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I just lost my best mate from university to alcohol. Growing up in Britain, this is not my first friend I've lost because of alcohol. I'm in tears... I've strug

I just lost my best mate from university to alcohol. Growing up in Britain, this is not my first friend I've lost because of alcohol. I'm in tears... I've struggled with drinking too much myself, this hits very close to home.

PaulRobinson 10y ago
As somebody who has watched people struggle and seen them fail and succeed, I can relate. Also a Brit, also like a pint. Helped people who were hitting the alcho-pops at 8am (doesn't smell like booze on the breath, see?). I'm p7r on twitter and reddit. If you ever want to chat, let me know, I'll follow you back, we can DM, or just PM me on reddit. It's a sincere offer: I hope in the morning you're feeling more optimistic and know you're not alone and there are people who give a fuck. The things that make us able to do amazing things are also the things that make us do terrible things to ourselves. We should talk about that more as a community.
- icantdrive55 10y ago
  I've stopped and failed drinking too many times to count. My psychiatrist told me flat out, "Don't even try to stop on you're own. It's just too f---ing dangerous." I used that terrible advice for years. I kept on drinking. I went to A.A., and just coudn't stomach it, on so many levels. I wasen't going to spend my last $15 grand on a expensive rehab. I did taper off around ten years ago. It took a few weeks. I knew it would be dangerous to just stop. I did everything the experts told me not to do; like have alcohol around the house, and hang around people who drink. We all drink for different reasons. I felt I was drinking to control my anxiety; and much of the time I was self-medicating. I tapered down to a few drinks a day--I finally got down to one, or no drinks. My point is if anyone reading this is trying to stop drinking, and the status quo advice just isn't working, if I could taped down, I honestly think most people can. (Try not to drink hard alcohol. That really did a number on my body. When I went back to wine, and beer; It was only then could I begin to even think about tapering down to no drinks. I'm not giving advice. I'm just stating what worked for me. I really thought I was hopeless. My father, and grandfather both died from liver tumors that metastasized into cancer. Both were big drinkers. I didn't think I had a chance in hell. Plus--I had a nervous breakdown in graduate school, which turned into generalized anxiety. I still drink, but it's not much. I'm not the bloated mess I used to be. My life is still not great, but it's not due to alcohol.)
protomyth 10y ago
My condolences and hope. It is the same story on all too many reservations in the US. I've remarked that I've attended more funerals than weddings and watching the spiral of others without regard to actions taken to help them is soul killing. As hard as it gets, you can only save yourself. You can throw as many lifelines as there are stars in the sky, but it doesn't guarantee they will be caught or even acknowledged. I sometimes wonder how much growing up on sitcoms and their solved in 30 minutes solutions have given us unrealistic expectations in real life. As a friend who watched too much British TV[1] in college said to me: save yourself if for no other reason so you're not a selfish twat who caused everyone else pain. 1) college where students learn about Monty Python and Pink Floyd.
jwdunne 10y ago
Brit here too. I feel your pain. I'm not a drinker but my parents are. It's getting more and more excessive. I'll find litres of whiskey hone in a sitting. The drink has ruined my relationship with them. When I was a teenager, me and my sister suffered from psychosis. They blamed their drinking on that. When we got better, they continued and found a different scapegoat. My sister is going through children's mental health services. My parents don't seem to understand that wrestling tablets from my mother attempting suicide is traumatic for a child. This is really messing up my sister. When I spoke to my dad about my sister's problems, his response was "I'm not giving up my life for some 15 year old" Over the years, I'd get nasty text messages. Anything from long essays on why my birthday gift wasn't adequate to how my choice of partner isn't adequate (my partner demands that the kids don't have cordial - my mother disagrees). Years of that plus childhood has made me feel inadequate. Alcoholism doesn't just screw over the drinker but the family too. Sometimes it's not just the pain of watching them fall.
- SiVal 10y ago
  I have no idea whether this will help at all, but after staring at it for a while, I decided I had to try. I think it's VERY likely that a craving for a chemical such as alcohol or various drugs is learned by the brain and shares a property with such things as language learning, which is that early learning plants it deeply and indelibly in a rapidly developing brain--making it essentially native to the brain's structure--while late learning is relatively superficial. Based on what I've seen, those who wait to start drinking until well into adulthood have brains that are MUCH more resistant to alcoholism. The implication for you, then, is that if you can't get your sister to just join you in being a non-drinker, then at least persuade her to procrastinate her drinking as many years as possible and use the language-learning analogy if it helps: the LAST thing you want to do is become a "native drinker". You want it to be something always a little foreign and unnatural to your brain so you can push it away entirely should you ever choose to do so. Again, this might be of no use to you in your personal situation (and sorry I can't be more useful), but if there's any way you can get her to wait until after college/university age, she won't be completely safe (no drinker is), but she will have MUCH more power than she has now.
  - 10y ago
prefectlyWrong 10y ago
I understand your struggle with grief, and would enjoy chatting over a cuppa if you're ever up for it with a bloke from the other side of the pond. If I never hear from you, that's ait too, but am here if need be, young man.

PaulRobinson 10y ago

As somebody who has watched people struggle and seen them fail and succeed, I can relate. Also a Brit, also like a pint. Helped people who were hitting the alcho-pops at 8am (doesn't smell like booze on the breath, see?). I'm p7r on twitter and reddit. If you ever want to chat, let me know, I'll follow you back, we can DM, or just PM me on reddit. It's a sincere offer: I hope in the morning you're feeling more optimistic and know you're not alone and there are people who give a fuck. The things that make us able to do amazing things are also the things that make us do terrible things to ourselves. We should talk about that more as a community.

icantdrive55 10y ago
I've stopped and failed drinking too many times to count. My psychiatrist told me flat out, "Don't even try to stop on you're own. It's just too f---ing dangerous." I used that terrible advice for years. I kept on drinking. I went to A.A., and just coudn't stomach it, on so many levels. I wasen't going to spend my last $15 grand on a expensive rehab. I did taper off around ten years ago. It took a few weeks. I knew it would be dangerous to just stop. I did everything the experts told me not to do; like have alcohol around the house, and hang around people who drink. We all drink for different reasons. I felt I was drinking to control my anxiety; and much of the time I was self-medicating. I tapered down to a few drinks a day--I finally got down to one, or no drinks. My point is if anyone reading this is trying to stop drinking, and the status quo advice just isn't working, if I could taped down, I honestly think most people can. (Try not to drink hard alcohol. That really did a number on my body. When I went back to wine, and beer; It was only then could I begin to even think about tapering down to no drinks. I'm not giving advice. I'm just stating what worked for me. I really thought I was hopeless. My father, and grandfather both died from liver tumors that metastasized into cancer. Both were big drinkers. I didn't think I had a chance in hell. Plus--I had a nervous breakdown in graduate school, which turned into generalized anxiety. I still drink, but it's not much. I'm not the bloated mess I used to be. My life is still not great, but it's not due to alcohol.)

protomyth 10y ago

My condolences and hope. It is the same story on all too many reservations in the US. I've remarked that I've attended more funerals than weddings and watching the spiral of others without regard to actions taken to help them is soul killing. As hard as it gets, you can only save yourself. You can throw as many lifelines as there are stars in the sky, but it doesn't guarantee they will be caught or even acknowledged. I sometimes wonder how much growing up on sitcoms and their solved in 30 minutes solutions have given us unrealistic expectations in real life. As a friend who watched too much British TV[1] in college said to me: save yourself if for no other reason so you're not a selfish twat who caused everyone else pain. 1) college where students learn about Monty Python and Pink Floyd.

jwdunne 10y ago

Brit here too. I feel your pain. I'm not a drinker but my parents are. It's getting more and more excessive. I'll find litres of whiskey hone in a sitting. The drink has ruined my relationship with them. When I was a teenager, me and my sister suffered from psychosis. They blamed their drinking on that. When we got better, they continued and found a different scapegoat. My sister is going through children's mental health services. My parents don't seem to understand that wrestling tablets from my mother attempting suicide is traumatic for a child. This is really messing up my sister. When I spoke to my dad about my sister's problems, his response was "I'm not giving up my life for some 15 year old" Over the years, I'd get nasty text messages. Anything from long essays on why my birthday gift wasn't adequate to how my choice of partner isn't adequate (my partner demands that the kids don't have cordial - my mother disagrees). Years of that plus childhood has made me feel inadequate. Alcoholism doesn't just screw over the drinker but the family too. Sometimes it's not just the pain of watching them fall.

SiVal 10y ago
I have no idea whether this will help at all, but after staring at it for a while, I decided I had to try. I think it's VERY likely that a craving for a chemical such as alcohol or various drugs is learned by the brain and shares a property with such things as language learning, which is that early learning plants it deeply and indelibly in a rapidly developing brain--making it essentially native to the brain's structure--while late learning is relatively superficial. Based on what I've seen, those who wait to start drinking until well into adulthood have brains that are MUCH more resistant to alcoholism. The implication for you, then, is that if you can't get your sister to just join you in being a non-drinker, then at least persuade her to procrastinate her drinking as many years as possible and use the language-learning analogy if it helps: the LAST thing you want to do is become a "native drinker". You want it to be something always a little foreign and unnatural to your brain so you can push it away entirely should you ever choose to do so. Again, this might be of no use to you in your personal situation (and sorry I can't be more useful), but if there's any way you can get her to wait until after college/university age, she won't be completely safe (no drinker is), but she will have MUCH more power than she has now.
- 10y ago

prefectlyWrong 10y ago

I understand your struggle with grief, and would enjoy chatting over a cuppa if you're ever up for it with a bloke from the other side of the pond. If I never hear from you, that's ait too, but am here if need be, young man.