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As someone in late 30's, I look at this thread and shake my head. Folks, you can't apply your own stereotypes to everyone's situation. What's a "healthy" relati

As someone in late 30's, I look at this thread and shake my head. Folks, you can't apply your own stereotypes to everyone's situation. What's a "healthy" relationship to some is completely unsustainable for others. What's "romance" to some is neglect to others. People's needs differ, and not only you don't have to conform to stereotypical norms in your private life, you simply can't do it: it'd require too much willpower. So, TL;DR: don't tell me what's "healthy" and "normal". And coincidentally, I greet my cat first when I get home, and my wife doesn't mind.

izacus 10y ago
And yet, the original article attempts to do the same kind of generalized painting as well :/
jamesrcole 10y ago
> As someone in late 30's, I look at this thread and shake my head. That comes across a bit smug and also a bit presumptuous about the other people in the thread.
cvvcvv 10y ago
Call me crazy but I would never marry a woman who prefers cats to dogs.
- odiroot 10y ago
  I would agree 100% but it still sound a little bit silly. I cannot even say why do I care so much about this.
- pluma 10y ago
  Call me crazy but I probably wouldn't be nearly as happy if my wife weren't a cat person.
- Ixiaus 10y ago
  Then, my partner and I are both crazy. Life's going to surprise you when you discover how failure prone generalizations are :)
andrewclunn 10y ago
Yeah. This is great for those seeking contentment alone. A lot of it struck me as making excuses for letting herself go. I realize that my wife and I have a much more "power couple" style deal. Of course it's going to vary from couple to couple. Perhaps there should be a browser extension that just inserts "to me" or "in my opinion" after declarative sentences.
- 91bananas 10y ago
  A lot of your comment struck me as you think you're better than her and most of this community.
Fnoord 10y ago
Your cat or your dog may not understand your language, but they very well do understand the tone you say things. (If not, at the very least you can teach them this.) Cats themselves know very well how to whine, and with some logic applied you understand what the cat is whining about. For mine its either: "I want (your) food", "I want you to clean my cat box", or "I want to go outside". Hence, combined with what's happening, you're likely to get to a common understanding.
exclusiv 10y ago
We can't have many discussions if we don't talk in generalities. Of course you can't apply all advice to large groups of people because there's different situations and personalities involved. Yet there are huge industries of people that are advice columnists like the author, psychologists, marriage counselors, etc. The author suggests that the mundane slog of marriage is romantic. So as you reject what some consider "healthy" in this thread, some of us reject the author's definition. Maybe her slog is healthy for her husband and her marriage. I have no idea. But I don't believe that is a reality for most marriages. For every cute old married couple who did the romantic slog together and made it; there's plenty others that didn't and got divorced. Or 100 others that didn't get married because they saw a slog coming. This notion, especially with kids, that you don't have to be husband and wife anymore after being married for some time is a problem in my opinion. Is it beautiful that two people get consumed by kids and make it through the shit together? Sure. But it's also sad because parents get so consumed by kids that they forget to nurture their relationship which existed before. Kids learn a lot from observing that relationship. Daughters learn what a good husband is. Sons learn what a good wife is and how to respect and appreciate her. If they just watch you beaten down all the time being their slaves in their shit show - what do they learn? That they have all the control. And potentially that marriage is what they witnessed. Endless cycle. IMO it's better for every married couple to put in a lot of effort into nurturing their personal relationship with one another than telling themselves the slog of parenting is romantic and being completely consumed by kids and externalities.
- general_ai 10y ago
  I'm not even talking about the article per se. I'm more taken aback by people here saying that if after 10 years of marriage, with career and kids to contend with, you're not having sex every day you're somehow a failure and your relationship is doomed. Could it be that this is not all there is to life? Could it be that a marriage can be quite all right without much stereotypical "romance"? Could it be that people are just different and some of them are quite fine with having no romance or sex for that matter for months at a time? That's something that takes some time and life experience to absorb. In particular, it's not "sad" to be consumed by kids and/or career if that's something you both want. My wife and I have been married for 17 years and "consumed" by kids and careers for 15. We open a bottle of wine every Friday, we go out to a restaurant every now and then -- that's the extent of our "romance" at this point. And you know what? It's great for both of us. Before someone jumps in with manufactured outrage, no, I don't suggest that you ignore your partner or tolerate the lack of "romance" from their side. If that's something you (or they) need in your life, by all means, hash it out and have a mutually agreeable relationship. Just realize that some people are quite happy in other circumstances.

izacus 10y ago

And yet, the original article attempts to do the same kind of generalized painting as well :/

jamesrcole 10y ago

> As someone in late 30's, I look at this thread and shake my head. That comes across a bit smug and also a bit presumptuous about the other people in the thread.

cvvcvv 10y ago

Call me crazy but I would never marry a woman who prefers cats to dogs.

odiroot 10y ago
I would agree 100% but it still sound a little bit silly. I cannot even say why do I care so much about this.
pluma 10y ago
Call me crazy but I probably wouldn't be nearly as happy if my wife weren't a cat person.
Ixiaus 10y ago
Then, my partner and I are both crazy. Life's going to surprise you when you discover how failure prone generalizations are :)

andrewclunn 10y ago

Yeah. This is great for those seeking contentment alone. A lot of it struck me as making excuses for letting herself go. I realize that my wife and I have a much more "power couple" style deal. Of course it's going to vary from couple to couple. Perhaps there should be a browser extension that just inserts "to me" or "in my opinion" after declarative sentences.

91bananas 10y ago
A lot of your comment struck me as you think you're better than her and most of this community.

Fnoord 10y ago

Your cat or your dog may not understand your language, but they very well do understand the tone you say things. (If not, at the very least you can teach them this.) Cats themselves know very well how to whine, and with some logic applied you understand what the cat is whining about. For mine its either: "I want (your) food", "I want you to clean my cat box", or "I want to go outside". Hence, combined with what's happening, you're likely to get to a common understanding.

exclusiv 10y ago

We can't have many discussions if we don't talk in generalities. Of course you can't apply all advice to large groups of people because there's different situations and personalities involved. Yet there are huge industries of people that are advice columnists like the author, psychologists, marriage counselors, etc. The author suggests that the mundane slog of marriage is romantic. So as you reject what some consider "healthy" in this thread, some of us reject the author's definition. Maybe her slog is healthy for her husband and her marriage. I have no idea. But I don't believe that is a reality for most marriages. For every cute old married couple who did the romantic slog together and made it; there's plenty others that didn't and got divorced. Or 100 others that didn't get married because they saw a slog coming. This notion, especially with kids, that you don't have to be husband and wife anymore after being married for some time is a problem in my opinion. Is it beautiful that two people get consumed by kids and make it through the shit together? Sure. But it's also sad because parents get so consumed by kids that they forget to nurture their relationship which existed before. Kids learn a lot from observing that relationship. Daughters learn what a good husband is. Sons learn what a good wife is and how to respect and appreciate her. If they just watch you beaten down all the time being their slaves in their shit show - what do they learn? That they have all the control. And potentially that marriage is what they witnessed. Endless cycle. IMO it's better for every married couple to put in a lot of effort into nurturing their personal relationship with one another than telling themselves the slog of parenting is romantic and being completely consumed by kids and externalities.

general_ai 10y ago
I'm not even talking about the article per se. I'm more taken aback by people here saying that if after 10 years of marriage, with career and kids to contend with, you're not having sex every day you're somehow a failure and your relationship is doomed. Could it be that this is not all there is to life? Could it be that a marriage can be quite all right without much stereotypical "romance"? Could it be that people are just different and some of them are quite fine with having no romance or sex for that matter for months at a time? That's something that takes some time and life experience to absorb. In particular, it's not "sad" to be consumed by kids and/or career if that's something you both want. My wife and I have been married for 17 years and "consumed" by kids and careers for 15. We open a bottle of wine every Friday, we go out to a restaurant every now and then -- that's the extent of our "romance" at this point. And you know what? It's great for both of us. Before someone jumps in with manufactured outrage, no, I don't suggest that you ignore your partner or tolerate the lack of "romance" from their side. If that's something you (or they) need in your life, by all means, hash it out and have a mutually agreeable relationship. Just realize that some people are quite happy in other circumstances.