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I'm not even talking about the article per se. I'm more taken aback by people here saying that if after 10 years of marriage, with career and kids to contend wi

I'm not even talking about the article per se. I'm more taken aback by people here saying that if after 10 years of marriage, with career and kids to contend with, you're not having sex every day you're somehow a failure and your relationship is doomed. Could it be that this is not all there is to life? Could it be that a marriage can be quite all right without much stereotypical "romance"? Could it be that people are just different and some of them are quite fine with having no romance or sex for that matter for months at a time? That's something that takes some time and life experience to absorb. In particular, it's not "sad" to be consumed by kids and/or career if that's something you both want. My wife and I have been married for 17 years and "consumed" by kids and careers for 15. We open a bottle of wine every Friday, we go out to a restaurant every now and then -- that's the extent of our "romance" at this point. And you know what? It's great for both of us. Before someone jumps in with manufactured outrage, no, I don't suggest that you ignore your partner or tolerate the lack of "romance" from their side. If that's something you (or they) need in your life, by all means, hash it out and have a mutually agreeable relationship. Just realize that some people are quite happy in other circumstances.

exclusiv 10y ago
I don't think anyone said anything about having sex everyday is realistic or the key to maintaining romance. I'm going on 10 years and that's definitely not realistic for almost every couple at that stage. Your note about having a mutually agreeable relationship is very important though. Expectations should be discussed. I think that's where it can get unhealthy - when everything changes like with kids and one person has different expectations and the communication isn't there for whatever reason. Maybe the wife assumes all is romantic and perfect despite the shit because the man doesn't raise any red flags, they've been together for a long time, and he's a good dad which she finds attractive/sexy. But men tend to not talk about feelings and expectations as much. And for many couples, it harbors resentment and dissatisfaction, often even later (15+ years of marriage) after the kids are gone. It is easy to get consumed by kids; it's an amazing thing. I'm just saying that I think most men see romance differently from the author and both sides have to put in a conscious effort to maintain the romance, esp. with kids, or at least have a mutual understanding like you mentioned. That and I do think good things happen for everyone (parents & kids) when the husband/wife relationship has more of a focus. Too much helicoptering and slaving going on with parents these days.

exclusiv 10y ago

I don't think anyone said anything about having sex everyday is realistic or the key to maintaining romance. I'm going on 10 years and that's definitely not realistic for almost every couple at that stage. Your note about having a mutually agreeable relationship is very important though. Expectations should be discussed. I think that's where it can get unhealthy - when everything changes like with kids and one person has different expectations and the communication isn't there for whatever reason. Maybe the wife assumes all is romantic and perfect despite the shit because the man doesn't raise any red flags, they've been together for a long time, and he's a good dad which she finds attractive/sexy. But men tend to not talk about feelings and expectations as much. And for many couples, it harbors resentment and dissatisfaction, often even later (15+ years of marriage) after the kids are gone. It is easy to get consumed by kids; it's an amazing thing. I'm just saying that I think most men see romance differently from the author and both sides have to put in a conscious effort to maintain the romance, esp. with kids, or at least have a mutual understanding like you mentioned. That and I do think good things happen for everyone (parents & kids) when the husband/wife relationship has more of a focus. Too much helicoptering and slaving going on with parents these days.