5 ms·

Sexless in Silicon Valley: why nobody's getting laid in America's tech hub

37 points by saycheese 10y ago

speeder 10y ago
This isn't just a Silicon Valley thing. It is happen to whole Japan!!! Or in several countries humanities courses are trying to decipher the "Marriage Strike", and so on. The thing is, there are several problems that make having a family hard, and even when you don't want a family, and want just random sex, some problems still get in the way. Personal anecdote, but good example: I am 29 right now. Also right now my interest in having a girlfriend dropped through the bottom, I am less interest now than any point in my life (even in my childhood I was more interested). After some self-analysis I concluded the reason is very simple and obvious: What I would want a girlfriend for? I don't have any money (literally), I still have lots of debts (made to pay student debts), I don't own a house, or a car, or even a bicycle, I spend most of my time trying to sharp my work skills in hopes I can finally get some decent money having my first job (yep, I graduated in 2009, and never had a job!) or by getting some decent contract (I had many contracts, but mostly crappy ones that I took only because I had no other choice, since I am in debt). If I had a girlfriend, she would "get in the way", it would make my life worse, not better, I don't have time even to buy my own food, what would be the point in having someone to share things (including time) with? And I believe this applies to most of my friends and acquaintances too, even the ones in other countries, life is just too fucked up right now to people between 20 and 35... In UK humanities courses even invented a new name for my generation: "Boomerang Generation", the only generation where large numbers are being forced to live with their parents unwillingly, even after attempts to leave home, the generation that in hopes of being proper adults rented some place out, failed to pay, and were forced to return to their parents home, like a boomerang.
- aianus 10y ago
  Isn't it a lot cheaper to split rent with someone else who lives in the same bed as you? And to cook for two instead of one? The way I see it, the only way being single is cheaper is if you live with family for free.
  - speeder 10y ago
    I don't have a job (never had), right now I don't have any contract either. I don't have any income, but I do have debt (including unpaid rents for when I lived away from my parents, in a "startup boom city"), I need expensive medicine (about 100 USD month in a country where mininum wage is 300 USD), who do you think is paying for all that? It is not the government, because I don't even get unemployment benefits, because I was never employed legally in first place.
  - h0p3 10y ago
    You are correct about it being cheaper to share the costs of living. However, relationships generally have unique costs we should take into account. You have to invest your time in people (time you might otherwise spend on yourself). Many people feel compelled to spend money in relationships, especially to find and impress the kind of mate they desire. That isn't to say there aren't unique costs in being single either. The point is that relationships aren't obviously as cost-efficient as they may seem at first glance. Sometimes they require real sacrifice.
  - adpoe 10y ago
    That's true. But finding a stable romantic partner who you're willing to move in with, and live with, + share all your personal space with is still very hard when you have little time/money, right? (And that applies to both sexes.) And moreover - finding someone you really love and care for and want to move in with is hard even when you're rich. Just look at all the dating sites and services catering to matchmaking for the very wealthy. We might say --> the less time/money you have, the harder it gets. And when all your time is going to career + you're in debt... it's a bad combo for the dating pool, for both sexes.
- coldtea 10y ago
  >After some self-analysis I concluded the reason is very simple and obvious: What I would want a girlfriend for? I don't have any money (literally), I still have lots of debts (made to pay student debts), I don't own a house, or a car, or even a bicycle, I spend most of my time trying to sharp my work skills in hopes I can finally get some decent money having my first job (yep, I graduated in 2009, and never had a job!) or by getting some decent contract (I had many contracts, but mostly crappy ones that I took only because I had no other choice, since I am in debt). If I had a girlfriend, she would "get in the way", it would make my life worse, not better, I don't have time even to buy my own food, what would be the point in having someone to share things (including time) with? People have had girlfriends (and even families) in much more dire situations, including in the whole developing world. Whether one has debt, or a car, or their own house, is not even much of a factor. >I don't have time even to buy my own food, what would be the point in having someone to share things (including time) with? The reason people pursue it is because generally it's considered inherently nice. If it's not for you, then fine, but it's not like wanting to be with someone has not been part of the human condition (not to mention a biological imperative) since the beginning of time. But it's not a logistical operation, either you're in love with someone and want to be with them, or not. If not, then it doesn't make much sense to ponder whether to get a girlfriend or not.
stinkytaco 10y ago
Tons of male computer nerds can't find a date. What is this drivel? Lets regurgitate a bunch of stereotypical anecdotes to... what? Forgive horrible statements by the current president? Exclaim that Silicon Valley is too PC (despite its reputation as a frat house turned business)? Both wrong, the correct answer is generate clicks.
dictum 10y ago
> “There are men everywhere, but they’re all awful,” said Amanda*, a twentysomething professional whose recent dates have included a web developer who didn’t know the alphabet and a software developer who starting talking about marriage on the second date. Okay, nonchalance is cool and cool is sexy, but if you're turned off by your date's ability to imagine marriage, you're looking for a balance you'll never find.
- stuaxo 10y ago
  Being too forward is offputting for anyone + the marriage thing might come across as that?
rayiner 10y ago
I've grown to find the "goods are odd" comment pretty offensive. People are who they are. They don't need to change themselves to conform to the author's expectations of what would make a good mate.
- loopdedoo 10y ago
  True, but women are under no obligation to date dudes they consider odd.
  - rayiner 10y ago
    No one is ever obligated to date anyone else. But that doesn't make it okay to criticize people for their personality traits (which don't hurt you.)
    - coldtea 10y ago
      >No one is ever obligated to date anyone else. In lots of social systems, including the US up to some date, they are. >But that doesn't make it okay to criticize people for their personality traits (which don't hurt you.) Isn't that a critique of a personality trait? And why would it be bad to criticize people for their personality traits? Personality traits are what inform people's actions and behavior.
      - rayiner 10y ago
        We're not talking about harmful personality traits. Talking about marriage on the second date doesn't hurt anyone. Writing an article about the "odd" guy who did so is hurtful and unnecessary. It's not much better than a guy writing an article about how he went on a date with a woman with a big nose (the nerve of her!) And if this were an article about increasing your dating success, it might be good advice to try to package what you've got in a more flattering way. But this article is about the opposite: Silicon Valley men not wanting to date.
        10y ago
heh 10y ago
At the very least, there are some outliers in Silicon Valley, like this guy: http://www.piedpiper.com/app/themes/pied-piper/dist/images/jared.png http://www.piedpiper.com/app/themes/pied-piper/dist/images/j...
probably_wrong 10y ago
This article feels like the grown up version of being ostracized at school: As a teenager, you get made fun of[1] for liking geeky stuff, people call you weird, all usually followed by the phrase "you'll never get laid". Now all those geeks have grown up, and moved to Silicon Valley to do what they love. And here's a newspaper article to point at how weird they are, and how they will never get laid. Why is this even an article? There's no real content here, only a couple random anecdotes and an opening paragraph about Trump, for some reason. [1] It used to be that liking comics and programming made you a loser, but I don't know whether that's still "out" with kids these days.
- coldtea 10y ago
  >This article feels like the grown up version of being ostracized at school: As a teenager, you get made fun of[1] for liking geeky stuff, people call you weird, all usually followed by the phrase "you'll never get laid" The grown up version is simply called "life". People will always judge people that don't fit into social norms. That's part and parcel with being in a society, as opposed to doing whatever one wants in the wilderness. Even worse, and that's something people tend to ignore these days: not fitting into social norms is not necessarily something to be cherished. In some cases it is, but in others it's the social norms that are right and not the outlier. (In some cases that's obvious: nobody would consider a junky or a hoarder totally fine).
baccheion 10y ago
San Francisco is strange. A lot of the males are gay, taken, or creepy/weird. What's left has to deal with the same thing as women. That is, many women have fed into the "odds are good, but the goods are odd" BS and have become arrogant, annoying, and delusion, though they are nothing special. With women, I'd say something like, "the odds aren't good, but the goods are still odd." They aren't usually creepy/weird, but they're high maintenance, SJW'y (sees everything as some sort of unfair treatment, complains about every little thing, constantly creates more headache for everyone, etc), bitchy, full of themselves, annoying, and don't seem to realize most see them as a waste of time. They're like those worthless draining idiots at work who like taking advantage of someone trapped in a bad situation and who say the dumbest thing (addressing others as though they're idiots) every chance they get. Oh wait, it's the same people, but now they're outside work while trying to repeat the same thing again. Once they are off the table, only a handful of women remain. In my case, while I was there, the handful left were often attracted to me; however, I kept noticing that if I entered a relationship with one and it didn't work out, that would be it. There would either nothing else, or I'd end up trapped (didn't work out, so therefore..) cycling through the same handful of women. Trapped. Suffocated. Dead end. Dead end. Trapped. Dead end. Suffocated. <repeat> That's what constantly repeated while I was there. Everything would lead to a dead end, and it was almost as though there were a group of people trying to keep it that way.

37 points by saycheese 10y ago

This isn't just a Silicon Valley thing. It is happen to whole Japan!!! Or in several countries humanities courses are trying to decipher the "Marriage Strike", and so on. The thing is, there are several problems that make having a family hard, and even when you don't want a family, and want just random sex, some problems still get in the way. Personal anecdote, but good example: I am 29 right now. Also right now my interest in having a girlfriend dropped through the bottom, I am less interest now than any point in my life (even in my childhood I was more interested). After some self-analysis I concluded the reason is very simple and obvious: What I would want a girlfriend for? I don't have any money (literally), I still have lots of debts (made to pay student debts), I don't own a house, or a car, or even a bicycle, I spend most of my time trying to sharp my work skills in hopes I can finally get some decent money having my first job (yep, I graduated in 2009, and never had a job!) or by getting some decent contract (I had many contracts, but mostly crappy ones that I took only because I had no other choice, since I am in debt). If I had a girlfriend, she would "get in the way", it would make my life worse, not better, I don't have time even to buy my own food, what would be the point in having someone to share things (including time) with? And I believe this applies to most of my friends and acquaintances too, even the ones in other countries, life is just too fucked up right now to people between 20 and 35... In UK humanities courses even invented a new name for my generation: "Boomerang Generation", the only generation where large numbers are being forced to live with their parents unwillingly, even after attempts to leave home, the generation that in hopes of being proper adults rented some place out, failed to pay, and were forced to return to their parents home, like a boomerang.

aianus 10y ago
Isn't it a lot cheaper to split rent with someone else who lives in the same bed as you? And to cook for two instead of one? The way I see it, the only way being single is cheaper is if you live with family for free.
- speeder 10y ago
  I don't have a job (never had), right now I don't have any contract either. I don't have any income, but I do have debt (including unpaid rents for when I lived away from my parents, in a "startup boom city"), I need expensive medicine (about 100 USD month in a country where mininum wage is 300 USD), who do you think is paying for all that? It is not the government, because I don't even get unemployment benefits, because I was never employed legally in first place.
- h0p3 10y ago
  You are correct about it being cheaper to share the costs of living. However, relationships generally have unique costs we should take into account. You have to invest your time in people (time you might otherwise spend on yourself). Many people feel compelled to spend money in relationships, especially to find and impress the kind of mate they desire. That isn't to say there aren't unique costs in being single either. The point is that relationships aren't obviously as cost-efficient as they may seem at first glance. Sometimes they require real sacrifice.
- adpoe 10y ago
  That's true. But finding a stable romantic partner who you're willing to move in with, and live with, + share all your personal space with is still very hard when you have little time/money, right? (And that applies to both sexes.) And moreover - finding someone you really love and care for and want to move in with is hard even when you're rich. Just look at all the dating sites and services catering to matchmaking for the very wealthy. We might say --> the less time/money you have, the harder it gets. And when all your time is going to career + you're in debt... it's a bad combo for the dating pool, for both sexes.
coldtea 10y ago
>After some self-analysis I concluded the reason is very simple and obvious: What I would want a girlfriend for? I don't have any money (literally), I still have lots of debts (made to pay student debts), I don't own a house, or a car, or even a bicycle, I spend most of my time trying to sharp my work skills in hopes I can finally get some decent money having my first job (yep, I graduated in 2009, and never had a job!) or by getting some decent contract (I had many contracts, but mostly crappy ones that I took only because I had no other choice, since I am in debt). If I had a girlfriend, she would "get in the way", it would make my life worse, not better, I don't have time even to buy my own food, what would be the point in having someone to share things (including time) with? People have had girlfriends (and even families) in much more dire situations, including in the whole developing world. Whether one has debt, or a car, or their own house, is not even much of a factor. >I don't have time even to buy my own food, what would be the point in having someone to share things (including time) with? The reason people pursue it is because generally it's considered inherently nice. If it's not for you, then fine, but it's not like wanting to be with someone has not been part of the human condition (not to mention a biological imperative) since the beginning of time. But it's not a logistical operation, either you're in love with someone and want to be with them, or not. If not, then it doesn't make much sense to ponder whether to get a girlfriend or not.

stinkytaco 10y ago

Tons of male computer nerds can't find a date. What is this drivel? Lets regurgitate a bunch of stereotypical anecdotes to... what? Forgive horrible statements by the current president? Exclaim that Silicon Valley is too PC (despite its reputation as a frat house turned business)? Both wrong, the correct answer is generate clicks.

dictum 10y ago

> “There are men everywhere, but they’re all awful,” said Amanda*, a twentysomething professional whose recent dates have included a web developer who didn’t know the alphabet and a software developer who starting talking about marriage on the second date. Okay, nonchalance is cool and cool is sexy, but if you're turned off by your date's ability to imagine marriage, you're looking for a balance you'll never find.

stuaxo 10y ago
Being too forward is offputting for anyone + the marriage thing might come across as that?

rayiner 10y ago

I've grown to find the "goods are odd" comment pretty offensive. People are who they are. They don't need to change themselves to conform to the author's expectations of what would make a good mate.

loopdedoo 10y ago
True, but women are under no obligation to date dudes they consider odd.
- rayiner 10y ago
  No one is ever obligated to date anyone else. But that doesn't make it okay to criticize people for their personality traits (which don't hurt you.)
  - coldtea 10y ago
    >No one is ever obligated to date anyone else. In lots of social systems, including the US up to some date, they are. >But that doesn't make it okay to criticize people for their personality traits (which don't hurt you.) Isn't that a critique of a personality trait? And why would it be bad to criticize people for their personality traits? Personality traits are what inform people's actions and behavior.
    - rayiner 10y ago
      We're not talking about harmful personality traits. Talking about marriage on the second date doesn't hurt anyone. Writing an article about the "odd" guy who did so is hurtful and unnecessary. It's not much better than a guy writing an article about how he went on a date with a woman with a big nose (the nerve of her!) And if this were an article about increasing your dating success, it might be good advice to try to package what you've got in a more flattering way. But this article is about the opposite: Silicon Valley men not wanting to date.
      - 10y ago

heh 10y ago

At the very least, there are some outliers in Silicon Valley, like this guy: http://www.piedpiper.com/app/themes/pied-piper/dist/images/jared.png http://www.piedpiper.com/app/themes/pied-piper/dist/images/j...

probably_wrong 10y ago

This article feels like the grown up version of being ostracized at school: As a teenager, you get made fun of[1] for liking geeky stuff, people call you weird, all usually followed by the phrase "you'll never get laid". Now all those geeks have grown up, and moved to Silicon Valley to do what they love. And here's a newspaper article to point at how weird they are, and how they will never get laid. Why is this even an article? There's no real content here, only a couple random anecdotes and an opening paragraph about Trump, for some reason. [1] It used to be that liking comics and programming made you a loser, but I don't know whether that's still "out" with kids these days.

coldtea 10y ago
>This article feels like the grown up version of being ostracized at school: As a teenager, you get made fun of[1] for liking geeky stuff, people call you weird, all usually followed by the phrase "you'll never get laid" The grown up version is simply called "life". People will always judge people that don't fit into social norms. That's part and parcel with being in a society, as opposed to doing whatever one wants in the wilderness. Even worse, and that's something people tend to ignore these days: not fitting into social norms is not necessarily something to be cherished. In some cases it is, but in others it's the social norms that are right and not the outlier. (In some cases that's obvious: nobody would consider a junky or a hoarder totally fine).

baccheion 10y ago

San Francisco is strange. A lot of the males are gay, taken, or creepy/weird. What's left has to deal with the same thing as women. That is, many women have fed into the "odds are good, but the goods are odd" BS and have become arrogant, annoying, and delusion, though they are nothing special. With women, I'd say something like, "the odds aren't good, but the goods are still odd." They aren't usually creepy/weird, but they're high maintenance, SJW'y (sees everything as some sort of unfair treatment, complains about every little thing, constantly creates more headache for everyone, etc), bitchy, full of themselves, annoying, and don't seem to realize most see them as a waste of time. They're like those worthless draining idiots at work who like taking advantage of someone trapped in a bad situation and who say the dumbest thing (addressing others as though they're idiots) every chance they get. Oh wait, it's the same people, but now they're outside work while trying to repeat the same thing again. Once they are off the table, only a handful of women remain. In my case, while I was there, the handful left were often attracted to me; however, I kept noticing that if I entered a relationship with one and it didn't work out, that would be it. There would either nothing else, or I'd end up trapped (didn't work out, so therefore..) cycling through the same handful of women. Trapped. Suffocated. Dead end. Dead end. Trapped. Dead end. Suffocated. <repeat> That's what constantly repeated while I was there. Everything would lead to a dead end, and it was almost as though there were a group of people trying to keep it that way.