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My wife used to work but has spent the last 7 years as a stay at home mom. There is nothing easy about being a stay at home parent, it is a full time job. We h

My wife used to work but has spent the last 7 years as a stay at home mom. There is nothing easy about being a stay at home parent, it is a full time job. We had some adjustment when it changed but there are some awesome benefits to it if you treat both of each other fairly. You have to remember if she does stay home that she will have a full time job. Your jobs will differ but neither is more valuable then the other and neither of you have a lock on having it easy. My wife takes her "job" of managing the house and raising the kids seriously and I have tons of respect that she can do it and that I don't have to worry about dinners and tons of little details of managing a household. At the same time, she needs a break from time to time no different then you need a day or two off every so often. Different then a vacation just a break. Honestly it will take some adjustment but it has been one of our best moves for a whole host of reasons. If you have specific questions let me know, not that I have all the answers but happy to share any experience I have.

simonebrunozzi 10y ago
Hey Davis, thanks for sharing your experience. It is helpful (and promising!). I guess at this point my questions are semi-specific, given that we are only considering the switch. The first couple that come to mind: 1) How did you deal with the financial side of it? Besides the fact that I guess you pay for every household expense, I guess she has a small stipend from you to buy her own stuff? 2) How is this seen from your respective parents? Did they raise concerns, doubts, or were they cool with it? 3) What's the single biggest issue that you had because of this switch? Thanks!
- davismwfl 10y ago
  1. Joint account. What money is made is for the family we don't have a concept of mine or hers. What we agree to is a budget for misc expenses for both of us. If either of us wants to buy something over a certain dollar amount then we talk about it and make it happen. As for presents we generally use a credit card and pay the bill when it comes due but this keeps the gift "hidden" until the special occasion. 2. We are both in our 40's and on second marriage so honestly probably not as relevant. But I'll tell you we both learned from our prior relationships that finding what works for us is more important then what anyone else thinks or what anyone's opinion is but our own. Easier said I know but it is very true. 3. Finding balance. Agreeing what the split of responsibility was and working through it. To complicate our situation a little I started working from home about 2 years after we made the switch. Which then meant I basically invaded her "space" all day and through off her schedule. So that was honestly the single biggest issue we have had to figure out. It took probably 2 years, no shit, to figure it all out. Question you didn't ask. She has to feel in equal control like a solid partnership over things like the finances etc. one of you might be better at day to day management of finances so let that person do it but never should she have to ask you for money just cause you have the income producing job. That is a receipt for divorce, resentment and overall leads to control issues. Also make sure she keeps active credit in her name only too. Don't let her credit suffer just cause she isn't actively working. Keep a credit card in her name and keep it current of course. This is really important for both of you. Last point, communication about everything and each of your expectations will make it way easier. You don't have to initially agree but you have to come to an understanding about all the big stuff. Like division of responsibility, finance etc. Good luck! We love how our situation works but it takes some effort to keep everything good, no different then if you were both working just some different issues.
  - simonebrunozzi 10y ago
    Wow, this is gold for me. I really thank you for sharing it. I hope you realize how difficult it is for me/us to think about this "topic" and be able to start planning for some version of it, without much data or friends in similar situations to rely on. Luckily, most of your advice is very close to what we have already implemented (she has worked for only 3 years over the last seven, primarily because of visa requirements etc - we moved from Europe to Singapore, then US), and I never had her ask for money. She also has her own bank account which I make sure never gets too low, and where she usually collects most of her work income. She's also very good at spending money only on good things, and not wasting it (which otherwise would have made me nervous - e.g. "I work hard to make money, and you spend it on a Gucci bag?"). I also agree that communication between us is important - it has been helpful so far, and I hope it will continue to be in the future.

simonebrunozzi 10y ago

Hey Davis, thanks for sharing your experience. It is helpful (and promising!). I guess at this point my questions are semi-specific, given that we are only considering the switch. The first couple that come to mind: 1) How did you deal with the financial side of it? Besides the fact that I guess you pay for every household expense, I guess she has a small stipend from you to buy her own stuff? 2) How is this seen from your respective parents? Did they raise concerns, doubts, or were they cool with it? 3) What's the single biggest issue that you had because of this switch? Thanks!

davismwfl 10y ago
1. Joint account. What money is made is for the family we don't have a concept of mine or hers. What we agree to is a budget for misc expenses for both of us. If either of us wants to buy something over a certain dollar amount then we talk about it and make it happen. As for presents we generally use a credit card and pay the bill when it comes due but this keeps the gift "hidden" until the special occasion. 2. We are both in our 40's and on second marriage so honestly probably not as relevant. But I'll tell you we both learned from our prior relationships that finding what works for us is more important then what anyone else thinks or what anyone's opinion is but our own. Easier said I know but it is very true. 3. Finding balance. Agreeing what the split of responsibility was and working through it. To complicate our situation a little I started working from home about 2 years after we made the switch. Which then meant I basically invaded her "space" all day and through off her schedule. So that was honestly the single biggest issue we have had to figure out. It took probably 2 years, no shit, to figure it all out. Question you didn't ask. She has to feel in equal control like a solid partnership over things like the finances etc. one of you might be better at day to day management of finances so let that person do it but never should she have to ask you for money just cause you have the income producing job. That is a receipt for divorce, resentment and overall leads to control issues. Also make sure she keeps active credit in her name only too. Don't let her credit suffer just cause she isn't actively working. Keep a credit card in her name and keep it current of course. This is really important for both of you. Last point, communication about everything and each of your expectations will make it way easier. You don't have to initially agree but you have to come to an understanding about all the big stuff. Like division of responsibility, finance etc. Good luck! We love how our situation works but it takes some effort to keep everything good, no different then if you were both working just some different issues.
- simonebrunozzi 10y ago
  Wow, this is gold for me. I really thank you for sharing it. I hope you realize how difficult it is for me/us to think about this "topic" and be able to start planning for some version of it, without much data or friends in similar situations to rely on. Luckily, most of your advice is very close to what we have already implemented (she has worked for only 3 years over the last seven, primarily because of visa requirements etc - we moved from Europe to Singapore, then US), and I never had her ask for money. She also has her own bank account which I make sure never gets too low, and where she usually collects most of her work income. She's also very good at spending money only on good things, and not wasting it (which otherwise would have made me nervous - e.g. "I work hard to make money, and you spend it on a Gucci bag?"). I also agree that communication between us is important - it has been helpful so far, and I hope it will continue to be in the future.