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Wow man that's a pretty fucked up thing to say. The anonymity of the internet is a wonderful place for trolls and cowards isn't it?

Nomentatus 10y ago
Here, substitute "identity" for friends, contacts, clubs, connections. If you vanished for five months, and then could only return once in a while, how many friends and solid connections would you have that you could really rely on? Now try five years! The answer, almost everyone finds out is very, very few. Being gone means you weren't useful to them for a long time, and that's what counts, for nearly everyone. What the elderly find out over decades about how shallow and self-serving most human contact is, you get to find out much faster. So, if your connections in a city are only five years old, and you then have a child and start to care for that child full-time - you're probably going to find out that indeed you really didn't have much of an "identity" in that town, after all. I admit it's a bit perverse (and not very zen) to equate personal identity and social contacts. But we all do - we are social creatures. When I was a teenager and my elders were saying "he hasn't found his identity yet" they precisely meant "role, group he identifies with." It took me forever to figure out that's what they meant. I still think that's a bit or more than a bit screwed-up, but it is how we conduct ourselves. Not necessarily how we should conduct ourselves, or how an enlightened Zen master would conduct themselves. So I would count the first poster whose contribution is now greyed-out as naive and unsympathetic, rather than as deliberately abusive or trolling.
- hesdeadjim 10y ago
  Yes this is exactly what I would have wanted to say had I not let myself get defensively angry. We also both drastically underestimated just how lifestyle altering a child would be. My wife spent those five months in a tired, zombie-like haze with a baby who was much more on the colic side than not, and with very little family support it took its toll on both of us. Reclaiming her "identity" has looked much more like you describe - reengaging with friends, activities, and other things she enjoyed before they were stripped away for simple survival.
im3w1l 10y ago
If you bring your personal experience into a debate, prepare to have it questioned.

Nomentatus 10y ago

Here, substitute "identity" for friends, contacts, clubs, connections. If you vanished for five months, and then could only return once in a while, how many friends and solid connections would you have that you could really rely on? Now try five years! The answer, almost everyone finds out is very, very few. Being gone means you weren't useful to them for a long time, and that's what counts, for nearly everyone. What the elderly find out over decades about how shallow and self-serving most human contact is, you get to find out much faster. So, if your connections in a city are only five years old, and you then have a child and start to care for that child full-time - you're probably going to find out that indeed you really didn't have much of an "identity" in that town, after all. I admit it's a bit perverse (and not very zen) to equate personal identity and social contacts. But we all do - we are social creatures. When I was a teenager and my elders were saying "he hasn't found his identity yet" they precisely meant "role, group he identifies with." It took me forever to figure out that's what they meant. I still think that's a bit or more than a bit screwed-up, but it is how we conduct ourselves. Not necessarily how we should conduct ourselves, or how an enlightened Zen master would conduct themselves. So I would count the first poster whose contribution is now greyed-out as naive and unsympathetic, rather than as deliberately abusive or trolling.

hesdeadjim 10y ago
Yes this is exactly what I would have wanted to say had I not let myself get defensively angry. We also both drastically underestimated just how lifestyle altering a child would be. My wife spent those five months in a tired, zombie-like haze with a baby who was much more on the colic side than not, and with very little family support it took its toll on both of us. Reclaiming her "identity" has looked much more like you describe - reengaging with friends, activities, and other things she enjoyed before they were stripped away for simple survival.

im3w1l 10y ago

If you bring your personal experience into a debate, prepare to have it questioned.