietrich 16y ago

She doesn't recognise at any stage that he might actually have feelings, or that his opinion might matter. It isn't that she thinks that this man's life isn't solely about her - she doesn't recognise that his man has a life. Whatever he feels, however he acts, her response is to ignore and invalidate. It is erroneous to believe that what defines narcissism is an obsession with the self. The primary defining trait of the narcissistic personality is the failure to recognise the boundaries between self and others. Narcissists see others as simply an extension of themselves and fail to fully realise the independence of the minds of others. Narcissists have failed to develop the understanding that there is an external reality, acting independently of their own mind. Narcissists are so debilitating to those around them because their internal logic is so different that our natural reactions are confounded. We fail to recognise when narcissists are lying, because to a narcissist anything that comes from their imagination is the truth - narcissists don't experience any stress whatsoever when lying and seem to be absolutely confident in anything they say or do. People who are in relationships with narcissists quickly lose their sense of self, because the narcissist's erroneous sense of personal boundaries erodes their sense of sentience. The best analogy I can give is Orwell's Newspeak - if you live for ten or fifteen years with someone who can genuinely convince themselves that black is white, who acts as if nobody else around them has emotions, who acts as if they are the ultimate arbiter of truth, it absolutely warps your sense of self. There is a vast amount of literature on what happens to the partners of narcissists and this guy seems to fit that pattern exactly. It's not that he's a pussy, it's that after twenty years of being told what he thinks and what he feels, he has a completely eroded sense of self. He doesn't know who he is anymore. That's why he wants to leave and why he finds it so difficult to do so. He came out point blank and said "It's over, I'm leaving" because he rightly anticipated that he wouldn't be given any opportunity to discuss it, and that any response he would get would be manipulative. He correctly anticipated how he would be manipulated, but fell for it anyway because he has lost his fucking mind.