6 ms·

> Let’s say you have an adolescent daughter and she says to you, “Mom, you are such a bitch. What have you ever done for me? You only think of yourself.” > The

by SerLava 10y ago

> Let’s say you have an adolescent daughter and she says to you, “Mom, you are such a bitch. What have you ever done for me? You only think of yourself.” > The teen may be at the dinner table and just being quiet and not saying negative things. Well, when you're starting out, one of the positive-opposites can sometimes be reinforcing the non-occurrence of the behavior. And you just say, “Marion, it's nice having dinner with you, it's nice that you're here.” What that does is reinforce the likelihood that Marion will be at the dinner table and not say negative things. So, I love this here. Taming the 4 year old requires a psychological trick on the 4 year old. Taming the 14 year old apparently requires a psychological trick on the 40 year old. For the teens, the psychologist's advice is literally "Well, maybe don't be such a bitch in the first place, Mom."

matt4077 10y ago
It's literally not. There's a huge difference between "being a bitch" and "not actively reinforcing the bo.nd with your child."
- SerLava 10y ago
  The teenager is really just a petulant, kind of half-assed adult. The psychologist frames it the same way as the 4 year old, but knows it's really an entirely different ball game. The teenager actually has a functioning long-term memory, for instance. Obviously the theoretical teenager and my comment are exaggerating it, but there's truth in there.
  - semi-extrinsic 10y ago
    The 4 year old also has a functioning long-term memory. Our oldest (4 1/2 now) often recounts minuscule, random details of events 6-12 months ago that neither me nor my wife had mentioned since. It's true that most adults have few memories from childhood, but that's something else entirely.
    - Elvie 10y ago
      My nearly 5 year old remembers events from last Christmas in great detail, so they have a better long term memory than many people credit them for
      - ryanmarsh 10y ago
        This is why I treat my kids as adults who just aren't quite ready for adulthood. You can't fool most kids. We're the dull ones, not them, they're just inexperienced.
deleted 10y ago
[deleted]
Mz 10y ago
FWIW, as a former full time mom with two late twenties adult kids, my sons tell me that me not being a bitch is why they never went through the asshole rebellious teen stage. There was nothing to rebel against. They had no reason to be angry at me. (Though, to be fair, my younger son started to be a pain in the ass teen and then I explained the somatopsychic effects of puberty to him one day in front of his brother and best friend, in part by saying "Your problem is called testosterone, not my bitch mother" and they were all three easier to deal with after that.)
- ryanmarsh 10y ago
  I think adults often forget how much awe they had as kids for the amazing adults in their lives.
paganel 10y ago
> Let’s say you have an adolescent daughter and she says to you, “Mom, you are such a bitch. What have you ever done for me? You only think of yourself.” Maybe it's because I grew up as a kid in another culture (Eastern Europe) and some time ago (I'm 36 now) but do kids nowadays really call their parents "bitch"? My parents almost never laid their hands on me (the couple of times they actually did I had deserved it) but, nevertheless, it would have been out-of-this-world for me or for any other kid to call their parents names like these. It reminds me of this Eddie Murphy sketch: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ldUbxfOtjqw https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ldUbxfOtjqw .
- axtscz 10y ago
  No, I'm 20 and from the US, and never would've dreamed of calling my parents a word like this. I mean never. We may of had disagreements but this was one line I would never cross.
  - rtpg 10y ago
    Similar experience but I know this exists. Some people going through their teens get pretty cruel. Definitely a minority
    - Mz 10y ago
      Sometimes, they are "cruel" in response to having been subtly (or not so subtly) treated cruelly themselves.
      - rtpg 10y ago
        Definitely, I didn't mean to discount the agency of the kid. There are many more abusive households than we'd like to admit.
- TACIXAT 10y ago
  My dad and I are very casual. We enjoy fighting (wrestling), pushing each other into strangers, tampering with food, turning car seat heaters on sneakily on a hot day. Very normal for us to call each other names when these things occur. I don't think there is anything I could say to him that he'd even blink at.

by SerLava 10y ago

matt4077 10y ago

It's literally not. There's a huge difference between "being a bitch" and "not actively reinforcing the bo.nd with your child."

SerLava 10y ago
The teenager is really just a petulant, kind of half-assed adult. The psychologist frames it the same way as the 4 year old, but knows it's really an entirely different ball game. The teenager actually has a functioning long-term memory, for instance. Obviously the theoretical teenager and my comment are exaggerating it, but there's truth in there.
- semi-extrinsic 10y ago
  The 4 year old also has a functioning long-term memory. Our oldest (4 1/2 now) often recounts minuscule, random details of events 6-12 months ago that neither me nor my wife had mentioned since. It's true that most adults have few memories from childhood, but that's something else entirely.
  - Elvie 10y ago
    My nearly 5 year old remembers events from last Christmas in great detail, so they have a better long term memory than many people credit them for
    - ryanmarsh 10y ago
      This is why I treat my kids as adults who just aren't quite ready for adulthood. You can't fool most kids. We're the dull ones, not them, they're just inexperienced.

deleted 10y ago

[deleted]

Mz 10y ago

FWIW, as a former full time mom with two late twenties adult kids, my sons tell me that me not being a bitch is why they never went through the asshole rebellious teen stage. There was nothing to rebel against. They had no reason to be angry at me. (Though, to be fair, my younger son started to be a pain in the ass teen and then I explained the somatopsychic effects of puberty to him one day in front of his brother and best friend, in part by saying "Your problem is called testosterone, not my bitch mother" and they were all three easier to deal with after that.)

ryanmarsh 10y ago
I think adults often forget how much awe they had as kids for the amazing adults in their lives.

paganel 10y ago

> Let’s say you have an adolescent daughter and she says to you, “Mom, you are such a bitch. What have you ever done for me? You only think of yourself.” Maybe it's because I grew up as a kid in another culture (Eastern Europe) and some time ago (I'm 36 now) but do kids nowadays really call their parents "bitch"? My parents almost never laid their hands on me (the couple of times they actually did I had deserved it) but, nevertheless, it would have been out-of-this-world for me or for any other kid to call their parents names like these. It reminds me of this Eddie Murphy sketch: https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ldUbxfOtjqw https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ldUbxfOtjqw .

axtscz 10y ago
No, I'm 20 and from the US, and never would've dreamed of calling my parents a word like this. I mean never. We may of had disagreements but this was one line I would never cross.
- rtpg 10y ago
  Similar experience but I know this exists. Some people going through their teens get pretty cruel. Definitely a minority
  - Mz 10y ago
    Sometimes, they are "cruel" in response to having been subtly (or not so subtly) treated cruelly themselves.
    - rtpg 10y ago
      Definitely, I didn't mean to discount the agency of the kid. There are many more abusive households than we'd like to admit.
TACIXAT 10y ago
My dad and I are very casual. We enjoy fighting (wrestling), pushing each other into strangers, tampering with food, turning car seat heaters on sneakily on a hot day. Very normal for us to call each other names when these things occur. I don't think there is anything I could say to him that he'd even blink at.