4 ms·

I've always thought that if I had children I would try to treat them less like little kids and with more autonomy. For example if they misbehaved, instead of j

I've always thought that if I had children I would try to treat them less like little kids and with more autonomy. For example if they misbehaved, instead of just punishing them, I would give them a chance to write a paraphraph or two if they wished to dispute the punishment. Or giving them some (though not complete) freedom in choosing what to do, such as "would you prefer to go the opera, play, or concert?" Is this a good idea or am I being too optimistic?

mansr 16y ago
There's always the risk that they'd prefer hanging out with the hoodies.
pchristensen 16y ago
Maybe too optimistic but the right idea. The tricks I've found with giving my 4 year old autonomy and responsibility are a) make it abundantly clear that sometimes, what Daddy says, goes, and b) realizing that kids behavior fluctuates up and down with their energy level and environment. Trying to rationalize with a kid who didn't eat lunch, or who's wasted at the end of the day is a lost cause and you just have to step up and enforce.
- pixelbath 16y ago
  Agreed. I've tried trading one punishment for another, and the only thing it seems to teach is that punishment is malleable, and that they can start "gaming" the punishments for less harsh ones, even if the situation calls. I promised myself when I was a child that I would never tell my children, "because I said so." You know, sometimes it really is "you just have to put up with it and do what I say...because I'm Daddy, and I said so."
  - run4yourlives 16y ago
    Because I said so works, but you aren't actually thinking this in your own head, so why not just take the time once everyone is back in listening mode to give them the long version? Dad: Go to bed, please. Kid: Why? Dad: Because I said so. post hysterics... Dad: Why do you think Dad was telling you to go to sleep? Kid: I don't know. Dad: Well, what are you doing today? Kid: Going to school. Dad: And if you don't sleep before you go to school, what happens... etc etc. Of course this is variable on the child, the issue and the level of understanding. I've done this though and while it doesn't solve the immediate concern, it sure as hell helps with any possible recurrence.
nfnaaron 16y ago
Limited autonomy of a four year old is good, but they need guidance and correction to know what to do with their autonomy. You're trying to grow an autonomous being, but you don't yet have one, and treating a kid as such can be as dangerous as treating a car autonomously.
run4yourlives 16y ago
My suggestion would be not allowing them to "dispute the punishment", but encouraging them to logically follow the path of their actions to the conclusion that the punishment is designed to avoid. You're not interested in teaching them to justify poor judgement, you're trying to teach them the judgement skills directly. Of course, situations vary.

mansr 16y ago

There's always the risk that they'd prefer hanging out with the hoodies.

pchristensen 16y ago

Maybe too optimistic but the right idea. The tricks I've found with giving my 4 year old autonomy and responsibility are a) make it abundantly clear that sometimes, what Daddy says, goes, and b) realizing that kids behavior fluctuates up and down with their energy level and environment. Trying to rationalize with a kid who didn't eat lunch, or who's wasted at the end of the day is a lost cause and you just have to step up and enforce.

pixelbath 16y ago
Agreed. I've tried trading one punishment for another, and the only thing it seems to teach is that punishment is malleable, and that they can start "gaming" the punishments for less harsh ones, even if the situation calls. I promised myself when I was a child that I would never tell my children, "because I said so." You know, sometimes it really is "you just have to put up with it and do what I say...because I'm Daddy, and I said so."
- run4yourlives 16y ago
  Because I said so works, but you aren't actually thinking this in your own head, so why not just take the time once everyone is back in listening mode to give them the long version? Dad: Go to bed, please. Kid: Why? Dad: Because I said so. post hysterics... Dad: Why do you think Dad was telling you to go to sleep? Kid: I don't know. Dad: Well, what are you doing today? Kid: Going to school. Dad: And if you don't sleep before you go to school, what happens... etc etc. Of course this is variable on the child, the issue and the level of understanding. I've done this though and while it doesn't solve the immediate concern, it sure as hell helps with any possible recurrence.

nfnaaron 16y ago

Limited autonomy of a four year old is good, but they need guidance and correction to know what to do with their autonomy. You're trying to grow an autonomous being, but you don't yet have one, and treating a kid as such can be as dangerous as treating a car autonomously.

run4yourlives 16y ago

My suggestion would be not allowing them to "dispute the punishment", but encouraging them to logically follow the path of their actions to the conclusion that the punishment is designed to avoid. You're not interested in teaching them to justify poor judgement, you're trying to teach them the judgement skills directly. Of course, situations vary.