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> By the end of our first year, we have stamped on our baby brains a pretty indelible template of how we think relationships work, based on how our parents or o

> By the end of our first year, we have stamped on our baby brains a pretty indelible template of how we think relationships work, based on how our parents or other primary caregivers treat us. It seems that the article is stating that one's attachment system is developed primarily in their first year of life? If attachment theory is true, I would've guessed that the first ten or twelve years of life would all contribute. > [many people] are insecurely attached because their early experiences were suboptimal (their caregivers were distracted, overbearing, dismissive, unreliable, absent or perhaps threatening)... If the first year is the formative year for one's attachment disposition, the meaning of "overbearing" is much different than say, it would be for a ten year old or early teenager. I'm curious what period of life these studies were looking at.

Nrsolis 10y ago
At the risk of becoming a target for abuse, one of the big breakthroughs I had in therapy was connecting with a therapist who was able to use attachment theory to help me understand my feelings and emotions in the context of romantic relationships. As a child, I lost my mother to cancer and my father was alternatively abusive or absent. I carried those scars forward into adulthood. Therapy grounded partly in attachment theory helped me and I'm glad to see it gaining ground as a useful tool to help people.
- Domenic_S 10y ago
  I'm glad that worked for you. I heard somewhere in my teens a doctor who said essentially that we spend our adult lives trying to recreate our childhood relationships and if we find our adult relationships lacking, that connection is the first place to investigate.
- mrec 10y ago
  I'm curious - why were you worried that this comment might make you a target for abuse?
  - tutufan 10y ago
    There's certainly plenty of abuse posted in response to comments here.
  - Nrsolis 10y ago
    To admit any weakness in terms of mental hygiene is taboo. Even today. It's forever an invitation for others to question your actions/moods/beliefs as somehow entirely subject to past injury or affliction. We link personality with mind as a society. Admitting to a sickness of the mind is a prelude to admitting to a sickness of personality. I take great pains to manage my illness and practice good hygiene. It's more upkeep for me than maybe for others and I'm forever going to shoulder this burden. I have good days and bad days. Part of the therapy is learning how to distinguish the actions I take because of past feelings from those sourced from my true self. It's not always easy.
- mr_spothawk 10y ago
  Thanks for saying this. In the past two years, the best money I've spent has been A) therapy focused on "mindfulness" and attachment theory & B) supporting myself (instead of working for a paycheck) in order to find compelling work. Those two things are about equal (today) in terms of money spent, but the former added up much more slowly than the latter. I'd add, I think the word "mindfulness" is awful and over-hyped. But when the definition of Mindfulness is "judgement free situational awareness", I find that it's a compelling and incredibly helpful practice. One other thing, I strapped myself into a 'brainwave game' the other day at some science museum. My mindfulness practice typically starts with feeling the bottoms of my feet in my shoes, or the socks bunching up between my toes and the ball of my foot. The data coming out of the brainwave exhibit was displayed on a monitor & moved a ball across a table (magnets?). Immediately after beginning to focus on my feet, the ball shot across the table & the output on the monitor shot to its highest level & stayed there. I didn't see anybody else with the ability to do this while I watched other folks use the exhibit. So that was cool... but I don't know if that qualifies A as money well spent or not ;)
  - lobotryas 10y ago
    I'd love to hear more about these two things you've done for yourself. Is there a way we can get in touch?
    - mr_spothawk 10y ago
      sure, I put an email in my profile. eager to hear from you. hit me up :)
obstinate 10y ago
This finding is also stressing me out. My son is 2 1/2 years old. Did I love him enough in his first year? Any way for me to tell? The article seems light on such details.
- Domenic_S 10y ago
  If you're asking the question, the answer is probably "yes". :)
- rbjorklin 10y ago
  Look for "The strange situation" on YouTube :)
- bildung 10y ago
  > This finding is also stressing me out. My son is 2 1/2 years old. Did I love him enough in his first year? Any way for me to tell? (Educational scientist here, psychology was part of my studies. I'm not a psychologist, though.) Don't stress yourself. If you're loving your kid and are able to physically show it, e.g. you're able to cuddle your son, hold him when something bad happened etc., then you have the first major factor in check. You should be the calm and readily available ressource for emotional warmth if the kid needs it. The second factor is consistency: Identical child behaviour should produce identical parental reactions. E.g. "Look dad, I built something awesome!" shouldn't generate a "Oh great!" on day one and "I don't want to see that crap, I'm tired from work" on day two. The same goes for negative behavior. That makes it easier for the child to grasp the external actions as results of own behavior, thus easing the development of self-efficacy. It's perfectly fine to be stressed out from work, BTW! It should just be clear for the kid that this is not the kid's fault. The difference with helicopter parents: It's perfectly fine for the kid to throw a tantrum if it's not getting that muffin just before lunch. If your reasoning is rational and consistent, it's fine to enforce that calmly. And it's fine for the kid to be pissed. It's perfectly fine for the kid to do risky things on the playground. If the kid hurts itself, comfort it, and that's it.
  - obstinate 10y ago
    Consistency is probably our biggest weakness. We try but we are not as disciplined as we should be. Thanks for the reality check.
_98fj 10y ago
> It seems that the article is stating that one's attachment system is developed primarily in their first year of life? If attachment theory is true, I would've guessed that the first ten or twelve years of life would all contribute. Habitual reactions of trust and mistrust are formed at this early age. But these are just feelings. Children older than babies can start working around them, as their relationships become more complex. They can develop strategies to resolve problems. Find compromises. Work on tensions in their inner life. Those capabilities are learned over the course of the childhood and they are essential tools for children to grow up and eventually be free of the dictate of their emotions.

Nrsolis 10y ago

At the risk of becoming a target for abuse, one of the big breakthroughs I had in therapy was connecting with a therapist who was able to use attachment theory to help me understand my feelings and emotions in the context of romantic relationships. As a child, I lost my mother to cancer and my father was alternatively abusive or absent. I carried those scars forward into adulthood. Therapy grounded partly in attachment theory helped me and I'm glad to see it gaining ground as a useful tool to help people.

Domenic_S 10y ago
I'm glad that worked for you. I heard somewhere in my teens a doctor who said essentially that we spend our adult lives trying to recreate our childhood relationships and if we find our adult relationships lacking, that connection is the first place to investigate.
mrec 10y ago
I'm curious - why were you worried that this comment might make you a target for abuse?
- tutufan 10y ago
  There's certainly plenty of abuse posted in response to comments here.
- Nrsolis 10y ago
  To admit any weakness in terms of mental hygiene is taboo. Even today. It's forever an invitation for others to question your actions/moods/beliefs as somehow entirely subject to past injury or affliction. We link personality with mind as a society. Admitting to a sickness of the mind is a prelude to admitting to a sickness of personality. I take great pains to manage my illness and practice good hygiene. It's more upkeep for me than maybe for others and I'm forever going to shoulder this burden. I have good days and bad days. Part of the therapy is learning how to distinguish the actions I take because of past feelings from those sourced from my true self. It's not always easy.
mr_spothawk 10y ago
Thanks for saying this. In the past two years, the best money I've spent has been A) therapy focused on "mindfulness" and attachment theory & B) supporting myself (instead of working for a paycheck) in order to find compelling work. Those two things are about equal (today) in terms of money spent, but the former added up much more slowly than the latter. I'd add, I think the word "mindfulness" is awful and over-hyped. But when the definition of Mindfulness is "judgement free situational awareness", I find that it's a compelling and incredibly helpful practice. One other thing, I strapped myself into a 'brainwave game' the other day at some science museum. My mindfulness practice typically starts with feeling the bottoms of my feet in my shoes, or the socks bunching up between my toes and the ball of my foot. The data coming out of the brainwave exhibit was displayed on a monitor & moved a ball across a table (magnets?). Immediately after beginning to focus on my feet, the ball shot across the table & the output on the monitor shot to its highest level & stayed there. I didn't see anybody else with the ability to do this while I watched other folks use the exhibit. So that was cool... but I don't know if that qualifies A as money well spent or not ;)
- lobotryas 10y ago
  I'd love to hear more about these two things you've done for yourself. Is there a way we can get in touch?
  - mr_spothawk 10y ago
    sure, I put an email in my profile. eager to hear from you. hit me up :)

obstinate 10y ago

This finding is also stressing me out. My son is 2 1/2 years old. Did I love him enough in his first year? Any way for me to tell? The article seems light on such details.

Domenic_S 10y ago
If you're asking the question, the answer is probably "yes". :)
rbjorklin 10y ago
Look for "The strange situation" on YouTube :)
bildung 10y ago
> This finding is also stressing me out. My son is 2 1/2 years old. Did I love him enough in his first year? Any way for me to tell? (Educational scientist here, psychology was part of my studies. I'm not a psychologist, though.) Don't stress yourself. If you're loving your kid and are able to physically show it, e.g. you're able to cuddle your son, hold him when something bad happened etc., then you have the first major factor in check. You should be the calm and readily available ressource for emotional warmth if the kid needs it. The second factor is consistency: Identical child behaviour should produce identical parental reactions. E.g. "Look dad, I built something awesome!" shouldn't generate a "Oh great!" on day one and "I don't want to see that crap, I'm tired from work" on day two. The same goes for negative behavior. That makes it easier for the child to grasp the external actions as results of own behavior, thus easing the development of self-efficacy. It's perfectly fine to be stressed out from work, BTW! It should just be clear for the kid that this is not the kid's fault. The difference with helicopter parents: It's perfectly fine for the kid to throw a tantrum if it's not getting that muffin just before lunch. If your reasoning is rational and consistent, it's fine to enforce that calmly. And it's fine for the kid to be pissed. It's perfectly fine for the kid to do risky things on the playground. If the kid hurts itself, comfort it, and that's it.
- obstinate 10y ago
  Consistency is probably our biggest weakness. We try but we are not as disciplined as we should be. Thanks for the reality check.

_98fj 10y ago

> It seems that the article is stating that one's attachment system is developed primarily in their first year of life? If attachment theory is true, I would've guessed that the first ten or twelve years of life would all contribute. Habitual reactions of trust and mistrust are formed at this early age. But these are just feelings. Children older than babies can start working around them, as their relationships become more complex. They can develop strategies to resolve problems. Find compromises. Work on tensions in their inner life. Those capabilities are learned over the course of the childhood and they are essential tools for children to grow up and eventually be free of the dictate of their emotions.