As everybody has said, go seek professional help. You should have 0 shame about this. In the last year, I've discovered that some of my co-workers and friends I

As everybody has said, go seek professional help. You should have 0 shame about this. In the last year, I've discovered that some of my co-workers and friends I most admire have struggled with depression. It is probably more common than you think. I also think I may be able to relate to your situation of being 30 without a career. When I turned 30 I wasn't working. I thought I was taking a few months off, but couldn't get back into the work force. I was unemployed for almost 2 years, taking the odd job I could and volunteering (which I recommend). I hadn't discovered programming or product management (truly) yet, which would become my profession by my mid-thirties. Ten years on, I work for a leading research agency, surrounded by amazing and brilliant co-workers and get to learn and experience more every day. So, my point is, many people are just getting on the path at 30. You're not the only one, and I felt the same way you did at the time. I felt I was lost, I sought help. It was terrifying to think that I was left behind, that this is all my life would be. The rejections from jobs you want can hurt, I know that, and each rejection gets more painful, and more scary. I don't believe I have any contacts in Germany, though I could be wrong. Feel free to add me on linkedin (my name is same as my username here) and I'd be happy to help where with connections if I can. PS, though 20000€ may seem a massive insurmountable amount, and it is a large chunk, you can pay that down in a few years if you're careful. All is not lost, and this test will make you stronger. Don't be afraid to ask for help.