4 ms·

I think she's lauded as wise because this story gives the reader an easy bromide disguised as deep understanding. She never once in this story actually sat wit

I think she's lauded as wise because this story gives the reader an easy bromide disguised as deep understanding. She never once in this story actually sat with her partner and tried to understand what was going on with him. She gave him an answer, made a few demands, and flat out refused to listen. Reading this story broke my heart. I couldn't believe her utter weakness and lack of compassion. The truth is scary. Love is scary. Change is scary. These things loom over our comfortable lives threatening to expose us to the changes going on outside our realm of control. You don't own your lover, and the truth may one day be that they're unhappy, and need to leave. That which can be destroyed by the truth, should be. If this is indeed a true story, I sure hope the guy has since managed to find a good divorce attorney. ADDITION: I’d finally managed to exile the voices in my head that told me my personal happiness was only as good as my outward success, rooted in things that were often outside my control. This is a huge red flag. Whenever some says that they've "finally managed" to fix themselves in some major way, be very suspicious. It doesn't work that way. We keep our patterns, and they find new ways to manifest until we learn through repeated painful experience to turn them to our benefit some of the time. There is no switch. Her happiness was still clearly very much rooted in her "successful" marriage, her ability to provide a traditional two-coupled-parents environment for her children, etc. The first step to Happiness is admitting one's neuroses. The second is admitting that the first didn't make them go away.

jdietrich 16y ago
I think you've said what I was trying to say, only with fewer, better words. Kudos.
Confusion 16y ago
She never once in this story actually sat with her partner and tried to understand what was going on with him Of course she has tried that and of course he couldn't explain what was wrong. It is crystal clear that the man wasn't clear on what he thought should be changed. As jjames points out in another comment, his life involves much more than just her. This woman recognized that, accepted that and gave the man room to work out his problems, because those problems did not (primarily) have to do with their relationship.
- sshumaker 16y ago
  Clearly this story wasn't the whole story. If you read the followup article, you learn that his business recently failed, and he had lost his sense of self-worth - all of which the wife was aware.
  - IsaacSchlueter 16y ago
    So why wasn't she helping him to process this pain and mourn his losses rather than simply ignoring his pleas for help? "Giving someone space" is not the same as just telling them you don't believe them and turning away from them. I remain convinced that she's a narcissistic person who doesn't know what love is, and this story is heartbreaking for all the wrong reasons.
- IsaacSchlueter 16y ago
  Of course she has tried that and of course he couldn't explain what was wrong. Ah, the laziest excuse for bad behavior ever. "I tried that, and it didn't work!" He couldn't explain what was wrong, but he was trying to explain how he felt. These things are complicated. And rather than try to help him explore this problem, she refused to listen, because his feelings didn't jive with her worldview.
vahakota 16y ago
-- The first step to Happiness is admitting one's neuroses. The second is admitting that the first didn't make them go away. -- This is rightfully to the point. But my experience has led me to believe that it doesn't end here. With time and practice we can learn to gradually replace our "neuroses" with different kinds of thinking patterns. Although it is true that there is no binary switch, there are ways to start training new neural pathways which gradually alter the patterns that we end up following in given circumstances. To make it short, I'd just add these to your list: The third step is to decide whether you want to commit to the process of changing yourself on some particular area even though you are bound to face setbacks on the journey.
- IsaacSchlueter 16y ago
  In other words: The third step is realizing that you have no idea how many steps there are.

jdietrich 16y ago

I think you've said what I was trying to say, only with fewer, better words. Kudos.

Confusion 16y ago

She never once in this story actually sat with her partner and tried to understand what was going on with him Of course she has tried that and of course he couldn't explain what was wrong. It is crystal clear that the man wasn't clear on what he thought should be changed. As jjames points out in another comment, his life involves much more than just her. This woman recognized that, accepted that and gave the man room to work out his problems, because those problems did not (primarily) have to do with their relationship.

sshumaker 16y ago
Clearly this story wasn't the whole story. If you read the followup article, you learn that his business recently failed, and he had lost his sense of self-worth - all of which the wife was aware.
- IsaacSchlueter 16y ago
  So why wasn't she helping him to process this pain and mourn his losses rather than simply ignoring his pleas for help? "Giving someone space" is not the same as just telling them you don't believe them and turning away from them. I remain convinced that she's a narcissistic person who doesn't know what love is, and this story is heartbreaking for all the wrong reasons.
IsaacSchlueter 16y ago
Of course she has tried that and of course he couldn't explain what was wrong. Ah, the laziest excuse for bad behavior ever. "I tried that, and it didn't work!" He couldn't explain what was wrong, but he was trying to explain how he felt. These things are complicated. And rather than try to help him explore this problem, she refused to listen, because his feelings didn't jive with her worldview.

vahakota 16y ago

-- The first step to Happiness is admitting one's neuroses. The second is admitting that the first didn't make them go away. -- This is rightfully to the point. But my experience has led me to believe that it doesn't end here. With time and practice we can learn to gradually replace our "neuroses" with different kinds of thinking patterns. Although it is true that there is no binary switch, there are ways to start training new neural pathways which gradually alter the patterns that we end up following in given circumstances. To make it short, I'd just add these to your list: The third step is to decide whether you want to commit to the process of changing yourself on some particular area even though you are bound to face setbacks on the journey.

IsaacSchlueter 16y ago
In other words: The third step is realizing that you have no idea how many steps there are.