4 ms·

As somebody else on the spectrum, how did you get to understand dating? I find that I miss so many cues, and there's a lot about human interactions that I don't

As somebody else on the spectrum, how did you get to understand dating? I find that I miss so many cues, and there's a lot about human interactions that I don't understand.

woogiewonka 10y ago
If you are a guy, you're not alone. We just generally suck at cues. Ya gotta get lucky and find someone to spell it out for you. At least that's how I met my wife.
- 2muchcoffeeman 10y ago
  Shit. The older I get the more I realise I may have missed or misinterpreted cues. I've started wondering if I am on the spectrum.
  - iamatworknow 10y ago
    >I've started wondering if I am on the spectrum. This is an honest fear of mine. Maybe "fear" isn't the right word, but I feel like I exhibit behaviors that would indicate I'm on the spectrum, but they're always intentional and rooted in the idea that I don't want to bother or disturb others. So I keep to myself, avoid eye contact, and don't initiate conversation if it's for "selfish" reasons. I need an excuse to be social that isn't just "because I want to". If I have such an excuse (like I'm part of an established group, or it's business related, or so on), I have absolutely no problem. Only when the purpose is personal or self-serving do I have problems. Not because I don't want to interact, but because my fear is that in doing so I'll just upset or annoy everyone else. I've been actively fighting this peculiarity for many years (with professional help) and while it's gotten better it's still very difficult. And I think from an outside perspective this comes off as a bit like mild autistic behavior.
cableshaft 10y ago
I missed sooooo many cues. I started having much, much better luck in my mid-twenties when I just said fuck it, and started making moves on date 2 or 3 without trying to 'read the situation, see if she'd react favorably first'. And even after I started doing that I'd get women saying afterwards, "Phew! I thought you might not like me before you did that!" to which I'd always think "You're crazy! I would have ended the date or not asked you out again if I wasn't interested!"
- selestify 10y ago
  Thanks, that makes sense! Sorry if this sounds autistic, but what kind of moves did you make and how did you know you weren't jumping the gun too soon?
Tsagadai 10y ago
Bit of a necro (raised from a dead thread) reply but worth adding a little more. I gave up trying to pick up all the cues at all. Instead I focus mainly just on conversation. It take a lot of work but it is possible (for me at least) to focus entirely on the content and when to say something, when not to in an almost scripted way. Listen to conversation and interject at the right time. I am interested in almost everything and if you listen and probe well enough then you will find almost anyone has something interesting to say or an amusing story to tell. That said, I don't pick up on much of the group interaction at all but it doesn't matter. All this is quite mentally challenging but just focusing on one part, the conversation, and not all of the other meta communication is pretty much how I do it. It is still quite stressful and mentally draining but I think that I can mostly hold a discussion with random strangers now. People will either think I am an interesting person to talk to or not and we part ways. How this ties back into dating is where it gets interesting. I've had remarkable luck in forming lasting relationships just by talking to people, I usually miss all of the early cues entirely and I don't even know whether someone is interested in me until their number is in my phone (the modern equivalent is adding you on facebook) or some similar forward sign. The important thing is just to start the conversation and to listen to people. Don't hold any preconceptions about people; be open and friendly and be unafraid to talk about yourself and your own experiences.

As somebody else on the spectrum, how did you get to understand dating? I find that I miss so many cues, and there's a lot about human interactions that I don't understand.

woogiewonka 10y ago

If you are a guy, you're not alone. We just generally suck at cues. Ya gotta get lucky and find someone to spell it out for you. At least that's how I met my wife.

2muchcoffeeman 10y ago
Shit. The older I get the more I realise I may have missed or misinterpreted cues. I've started wondering if I am on the spectrum.
- iamatworknow 10y ago
  >I've started wondering if I am on the spectrum. This is an honest fear of mine. Maybe "fear" isn't the right word, but I feel like I exhibit behaviors that would indicate I'm on the spectrum, but they're always intentional and rooted in the idea that I don't want to bother or disturb others. So I keep to myself, avoid eye contact, and don't initiate conversation if it's for "selfish" reasons. I need an excuse to be social that isn't just "because I want to". If I have such an excuse (like I'm part of an established group, or it's business related, or so on), I have absolutely no problem. Only when the purpose is personal or self-serving do I have problems. Not because I don't want to interact, but because my fear is that in doing so I'll just upset or annoy everyone else. I've been actively fighting this peculiarity for many years (with professional help) and while it's gotten better it's still very difficult. And I think from an outside perspective this comes off as a bit like mild autistic behavior.

cableshaft 10y ago

I missed sooooo many cues. I started having much, much better luck in my mid-twenties when I just said fuck it, and started making moves on date 2 or 3 without trying to 'read the situation, see if she'd react favorably first'. And even after I started doing that I'd get women saying afterwards, "Phew! I thought you might not like me before you did that!" to which I'd always think "You're crazy! I would have ended the date or not asked you out again if I wasn't interested!"

selestify 10y ago
Thanks, that makes sense! Sorry if this sounds autistic, but what kind of moves did you make and how did you know you weren't jumping the gun too soon?

Tsagadai 10y ago

Bit of a necro (raised from a dead thread) reply but worth adding a little more. I gave up trying to pick up all the cues at all. Instead I focus mainly just on conversation. It take a lot of work but it is possible (for me at least) to focus entirely on the content and when to say something, when not to in an almost scripted way. Listen to conversation and interject at the right time. I am interested in almost everything and if you listen and probe well enough then you will find almost anyone has something interesting to say or an amusing story to tell. That said, I don't pick up on much of the group interaction at all but it doesn't matter. All this is quite mentally challenging but just focusing on one part, the conversation, and not all of the other meta communication is pretty much how I do it. It is still quite stressful and mentally draining but I think that I can mostly hold a discussion with random strangers now. People will either think I am an interesting person to talk to or not and we part ways. How this ties back into dating is where it gets interesting. I've had remarkable luck in forming lasting relationships just by talking to people, I usually miss all of the early cues entirely and I don't even know whether someone is interested in me until their number is in my phone (the modern equivalent is adding you on facebook) or some similar forward sign. The important thing is just to start the conversation and to listen to people. Don't hold any preconceptions about people; be open and friendly and be unafraid to talk about yourself and your own experiences.