5 ms·

A lot of my ex-partners complained that we "didn't have anything in common," to the extent that I started telling new love interests, "Look, I already know we d

by novia 10y ago

A lot of my ex-partners complained that we "didn't have anything in common," to the extent that I started telling new love interests, "Look, I already know we don't have anything in common. Don't bring it up later as a reason to leave." After reading this I wonder if it was actually that my ex-partners were incapable of understanding how someone unlike them would react to different situations. I was usually able to predict their reactions, but maybe it was only a one way street.

kkoomi 10y ago
It may be that that's just a common surface excuse for another underlying reason, whether related to you or not.
pinkrooftop 10y ago
but you're the common denominator so its their fault, ok right
- naasking 10y ago
  I don't see anywhere the OP assigns blame to anyone.
  - pinkrooftop 10y ago
    >I wonder if it was actually that my ex-partners were incapable of understanding how someone unlike them would react to different situations. I was usually able to predict their reactions, but maybe it was only a one way street
    - naasking 10y ago
      Perhaps you should ponder the meaning of "I wonder if" and contrast with your attempt to interpret this statement as an unequivocal assignment of blame.
    - PlugTunin 10y ago
      Fair to speculate that the other person was the problem. They didn't say it was a certain thing. Some people have blind spots that prevent them from realizing that their actions may not fly with the other person. I can't speak to how objective this poster's self-evaluation was, but I guess they felt they were better able to predict the reactions of the other person, and accordingly, were better able to avoid doing things to irritate others. To be fair, I do see how you could misinterpret this as blaming the other person; but an alternate take is that the person is brainstorming, after reading the article, that the other person was simply less adept at predicting behavior.
- PlugTunin 10y ago
  Yeah, I consider the above behavior as being pro-active. He/she didn't allege this issue to be the case in every relationship, nor -- as the other comment correctly suggests -- anyone's fault. It's human to use our register of past experiences to foresee problems in the future. I'd rather put out a warning than waste time with someone who later hits the eject button based on something that was evident from the jump. In relationships of any sort, really, including business, it's reasonable to say "hey, just so there aren't any misunderstandings down the road, let's be clear on x,y,and z; otherwise, we're wasting our time and this probably isn't going to work."
- PlugTunin 10y ago
  Astute observation that he was the common denominator -- as opposed to his experiences being based on a history of relationships that didn't involve him. I guess anytime a person has multiple bad experiences, it must be their fault, right? (I have family members that think that way. I no longer visit them during the holidays.)
  - duderific 10y ago
    Well, you can't say it MUST be their fault, but certainly if the same thing keeps happening over and over, they might want to do a little self assessment and see if anything they're doing could be the cause of the issues.
cbsmith 10y ago
"Look, I already know we don't have anything in common. Don't bring it up later as a reason to leave." I don't know you or your context but, without that context, that reads like someone missing the boat completely about relationships. Sure, you might start out without anything in common, but part of the bonding processes is finding things you do have in common (typically by experimenting with each other's interests, or mutual exploration/discovery of new interests/experiences). If you don't nurture that, then over time you may grow apart and no longer have anything in common.
agentgt 10y ago
> "Look, I already know we don't have anything in common. Don't bring it up later as a reason to leave." I can vouch that you do not have to have much in common with your significant other despite what all the dating services will lead you to believe. My wife and I have failed every compatibility test (most of the tests are gimmicky anyway) and have very little in common yet we have been together for 17 years. However we can still effectively communicate to one another. One armchair conclusion I sort of take from the study is that this should give some greater credence to couples therapy and that sooner participation is probably better. After all communication can be learned.
- pasquinelli 10y ago
  Could also be that just because you and your wife don't have much in common doesn't mean you don't understand one another. Shared traits and understanding are different things.
YCode 10y ago
So Internet relationship advice is a bit like advice on a rash based on its color. That said and with a bit of tough love I really doubt they were incapable of understanding you. If they were, perhaps there's something you should change so they can understand you. Offhand, your "I already know" remark comes off as putting up walls because you're afraid of being hurt. It's hard to learn about someone when they don't want you getting too close. Can you identify what your common interests were in those relationships? What brought you together besides you both having equipment the other fancies? If there's a limited supply of answers, it's possible you really didn't have mutual interests or aspirations/life goals. Long term they may have been doing you a favor.
- novia 10y ago
  No doubt they were doing me a favor by leaving, but when I say to someone I'm interacting with for the first time, "I already know we don't have anything in common," I'm giving them the chance to get out now if they aren't interested in someone who is not their clone. I'd rather skip dating all together than to find out 2-3 years later that I wasn't what they were looking for.
  - YCode 10y ago
    But from the other person's perspective it sounds something like: "Having just met you I can already tell nothing about you interests or excites me. I have trust issues and I fully expect you to leave me so in preparation for that I'm going to put up emotional walls and not invest myself too much in this relationship in case it fails." There's a wide and opaque area between not being someone's clone and having nothing in common.
    - novia 10y ago
      No. I assure you the conversation goes further than this. If I am pursuing them then everything about them interests me and excites me. I'm very interested in a particular type of person, one which happens to not have much in common with me.
    - 10y ago
onion2k 10y ago
I was usually able to predict their reactions, but maybe it was only a one way street. You trying to predict what your partner is going to do might not have been such a positive contribution to the relationship. People don't like it when someone tries to predict their reaction to something. If you're right then it makes the other person look predictable, and if you're wrong then you look like you don't know them very well. Either way it's bad.
- naasking 10y ago
  > People don't like it when someone tries to predict their reaction to something. What? How exactly do you expect to pleasantly surprise your significant other if you can't predict what they'll like? How could you possibly buy them gifts? I'm pretty sure that predicting what I like is something that pretty much everyone is perfectly ok with.
  - onion2k 10y ago
    You'd think so, but research suggests that isn't the case. There was an interesting psychological study recently that showed the best gift (in terms of how happy the receiver is) reflects the personality of the giver rather than the recipient[1]. You might not mind, but other people do. And obviously it depends hugely on the situation, people involved, relationship, etc. [1] https://digest.bps.org.uk/2015/07/31/what-weve-been-getting-wrong-about-choosing-gifts/ https://digest.bps.org.uk/2015/07/31/what-weve-been-getting-...
    - naasking 10y ago
      > There was an interesting psychological study recently that showed the best gift (in terms of how happy the receiver is) reflects the personality of the giver rather than the recipient That's great, but you claimed that your partner wouldn't like it if you try to predict what they would like. The link you provided actually says the opposite: that people say they prefer gifts tailored to their preferences, which means they wouldn't mind you predicting what they'd like, contrary to your original claim.
    - 10y ago
lobo_tuerto 10y ago
Too bad things aren't just black & white in relationships. So I think that intro of yours is just a half-truth because you really don't know until you do.
deleted 10y ago
[deleted]
davymac 10y ago
I'm an aspie/hfa and you sound like me before I started learning about how to socially interact from piles of self-help books. Learn how to software emulate the hardware so to speak.

by novia 10y ago

kkoomi 10y ago

It may be that that's just a common surface excuse for another underlying reason, whether related to you or not.

pinkrooftop 10y ago

but you're the common denominator so its their fault, ok right

naasking 10y ago
I don't see anywhere the OP assigns blame to anyone.
- pinkrooftop 10y ago
  >I wonder if it was actually that my ex-partners were incapable of understanding how someone unlike them would react to different situations. I was usually able to predict their reactions, but maybe it was only a one way street
  - naasking 10y ago
    Perhaps you should ponder the meaning of "I wonder if" and contrast with your attempt to interpret this statement as an unequivocal assignment of blame.
  - PlugTunin 10y ago
    Fair to speculate that the other person was the problem. They didn't say it was a certain thing. Some people have blind spots that prevent them from realizing that their actions may not fly with the other person. I can't speak to how objective this poster's self-evaluation was, but I guess they felt they were better able to predict the reactions of the other person, and accordingly, were better able to avoid doing things to irritate others. To be fair, I do see how you could misinterpret this as blaming the other person; but an alternate take is that the person is brainstorming, after reading the article, that the other person was simply less adept at predicting behavior.
PlugTunin 10y ago
Yeah, I consider the above behavior as being pro-active. He/she didn't allege this issue to be the case in every relationship, nor -- as the other comment correctly suggests -- anyone's fault. It's human to use our register of past experiences to foresee problems in the future. I'd rather put out a warning than waste time with someone who later hits the eject button based on something that was evident from the jump. In relationships of any sort, really, including business, it's reasonable to say "hey, just so there aren't any misunderstandings down the road, let's be clear on x,y,and z; otherwise, we're wasting our time and this probably isn't going to work."
PlugTunin 10y ago
Astute observation that he was the common denominator -- as opposed to his experiences being based on a history of relationships that didn't involve him. I guess anytime a person has multiple bad experiences, it must be their fault, right? (I have family members that think that way. I no longer visit them during the holidays.)
- duderific 10y ago
  Well, you can't say it MUST be their fault, but certainly if the same thing keeps happening over and over, they might want to do a little self assessment and see if anything they're doing could be the cause of the issues.

cbsmith 10y ago

"Look, I already know we don't have anything in common. Don't bring it up later as a reason to leave." I don't know you or your context but, without that context, that reads like someone missing the boat completely about relationships. Sure, you might start out without anything in common, but part of the bonding processes is finding things you do have in common (typically by experimenting with each other's interests, or mutual exploration/discovery of new interests/experiences). If you don't nurture that, then over time you may grow apart and no longer have anything in common.

agentgt 10y ago

> "Look, I already know we don't have anything in common. Don't bring it up later as a reason to leave." I can vouch that you do not have to have much in common with your significant other despite what all the dating services will lead you to believe. My wife and I have failed every compatibility test (most of the tests are gimmicky anyway) and have very little in common yet we have been together for 17 years. However we can still effectively communicate to one another. One armchair conclusion I sort of take from the study is that this should give some greater credence to couples therapy and that sooner participation is probably better. After all communication can be learned.

pasquinelli 10y ago
Could also be that just because you and your wife don't have much in common doesn't mean you don't understand one another. Shared traits and understanding are different things.

YCode 10y ago

So Internet relationship advice is a bit like advice on a rash based on its color. That said and with a bit of tough love I really doubt they were incapable of understanding you. If they were, perhaps there's something you should change so they can understand you. Offhand, your "I already know" remark comes off as putting up walls because you're afraid of being hurt. It's hard to learn about someone when they don't want you getting too close. Can you identify what your common interests were in those relationships? What brought you together besides you both having equipment the other fancies? If there's a limited supply of answers, it's possible you really didn't have mutual interests or aspirations/life goals. Long term they may have been doing you a favor.

novia 10y ago
No doubt they were doing me a favor by leaving, but when I say to someone I'm interacting with for the first time, "I already know we don't have anything in common," I'm giving them the chance to get out now if they aren't interested in someone who is not their clone. I'd rather skip dating all together than to find out 2-3 years later that I wasn't what they were looking for.
- YCode 10y ago
  But from the other person's perspective it sounds something like: "Having just met you I can already tell nothing about you interests or excites me. I have trust issues and I fully expect you to leave me so in preparation for that I'm going to put up emotional walls and not invest myself too much in this relationship in case it fails." There's a wide and opaque area between not being someone's clone and having nothing in common.
  - novia 10y ago
    No. I assure you the conversation goes further than this. If I am pursuing them then everything about them interests me and excites me. I'm very interested in a particular type of person, one which happens to not have much in common with me.
  - 10y ago

onion2k 10y ago

I was usually able to predict their reactions, but maybe it was only a one way street. You trying to predict what your partner is going to do might not have been such a positive contribution to the relationship. People don't like it when someone tries to predict their reaction to something. If you're right then it makes the other person look predictable, and if you're wrong then you look like you don't know them very well. Either way it's bad.

naasking 10y ago
> People don't like it when someone tries to predict their reaction to something. What? How exactly do you expect to pleasantly surprise your significant other if you can't predict what they'll like? How could you possibly buy them gifts? I'm pretty sure that predicting what I like is something that pretty much everyone is perfectly ok with.
- onion2k 10y ago
  You'd think so, but research suggests that isn't the case. There was an interesting psychological study recently that showed the best gift (in terms of how happy the receiver is) reflects the personality of the giver rather than the recipient[1]. You might not mind, but other people do. And obviously it depends hugely on the situation, people involved, relationship, etc. [1] https://digest.bps.org.uk/2015/07/31/what-weve-been-getting-wrong-about-choosing-gifts/ https://digest.bps.org.uk/2015/07/31/what-weve-been-getting-...
  - naasking 10y ago
    > There was an interesting psychological study recently that showed the best gift (in terms of how happy the receiver is) reflects the personality of the giver rather than the recipient That's great, but you claimed that your partner wouldn't like it if you try to predict what they would like. The link you provided actually says the opposite: that people say they prefer gifts tailored to their preferences, which means they wouldn't mind you predicting what they'd like, contrary to your original claim.
  - 10y ago

lobo_tuerto 10y ago

Too bad things aren't just black & white in relationships. So I think that intro of yours is just a half-truth because you really don't know until you do.

deleted 10y ago

[deleted]

davymac 10y ago

I'm an aspie/hfa and you sound like me before I started learning about how to socially interact from piles of self-help books. Learn how to software emulate the hardware so to speak.