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>Say no to social events that promise little meaningful interaction. That's a horrible one. Minor details are the bricks of a relationship, the closer you are
by mandelbulb 10y ago
>Say no to social events that promise little meaningful interaction.
That's a horrible one. Minor details are the bricks of a relationship, the closer you are the more bricks--in quantity or quality--you contribute. If you don't have any bricks to offer, it is difficult to establish or to sustain a relationship.
For instance, small after work gatherings often seem a waste of time, especially to those who aren't innately fond of socializing or unable to proficiently judge the value of such, yet exactly these have a chance to provide a more intimate atmosphere. Also, even a single wasteful meet-up might count as a step and with some number of steps you'd also cover a bit of distance.
As such, it isn't that there aren't meaningless meetings but it's the recommendation to evaluate and avoid such that is misleading.
Instead, one should be aware that because one has to invest energy to socialize one automatically tends to avoid doing so at all, which again reduces the amount one can store.
Hence, do not avoid spending your energy supply but learn to judge the highest and to improve your returns on investment. What good return supposed to be is subjective but one shouldn't forget that profound happiness and success is build not suddenly acquired.
>7. Have more meaningful conversations and less small talk. Research suggests that the happiest people have twice as many meaningful conversations—and do less surface-level chitchat—than the unhappiest.
Avoiding small talk won't lead you to more meaningful discussions. It's common sense that people are happier if they found someone to converse with more in-depth but that doesn't reduce the value of small talk.
You can't reach the station of happiness by skipping the traveling part, and traveling is often like long grinding work.
By the way, inversion isn't about the ability to socialize. The lack thereof is just a consequence of a more isolated course of life.
- DiamondFox 10y agoI partly agree with you (especially about #7) though as someone who's currently working on expanding his circle of friends, some social gatherings (I use Meetup.com a lot) provide better opportunities than others: noisy bars/restaurants where it's almost impossible to have conversation beyond a sentence a couple words long, limit the ability to get to know someone and find what you have in common/build rapport. Same goes for movies.
- majewsky 10y ago> noisy bars/restaurants where it's almost impossible to have conversation beyond a sentence a couple words long I'm seriously asking myself how anyone can enjoy these.
- Kiro 10y agoWhy would I want to add bricks to relationships I have no interest in? You fail to understand that socializing simply isn't high priority for some people.
- mandelbulb 10y agoHave you even read the paragraph of the first point that I'm criticizing? It's about people who want to socialize but frustrate themselves doing so. Not to mention that it is on you to set the bar of the relationship you want to pursue and I never implied otherwise.
- Kiro 10y ago> It's about people who want to socialize but frustrate themselves doing so. Where does it say that? I read it as you should just embrace your introvert gut-feeling and not attend social events just because it would be "abnormal" not to. I struggle with this myself and think it's a great advice. Some people are just not the social type and there's nothing wrong with that.
- SomeStupidPoint 10y agoThe kind of conversation is highly environmental: I'm about 100x as likely to have a serious conversation at a hacker meetup as a random night at the bar. That doesn't mean there's no small talk at a hacker meetup, but rather, if I'm looking to optimize the number of deep conversations to chitchat, some social settings are better than others. So avoiding "normal" bar chitchat to attend meet-ups focused on topics with deep potential does lead to more meaningful discussions. (And hacker meetups are fun in that sometimes, people join on deep conversations and only then feel comfortable moving on to small talk, rather than the usual reverse.)
- mandelbulb 10y agoThe nuanced difference between avoiding small talk and pursuing deeper conversations is quite significant since telling people to avoid superficial talk usually leads to the misunderstanding of the value of such. Starting out with a topical interaction is often the easiest way to establish a relationship and one can become quite close despite restricting each other to serious topics. But, there will always be a serious limit to how far you can go with just that. It is quite difficult to call someone a friend if you never shared something personal and trivia, but it works well if your aim is to stop at a working relationship with that colleague. And don't forget that the 7th point is about the general approach to socializing or life rather than specific gatherings only, hence my broad descriptions. >I'm about 100x as likely to have a serious conversation at a hacker meetup as a random night at the bar. That is actually not a valid comparison. If you meet with someone of some common interest in a bar there's little preventing you from having a serious debate. You just need to seek out a location that allows you to converse comfortably.