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You probably know to ask yourself “What do I want?” Here’s a way better question

64 points by pps 10y ago

pps 10y ago
And if you want to improve your resilience, you can study stoicism. You can start your journey with https://www.reddit.com/r/Stoicism/wiki/faq https://www.reddit.com/r/Stoicism/wiki/faq There is also good book: "Developing Resilience: A Cognitive-Behavioural Approach" by Michael Neenan
RangerScience 10y ago
> what pain do you want in your life? > A more interesting question, a question that perhaps you’ve never considered before, is what pain do you want in your life? What are you willing to struggle for? Because that seems to be a greater determinant of how our lives turn out. > The daily drudgery of practicing, the logistics of finding a group and rehearsing, the pain of finding gigs and actually getting people to show up and give a shit. The broken strings, the blown tube amp, hauling 40 pounds of gear to and from rehearsals with no car. It’s a mountain of a dream and a mile-high climb to the top. And what it took me a long time to discover is that I didn’t like to climb much. I just liked to imagine the top. It's an amazing point, but the article's kind of meh; I think these two selections convey the TL;DR. It also rings SUPER true. A few times in my life now, it's felt like the Universe has handed me what I asked for... only with strings attached that I couldn't stomach. I also keep thinking back to a friend who's immensely passionate about gardening and food. I met her when she was a Disney Imagineer, and now other people fly her around the world, so she can live in their houses and cook them food. And any time I think or encounter anything interesting food related? She's who I turn too. Watching her trajectory is seriously changing my idea as to what "passion" is, looks like, and results in.
- sean_patel 10y ago
  > it's felt like the Universe has handed me what I asked for... only with strings attached that I couldn't stomach. This. Very beautifully put. I've had a similar experience w.r.t. my chosen career. I was a boxing standout in the amateurs, and despite all the "heads-up" I received (unsolicited) from my Indian Uncles and Aunties, I was drawn to sport for 2 reasons. 1) The glamour of a Prize Fighter, making a ton of $ and getting all the women (Ali , Sugar Ray Robinson, Roberto Duran are all said to have had women lining outside their hotel room after a fight) 2) I was very gifted and being Indian-American I was told that I would have a great "outside the ring" story that would be intriguing and sell tickets etc. I was walking down opponents with ease and was winning shut-outs (on scorecards). Got noticed at the National level, even got inquiries from the folks running the Olympic Trials. Then, 1 day, I was sparring without head-gear and walked right into a straight right. My nose was broken and I was bleeding for a while. It hurt so much. That's when I realized I literally didn't have the stomach to take a real beating, not to mention the head-shots that cause long-term brain damage. Until that night, I never gave the health-concerns any real thought. I slept over it, and the next day, I told my coach (in person) that I was done. I was expecting him to convince me to stay on because he was with me for nearly 10 years and he had great plans for me, but he said nothing. He later told me that my eyes told him all he needed to know. In that sense, you could say that I couldn't stomach the "down side" of being a Boxer. And so here I am, a code-monkey sitting inside a cube, talking to my computer. Oh well. I still feel like I "pussied-out" because in Boxing, you need 3 things to be successful - Ring-IQ (it's a thinking man's sport), the Chin (or you get KOed easily) and Heart (will-power). I guess I didn't have the heart.
  - Vanit 10y ago
    Great story, thanks for sharing!
deleted 10y ago
[deleted]
acconrad 10y ago
Better to at least try something out and find it not worth pursuing to the all-star level than not at all. That's another funny thing about us Americans, success is an all-or-nothing endeavor: if you pursue a passion and it doesn't lead to total domination and fulfillment, it must be a failure. I, too, had dreams of being a musician. I started a band in college, we played a bunch of times, made an EP and played for literally thousands of people. But we never toured the country, and after talking with lots of other bands, realized it wasn't worth it. Same thing with DJing. I've opened for international acts and played in front of thousands at hundreds of gigs. But to "make it" I'd have to suck up to a slimy industry that just wasn't worth it to me. But I don't consider it a failure that I didn't turn into Calvin Harris because I didn't want it bad enough. I pursued a passion to a certain level, and realized the roadblock to achieving the next level wasn't worth it to me. To me this all just seems part of being human. You try a bunch of stuff until some of it sticks. I'd provide further advice that you at least try. Better to fail/try and know the fantasy isn't worth it, than never try at all and wonder for the rest of your life.
- sean_patel 10y ago
  > But to "make it" I'd have to suck up to a slimy industry that just wasn't worth it to me. Wow! Didn't know that about the DJ-ing Industry. My nephew is all into the EDM scene. 15 years old. Should I break it to him, or let him find out himself? Also, you are a software engineer I take it? If not, what is your current profession? Just curious :)
  - acconrad 10y ago
    Let him find out himself. Maybe he can hack it, maybe he can't, but also maybe he'll be okay with partial success. Better to let him explore and decide than decide for him. Yes, I am a software engineering by profession :)
    - sean_patel 10y ago
      Thank you :)
pps 10y ago
This is another good article about developing discipline and doing hard things: "At some point, to be healthy, you do need to suck it up and eat some broccoli! And for many days in a row. Or, more to the point: The “failure point” with any new system; any method of improvement; any proposed solution to a life problem or an organization problem, is when the homeostatic regulation kicks in, when we realize some part of it will be hard, new, or unnatural." https://www.farnamstreetblog.com/2016/10/eat-the-broccoli/ https://www.farnamstreetblog.com/2016/10/eat-the-broccoli/
squozzer 10y ago
Reading this, a certain passage from The Screwtape Letters popped into my head -- rather incompletely, so I found the passage and bring it here. "The Enemy allows this disappointment to occur on the threshold of every human endeavour. It occurs when the boy who has been enchanted in the nursery by Stories from the Odyssey buckles down to really learning Greek. It occurs when lovers have got married and begin the real task of learning to live together. In every department of life it marks the transition from dreaming aspiration to laborious doing. The Enemy takes this risk because He has a curious fantasy of making all these disgusting little human vermin into what He calls His ‘free’ lovers and servants—’sons’ is the word He uses, with His inveterate love of degrading the whole spiritual world by unnatural liaisons with the two-legged animals. Desiring their freedom, He therefore refuses to carry them, by their mere affections and habits, to any of the goals which He sets before them: He leaves them to ‘do it on their own’. And there lies our opportunity. But also, remember there lies our danger. If once they get through this initial dryness successfully, they become much less dependent on emotion and therefore much harder to tempt...."
calebm 10y ago
"Suffer the pain of discipline, or suffer the pain of regret.”

64 points by pps 10y ago

pps 10y ago

And if you want to improve your resilience, you can study stoicism. You can start your journey with https://www.reddit.com/r/Stoicism/wiki/faq https://www.reddit.com/r/Stoicism/wiki/faq There is also good book: "Developing Resilience: A Cognitive-Behavioural Approach" by Michael Neenan

RangerScience 10y ago

> what pain do you want in your life? > A more interesting question, a question that perhaps you’ve never considered before, is what pain do you want in your life? What are you willing to struggle for? Because that seems to be a greater determinant of how our lives turn out. > The daily drudgery of practicing, the logistics of finding a group and rehearsing, the pain of finding gigs and actually getting people to show up and give a shit. The broken strings, the blown tube amp, hauling 40 pounds of gear to and from rehearsals with no car. It’s a mountain of a dream and a mile-high climb to the top. And what it took me a long time to discover is that I didn’t like to climb much. I just liked to imagine the top. It's an amazing point, but the article's kind of meh; I think these two selections convey the TL;DR. It also rings SUPER true. A few times in my life now, it's felt like the Universe has handed me what I asked for... only with strings attached that I couldn't stomach. I also keep thinking back to a friend who's immensely passionate about gardening and food. I met her when she was a Disney Imagineer, and now other people fly her around the world, so she can live in their houses and cook them food. And any time I think or encounter anything interesting food related? She's who I turn too. Watching her trajectory is seriously changing my idea as to what "passion" is, looks like, and results in.

sean_patel 10y ago
> it's felt like the Universe has handed me what I asked for... only with strings attached that I couldn't stomach. This. Very beautifully put. I've had a similar experience w.r.t. my chosen career. I was a boxing standout in the amateurs, and despite all the "heads-up" I received (unsolicited) from my Indian Uncles and Aunties, I was drawn to sport for 2 reasons. 1) The glamour of a Prize Fighter, making a ton of $ and getting all the women (Ali , Sugar Ray Robinson, Roberto Duran are all said to have had women lining outside their hotel room after a fight) 2) I was very gifted and being Indian-American I was told that I would have a great "outside the ring" story that would be intriguing and sell tickets etc. I was walking down opponents with ease and was winning shut-outs (on scorecards). Got noticed at the National level, even got inquiries from the folks running the Olympic Trials. Then, 1 day, I was sparring without head-gear and walked right into a straight right. My nose was broken and I was bleeding for a while. It hurt so much. That's when I realized I literally didn't have the stomach to take a real beating, not to mention the head-shots that cause long-term brain damage. Until that night, I never gave the health-concerns any real thought. I slept over it, and the next day, I told my coach (in person) that I was done. I was expecting him to convince me to stay on because he was with me for nearly 10 years and he had great plans for me, but he said nothing. He later told me that my eyes told him all he needed to know. In that sense, you could say that I couldn't stomach the "down side" of being a Boxer. And so here I am, a code-monkey sitting inside a cube, talking to my computer. Oh well. I still feel like I "pussied-out" because in Boxing, you need 3 things to be successful - Ring-IQ (it's a thinking man's sport), the Chin (or you get KOed easily) and Heart (will-power). I guess I didn't have the heart.
- Vanit 10y ago
  Great story, thanks for sharing!

deleted 10y ago

[deleted]

acconrad 10y ago

Better to at least try something out and find it not worth pursuing to the all-star level than not at all. That's another funny thing about us Americans, success is an all-or-nothing endeavor: if you pursue a passion and it doesn't lead to total domination and fulfillment, it must be a failure. I, too, had dreams of being a musician. I started a band in college, we played a bunch of times, made an EP and played for literally thousands of people. But we never toured the country, and after talking with lots of other bands, realized it wasn't worth it. Same thing with DJing. I've opened for international acts and played in front of thousands at hundreds of gigs. But to "make it" I'd have to suck up to a slimy industry that just wasn't worth it to me. But I don't consider it a failure that I didn't turn into Calvin Harris because I didn't want it bad enough. I pursued a passion to a certain level, and realized the roadblock to achieving the next level wasn't worth it to me. To me this all just seems part of being human. You try a bunch of stuff until some of it sticks. I'd provide further advice that you at least try. Better to fail/try and know the fantasy isn't worth it, than never try at all and wonder for the rest of your life.

sean_patel 10y ago
> But to "make it" I'd have to suck up to a slimy industry that just wasn't worth it to me. Wow! Didn't know that about the DJ-ing Industry. My nephew is all into the EDM scene. 15 years old. Should I break it to him, or let him find out himself? Also, you are a software engineer I take it? If not, what is your current profession? Just curious :)
- acconrad 10y ago
  Let him find out himself. Maybe he can hack it, maybe he can't, but also maybe he'll be okay with partial success. Better to let him explore and decide than decide for him. Yes, I am a software engineering by profession :)
  - sean_patel 10y ago
    Thank you :)

pps 10y ago

This is another good article about developing discipline and doing hard things: "At some point, to be healthy, you do need to suck it up and eat some broccoli! And for many days in a row. Or, more to the point: The “failure point” with any new system; any method of improvement; any proposed solution to a life problem or an organization problem, is when the homeostatic regulation kicks in, when we realize some part of it will be hard, new, or unnatural." https://www.farnamstreetblog.com/2016/10/eat-the-broccoli/ https://www.farnamstreetblog.com/2016/10/eat-the-broccoli/

squozzer 10y ago

Reading this, a certain passage from The Screwtape Letters popped into my head -- rather incompletely, so I found the passage and bring it here. "The Enemy allows this disappointment to occur on the threshold of every human endeavour. It occurs when the boy who has been enchanted in the nursery by Stories from the Odyssey buckles down to really learning Greek. It occurs when lovers have got married and begin the real task of learning to live together. In every department of life it marks the transition from dreaming aspiration to laborious doing. The Enemy takes this risk because He has a curious fantasy of making all these disgusting little human vermin into what He calls His ‘free’ lovers and servants—’sons’ is the word He uses, with His inveterate love of degrading the whole spiritual world by unnatural liaisons with the two-legged animals. Desiring their freedom, He therefore refuses to carry them, by their mere affections and habits, to any of the goals which He sets before them: He leaves them to ‘do it on their own’. And there lies our opportunity. But also, remember there lies our danger. If once they get through this initial dryness successfully, they become much less dependent on emotion and therefore much harder to tempt...."

calebm 10y ago

"Suffer the pain of discipline, or suffer the pain of regret.”