4 ms·

I would argue that if the repeated joke is agreed upon by all involved, it doesn't have to be bullying. Friends have inside jokes that only they enjoy and get r

by bisby 10y ago

I would argue that if the repeated joke is agreed upon by all involved, it doesn't have to be bullying. Friends have inside jokes that only they enjoy and get repeated constantly. Why can't an inside joke be about someone? I'm the worst dresser on my team and i commonly (not daily, but monthly) get "hey nice clothes!" comments. We all laugh and move on. if the comments bothered me, i could say something, or dress like an adult. The issue only occurs if it truly bothers me and im too afraid to say anything. it's pretty easy to say "are people saying things because they dont like me or because we're friends bantering". I think the real difference is mutual fun with the subject also being involved. The repeated subject matter shouldnt matter. If someone can't tell that the subject isn't involved, the problem isn't their bullying/teasing, it's the fact that the person is a jerk. it's all subjective and some people can read it better than others.

Fnoord 10y ago
> I would argue that if the repeated joke is agreed upon by all involved, it doesn't have to be bullying. True, and this can occur on work, but by default it does not. See my comment hereunder on the different social rings. There is also the argument that one needs to accept criticism, or "take some flak". People take much better criticism 1 on 1. So if your boss finds that you clothe yourself badly he could address that during a meeting. Another way is by addressing a whole group without mentioning individuals. I suppose at a small company the likelihood you're on close terms with your direct superior is higher, making a situation where a boss just casually mentions your clothing style more fitting. > If someone can't tell that the subject isn't involved, the problem isn't their bullying/teasing, it's the fact that the person is a jerk. I'd say a bully is a jerk (and very likely, worse, suffering from personality disorder(s)), but also there is the autism spectrum which meddles with the point you make. A normal person learns this in their childhood but there are people who simply lack the social skills to read their joke is inappropriate. Although even then, it is a spectrum, not a binary 0/1.
- bisby 10y ago
  I agree. no one has a problem with how i dress. it isn't brought up in a "fix this" sort of way. it is brought up in a "oh look, another new ninja turtles shirt" way. My clothing choices aren't inappropriate, but many of my coworkers prefer dressing more formal, which makes me stand out. I don't view it as teasing of any sort so I'm ok with it... but I'm aware that other people might be hurt by being called a poor dresser. And I would agree with that about the spectrum. My point was more that the only issue arises when someone doesn't realize they are being offensive: Trying to be offensive -> clear violation -> handle it. Recipient speaks up -> clear violation -> handle it. Trying to be playful, recipient offended but doesn't speak up -> unclear that it is in fact a violation -> may wind up unhandled resulting in issues. Trying to be playful and everyone gets along -> no violation If you're trying to be playful and the recipient doesn't respond well, they shouldn't have to speak up to end it. So if you cant read someone, the "dont keep pushing it" is a good default to have, but if its apparent everyone is having a good time, no biggie.

by bisby 10y ago

Fnoord 10y ago

> I would argue that if the repeated joke is agreed upon by all involved, it doesn't have to be bullying. True, and this can occur on work, but by default it does not. See my comment hereunder on the different social rings. There is also the argument that one needs to accept criticism, or "take some flak". People take much better criticism 1 on 1. So if your boss finds that you clothe yourself badly he could address that during a meeting. Another way is by addressing a whole group without mentioning individuals. I suppose at a small company the likelihood you're on close terms with your direct superior is higher, making a situation where a boss just casually mentions your clothing style more fitting. > If someone can't tell that the subject isn't involved, the problem isn't their bullying/teasing, it's the fact that the person is a jerk. I'd say a bully is a jerk (and very likely, worse, suffering from personality disorder(s)), but also there is the autism spectrum which meddles with the point you make. A normal person learns this in their childhood but there are people who simply lack the social skills to read their joke is inappropriate. Although even then, it is a spectrum, not a binary 0/1.

bisby 10y ago
I agree. no one has a problem with how i dress. it isn't brought up in a "fix this" sort of way. it is brought up in a "oh look, another new ninja turtles shirt" way. My clothing choices aren't inappropriate, but many of my coworkers prefer dressing more formal, which makes me stand out. I don't view it as teasing of any sort so I'm ok with it... but I'm aware that other people might be hurt by being called a poor dresser. And I would agree with that about the spectrum. My point was more that the only issue arises when someone doesn't realize they are being offensive: Trying to be offensive -> clear violation -> handle it. Recipient speaks up -> clear violation -> handle it. Trying to be playful, recipient offended but doesn't speak up -> unclear that it is in fact a violation -> may wind up unhandled resulting in issues. Trying to be playful and everyone gets along -> no violation If you're trying to be playful and the recipient doesn't respond well, they shouldn't have to speak up to end it. So if you cant read someone, the "dont keep pushing it" is a good default to have, but if its apparent everyone is having a good time, no biggie.