You really need to seek out a therapist. I don't know the expense of that in Germany but it can be life-changing. It sounds to me that you might be depressed.

You really need to seek out a therapist. I don't know the expense of that in Germany but it can be life-changing. It sounds to me that you might be depressed. The thing about depression is that it's possible to manage -- but you have to reach out. You've posted this, and that's a good first step, but now you need to tell a professional. Personally there were many times when life was quite bleak and it all felt like a dead-end. I think that with a little help, you can move past this point, and later you will look back at it and be glad you did.