4 ms·

From my perspective, I think most people want to be socially isolated, or at the very least, never change their social bubble. After completing school, I didn't

by navait 10y ago

From my perspective, I think most people want to be socially isolated, or at the very least, never change their social bubble. After completing school, I didn't want to be lonely when living in the working world. So I bought a few books on socializing, picked up swing dance, went to meetups, took adult education classes and volunteered in the US election. After 16 months of continuous practice, I have made 0 friends. Conversations with strangers, yes. I got contact information, was religious about following up, but people who agreed to do something with me in the future suddenly didn't respond to my messages. Attempted to have a few gatherings at my apartment and despite the people I invited saying they would come, nobody showed up. Why even bother if people won't meet you a tenth of the way?

tdfx 10y ago
Just like anything else, people want social interactions that are stimulating and rewarding. Being around other people for the sake of being around other warm bodies is typically not very interesting for most people. Who has no shortage of friends? People with obvious value propositions. Rich or influential people. Well connected people. Good looking people. People who already have a lot of friends. It's strange to think about it in economic terms, but I've found it's a very useful abstraction.
- navait 10y ago
  I am rich, and don't have many friends.
  - tdfx 10y ago
    Well, money itself really doesn't put you ahead. You can be a rich guy who owns a bunch of real estate and nobody would notice. Buy the Miss USA pageant and all of a sudden lots of beautiful girls really want to get to know you. If you're not that rich, settle for being the money guy of a popular nightclub.
- JoeAltmaier 10y ago
  Maybe for some obvious exception cases. But for the bulk of the bell curve, who are not particularly influential or handsome, it's more to do with coincidence of social position. Lucking into a friendly crowd at work for instance.
  - tdfx 10y ago
    Sure, social position is influence. In my experience, people have been more impressed by social position than wealth.
- gooseus 10y ago
  I find that simply making people feel comfortable being themselves around you is the easiest way to make friends. I am not attractive, influential, connected or rich, but I also don't expect anything from people... as in I'm not trying to gain anything from them, not that that I have low expectations of people. I find that people appreciate social interactions where they feel comfortable being themselves and don't feel like they have to be on guard or put on a mask lest they find themselves in some kind of obligation or awkward situation.
  - navait 10y ago
    > find that people appreciate social interactions where they feel comfortable How is that done?
    - dwaltrip 10y ago
      Acceptance and empathy. It can take a lot of practice. You need to ascertain where the person is mentally and emotionally, and meet them there.
    - deleted 10y ago
      [deleted]
    - gooseus 10y ago
      It's not easy until it is, but it didn't really come naturally to me. Acceptance and empathy are important as my sibling mentioned already, but those are hard things to just "do". I've been continuously trending toward more comfortable in my own skin as I've gotten older, though I've also actively worked toward breaking down my internal belief systems and assumptions about people, the world and what people expect of me. I've done that by exploring a lot of psychology, philosophy, spirituality and mind-altering experiences to get out of my own head. I think the most profound effect has been from combination ayahuasca/san pedro plant medicine ceremonies though I don't know how much all the prior work I'd done toward breaking down my ego academically set me up to take advantage of those experiences. I think the biggest thing that makes people feel uncomfortable in social situations is anxiety and insecurity... which are both just forms of fear. Fear of being vulnerable, fear of being perceived as "less than", fear of being rejected or humiliated by exposing too much of yourself. These are all things that might not be conscious thoughts, but the underlying signal does come across in body language, intonation and automatic reactions which can make people feel uneasy. I think the first step is to become more mindful of how you're carrying yourself in social situations, which means focusing less at "succeeding" in a social situation and more seeing about what you can learn from them. How do "successful" socializers carry themselves? How does their reaction compare to how you would have reacted? Why would you have reacted the way you would have and why do you think they reacted the way they did? Eventually you stop thinking about it and you say something you see gets a more positive reaction (like asking an interesting question of someone) and you consciously avoid doing something that probably would have gotten a negative reaction (like bringing the conversation back to yourself for the third time) Another thing that helps is realizing that other people are in the exact same boat for the most part and they aren't judging you as much as you might think and are much more willing to forgive a fuck up. Fucking up in a social situation and not being weird can actually be really good since it's an opportunity to let other people feel like you won't care if they say something stupid... it's like an agreed step down of the social threat level. Alright, prob wrote more than necessary, but soooo bored waiting on this holiday commute.
deleted 10y ago
[deleted]
istorical 10y ago
Sounds like the common denominator in all of these interactions is you. You might want to hire a dating/social coach who can give you candid feedback on how you come across as a friend.
cableshaft 10y ago
I did something similar (continuously went to meetups for two years), but had the exact opposite experience. Now I have more friends than I can realistically keep up with. Just repeatedly showing up to these things and making an effort to talk to these people a bit each time and eventually I stopped being a stranger to people and started getting invited to private events they hosted. It might have helped that the meetups I focused on were often board game related (or movies or dinners or theater) and I'm a board game nut, though. I'm also getting more and move involved with my local writer's group (hosted two writer's workshops last year). I've gone to several software development meetups and had really poor experiences befriending people there. People seem to be more shy or standoff-ish, or the focus is too much on the lecture or 'hacking in a corner' and not on a group activity, so that might be part of it. Oh, also I think too many of those people go to those for 'professional networking' purposes and not to have some fun talking about technology and making some genuine connections, so it feels a little artificial, too.
- fuzzybeard 10y ago
  My experience with "pounding the pavement" at IT conferences has been the same. I'm there to network and learn, but also to make acquaintances and friends. People there tend to be less social than ones at hobby related meetups. Their mindset isn't as social. And I hate to say it, but there's truth to the stereotype that IT people aren't the most socially adept either. It's frustrating when you're trying to make friends to work on an open source collaboration with, or just grab a beer and vent or talk shop.
SeanDav 10y ago
This is going to sound terribly judgemental, but have you considered that the problem might lie with you? It sounds like you are doing exactly the right thing in terms of meeting new people but the fact that your results are very poor, seems to suggest you are not doing something correctly, or are putting people off in some way. Just show an interest in people, without being creepy. Respect boundaries but show you are a good listener and ask questions that show that you have listened and do care. Rather than shotgun everyone, just be friendly and interested and concentrate on developing relationships with people that appear interested in you. It is also important to not rush things. If you perceive a connection with someone - don't ask them around to your house for drinks immediately, but develop the relationship for a few more meetings before taking it to the next level (I mean this from a platonic point of view). Also consider your appearance and personal hygiene. Are you dressed about the same as everyone else? Try to be better dressed than average without being extreme. Have you too much deodorant? Are you freshly showered? Do you have bad breath? Try to ask a family member or honest friend the tough questions about yourself.
- navait 10y ago
  No, it's true, it's my problem. But I don't know what. I have good hygiene. I did a lot of research into fashion and purchased a well fitting wardrobe. I think I might come across as odd for reasons nobody will be honest with me about.
  - redmaverick 10y ago
    This is going to sound a bit Machiavellian. Ask around and befriend a really crappy person that everybody avoids all the time. Someone who doesn't have a filter and is proud of "telling it like it is" but is infact an a... Then bring this up with them. They will tell you the truth. Also, do you suffer from low self-esteem or are otherwise needy? Needy people are human repellants and other people can smell it a mile away.
    - nommm-nommm 10y ago
      People also avoid people who are very overbearing. It's easy to be overbearing and not realize it.
rodolphoarruda 10y ago
I think the best you can do to build strong relationships -- at my 41 I don't know what friendship is anymore -- is by putting yourself into social situations which present problems to be solved collectively. Sports is a good one. Not losing the game requires a lot of problem solving and cooperation. It is rewarding to people to solve problems because it was key for our survival along the ages -- a Darwinian thing. Some 10 years ago I joined a new management team in the company I was working for, and our director took us on a trip to a seaside town where we would work on a "teambuilding" activity, we would do some sailing. Sailing a midsize boat when you know zero about it can be very demanding. You are solving problems all the time to yourself, to the crew and to the ship. At the end of those two days sailing we were a completely different team. I felt that I had made 3 new friends and spotted a new enemy, a person I couldn't get along with. I keep their friendship till this day.
- user837387 10y ago
  >>and spotted a new enemy There is something about this that just makes me chuckle. Don't know why.

by navait 10y ago

tdfx 10y ago

Just like anything else, people want social interactions that are stimulating and rewarding. Being around other people for the sake of being around other warm bodies is typically not very interesting for most people. Who has no shortage of friends? People with obvious value propositions. Rich or influential people. Well connected people. Good looking people. People who already have a lot of friends. It's strange to think about it in economic terms, but I've found it's a very useful abstraction.

navait 10y ago
I am rich, and don't have many friends.
- tdfx 10y ago
  Well, money itself really doesn't put you ahead. You can be a rich guy who owns a bunch of real estate and nobody would notice. Buy the Miss USA pageant and all of a sudden lots of beautiful girls really want to get to know you. If you're not that rich, settle for being the money guy of a popular nightclub.
JoeAltmaier 10y ago
Maybe for some obvious exception cases. But for the bulk of the bell curve, who are not particularly influential or handsome, it's more to do with coincidence of social position. Lucking into a friendly crowd at work for instance.
- tdfx 10y ago
  Sure, social position is influence. In my experience, people have been more impressed by social position than wealth.
gooseus 10y ago
I find that simply making people feel comfortable being themselves around you is the easiest way to make friends. I am not attractive, influential, connected or rich, but I also don't expect anything from people... as in I'm not trying to gain anything from them, not that that I have low expectations of people. I find that people appreciate social interactions where they feel comfortable being themselves and don't feel like they have to be on guard or put on a mask lest they find themselves in some kind of obligation or awkward situation.
- navait 10y ago
  > find that people appreciate social interactions where they feel comfortable How is that done?
  - dwaltrip 10y ago
    Acceptance and empathy. It can take a lot of practice. You need to ascertain where the person is mentally and emotionally, and meet them there.
  - deleted 10y ago
    [deleted]
  - gooseus 10y ago
    It's not easy until it is, but it didn't really come naturally to me. Acceptance and empathy are important as my sibling mentioned already, but those are hard things to just "do". I've been continuously trending toward more comfortable in my own skin as I've gotten older, though I've also actively worked toward breaking down my internal belief systems and assumptions about people, the world and what people expect of me. I've done that by exploring a lot of psychology, philosophy, spirituality and mind-altering experiences to get out of my own head. I think the most profound effect has been from combination ayahuasca/san pedro plant medicine ceremonies though I don't know how much all the prior work I'd done toward breaking down my ego academically set me up to take advantage of those experiences. I think the biggest thing that makes people feel uncomfortable in social situations is anxiety and insecurity... which are both just forms of fear. Fear of being vulnerable, fear of being perceived as "less than", fear of being rejected or humiliated by exposing too much of yourself. These are all things that might not be conscious thoughts, but the underlying signal does come across in body language, intonation and automatic reactions which can make people feel uneasy. I think the first step is to become more mindful of how you're carrying yourself in social situations, which means focusing less at "succeeding" in a social situation and more seeing about what you can learn from them. How do "successful" socializers carry themselves? How does their reaction compare to how you would have reacted? Why would you have reacted the way you would have and why do you think they reacted the way they did? Eventually you stop thinking about it and you say something you see gets a more positive reaction (like asking an interesting question of someone) and you consciously avoid doing something that probably would have gotten a negative reaction (like bringing the conversation back to yourself for the third time) Another thing that helps is realizing that other people are in the exact same boat for the most part and they aren't judging you as much as you might think and are much more willing to forgive a fuck up. Fucking up in a social situation and not being weird can actually be really good since it's an opportunity to let other people feel like you won't care if they say something stupid... it's like an agreed step down of the social threat level. Alright, prob wrote more than necessary, but soooo bored waiting on this holiday commute.

deleted 10y ago

[deleted]

istorical 10y ago

Sounds like the common denominator in all of these interactions is you. You might want to hire a dating/social coach who can give you candid feedback on how you come across as a friend.

cableshaft 10y ago

I did something similar (continuously went to meetups for two years), but had the exact opposite experience. Now I have more friends than I can realistically keep up with. Just repeatedly showing up to these things and making an effort to talk to these people a bit each time and eventually I stopped being a stranger to people and started getting invited to private events they hosted. It might have helped that the meetups I focused on were often board game related (or movies or dinners or theater) and I'm a board game nut, though. I'm also getting more and move involved with my local writer's group (hosted two writer's workshops last year). I've gone to several software development meetups and had really poor experiences befriending people there. People seem to be more shy or standoff-ish, or the focus is too much on the lecture or 'hacking in a corner' and not on a group activity, so that might be part of it. Oh, also I think too many of those people go to those for 'professional networking' purposes and not to have some fun talking about technology and making some genuine connections, so it feels a little artificial, too.

fuzzybeard 10y ago
My experience with "pounding the pavement" at IT conferences has been the same. I'm there to network and learn, but also to make acquaintances and friends. People there tend to be less social than ones at hobby related meetups. Their mindset isn't as social. And I hate to say it, but there's truth to the stereotype that IT people aren't the most socially adept either. It's frustrating when you're trying to make friends to work on an open source collaboration with, or just grab a beer and vent or talk shop.

SeanDav 10y ago

This is going to sound terribly judgemental, but have you considered that the problem might lie with you? It sounds like you are doing exactly the right thing in terms of meeting new people but the fact that your results are very poor, seems to suggest you are not doing something correctly, or are putting people off in some way. Just show an interest in people, without being creepy. Respect boundaries but show you are a good listener and ask questions that show that you have listened and do care. Rather than shotgun everyone, just be friendly and interested and concentrate on developing relationships with people that appear interested in you. It is also important to not rush things. If you perceive a connection with someone - don't ask them around to your house for drinks immediately, but develop the relationship for a few more meetings before taking it to the next level (I mean this from a platonic point of view). Also consider your appearance and personal hygiene. Are you dressed about the same as everyone else? Try to be better dressed than average without being extreme. Have you too much deodorant? Are you freshly showered? Do you have bad breath? Try to ask a family member or honest friend the tough questions about yourself.

navait 10y ago
No, it's true, it's my problem. But I don't know what. I have good hygiene. I did a lot of research into fashion and purchased a well fitting wardrobe. I think I might come across as odd for reasons nobody will be honest with me about.
- redmaverick 10y ago
  This is going to sound a bit Machiavellian. Ask around and befriend a really crappy person that everybody avoids all the time. Someone who doesn't have a filter and is proud of "telling it like it is" but is infact an a... Then bring this up with them. They will tell you the truth. Also, do you suffer from low self-esteem or are otherwise needy? Needy people are human repellants and other people can smell it a mile away.
  - nommm-nommm 10y ago
    People also avoid people who are very overbearing. It's easy to be overbearing and not realize it.

rodolphoarruda 10y ago

I think the best you can do to build strong relationships -- at my 41 I don't know what friendship is anymore -- is by putting yourself into social situations which present problems to be solved collectively. Sports is a good one. Not losing the game requires a lot of problem solving and cooperation. It is rewarding to people to solve problems because it was key for our survival along the ages -- a Darwinian thing. Some 10 years ago I joined a new management team in the company I was working for, and our director took us on a trip to a seaside town where we would work on a "teambuilding" activity, we would do some sailing. Sailing a midsize boat when you know zero about it can be very demanding. You are solving problems all the time to yourself, to the crew and to the ship. At the end of those two days sailing we were a completely different team. I felt that I had made 3 new friends and spotted a new enemy, a person I couldn't get along with. I keep their friendship till this day.

user837387 10y ago
>>and spotted a new enemy There is something about this that just makes me chuckle. Don't know why.