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Asking something here with genuine interest: I interpreted your comment about "self-aware point scoring" to mean that you shouldn't think of relationships as tr

Asking something here with genuine interest: I interpreted your comment about "self-aware point scoring" to mean that you shouldn't think of relationships as transactional, or be too concerned with whether your contributions to them are reciprocated. My practical question here is if you live that way, how do you avoid getting screwed over by opportunists? My ethical question is wouldn't a society based on this principle create inequality through winners becoming bigger winners, because they're the ones who can most afford to give stuff away without expecting a return (whether it is money, emotional energy, or anything else)?

rosser 10y ago
Heuristically, I suppose, if the "skew" is so obvious that you can see it without "score-keeping", then you avail yourself of a different approach. Which one? I'm not your marriage counselor. But talking about it is probably a good start.
ZenoArrow 10y ago
>"I interpreted your comment about "self-aware point scoring" to mean that you shouldn't think of relationships as transactional, or be too concerned with whether your contributions to them are reciprocated." If you want my honest, non-expert answer, making relationships transactional means making them closer to business arrangements. Maybe that's what some people are comfortable with, but I prefer when my personal relationships are a little more spontaneous and free. So, for me, relationships shouldn't be transactional. How do you stop getting screwed over? I'd say it comes down to trust. Trust is something that builds up over time. The more you trust someone the more you can give without expecting something in return. Trust is based on support, but it's not something you have to actively track, it's something you feel (or don't feel). When trust starts to breaks down, that's the time to either work on it together or cut your losses.
nl 10y ago
My practical question here is if you live that way, how do you avoid getting screwed over by opportunists? As someone who lives this way I find it pretty easy: you develop an instinct for people like that and don't deal with them. If you make a mistake do deal with them and they screw you over... oh well. I don't worry about it, and it isn't something that has ever had a negative effect on my life.

rosser 10y ago

Heuristically, I suppose, if the "skew" is so obvious that you can see it without "score-keeping", then you avail yourself of a different approach. Which one? I'm not your marriage counselor. But talking about it is probably a good start.

ZenoArrow 10y ago

>"I interpreted your comment about "self-aware point scoring" to mean that you shouldn't think of relationships as transactional, or be too concerned with whether your contributions to them are reciprocated." If you want my honest, non-expert answer, making relationships transactional means making them closer to business arrangements. Maybe that's what some people are comfortable with, but I prefer when my personal relationships are a little more spontaneous and free. So, for me, relationships shouldn't be transactional. How do you stop getting screwed over? I'd say it comes down to trust. Trust is something that builds up over time. The more you trust someone the more you can give without expecting something in return. Trust is based on support, but it's not something you have to actively track, it's something you feel (or don't feel). When trust starts to breaks down, that's the time to either work on it together or cut your losses.

nl 10y ago

My practical question here is if you live that way, how do you avoid getting screwed over by opportunists? As someone who lives this way I find it pretty easy: you develop an instinct for people like that and don't deal with them. If you make a mistake do deal with them and they screw you over... oh well. I don't worry about it, and it isn't something that has ever had a negative effect on my life.