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Really glad this article was posted. I have anxiety. No idea what to do about it. I just sit here locked in my apartment all day, haven't seen anyone in weeks.
by rublev 10y ago
Really glad this article was posted.
I have anxiety. No idea what to do about it. I just sit here locked in my apartment all day, haven't seen anyone in weeks. Moved a friend in next door, he's extremely loud, now I haven't seen him in weeks either. I just can't. I'm just an asshole sitting here with headphones on 14 hours a day and then sleeping completely locked in a prison of my own making. To walk into the kitchen and potentially hear them fucking or watching TV really loudly in their bedroom - it feels like what you're feeling is unreasonable, so then you start feeling guilty, except I can't help any of it. In my head it's like 'good for him! get laid buddy!' but what I feel is pure adrenaline and anger.
Sometimes when I wake up just right after a perfect sleep, hit my routine properly, get everything done, then I feel great, and can go out, and do things. But I have to feel extremely great, and it takes so much work to get there. And it only ever works rarely.
My heart rate is almost constantly 1.5x what it should be, like a consistent and constant adrenaline rush that no amount of pushups will get rid of. Any excessive or intrusive sounds sends my adrenaline to the roof and now I have to focus my energy on calming down to be able to work instead of actually working.
Very rarely there are small patches of time where there is no anxiety. I liken those moments to the moments Dostoevsky describes when he's not suffering from seizures.
The one thing I'm trying to avoid is telling people about it, I don't ever want to put someone in the position of "listen, my life is harder than yours because of X condition, so you need to adjust to me". I think that's gross. Like my loud friend. It's totally his right to be loud, and it's unfair to him that someone like me lives next door. But now he has to feel neglected from my lack of contact, which just brings me more guilt. Then at some point we're going to have to talk about it, at which point I can either lie to make him feel better or tell him what's actually up and potentially lower his quality of life and instill in him a similar amount of anxiety. Then we both lose. Pity is one of the worst feelings ever and I really don't wish to invite it into my life.
>All of these things helped but we were not living — we were surviving in a world where anxiety had taken over.
Exactly, it's just surviving. Dead time, unenjoyed. I am very lucky to have recently met a girl that takes the time to ask questions and explore and talk without judgement and assumptions and it's been the most wonderful experience of my life so far. I've never had that, so initially it was very difficult to trust. The first few months it was a mental loop of "Why would this person ever talk to me much less try to help me?". I lucked out huge though.
edit: Wow is what I'm typing really that foreign to some of you? I should probably look into this more. Thank you everyone who replied and OP for the article.
- alexashka 10y agoEveryone adjusts to somebody else - it's not gross at all :) That's just every human relationship I've ever heard of. It sounds like you're inside your head a lot - I'd suggest finding extremely simple activities you enjoy - like going for a walk 2x/day. When you don't walk around outside and get some sun - you won't feel so good. I've relatively recently moved from a busy downtown corner to a quiet place by a huge park - it's changed my life a great deal because I now enjoy going for my walks way more. It's good that you've met a girl - that you think 'why would someone be nice to me?' is a sign of a great number of negative beliefs in your head, that are not true :) People talk to other people because they're bored, you don't have to be good at anything to have someone pass the time by talking to you. I hope you figure it out and again, small steps toward activities you enjoy, that involve being outside, and around small groups of people, would be my suggestions.
- rublev 10y agoYeah man thanks. >People talk to other people because they're bored, you don't have to be good at anything to have someone pass the time by talking to you. That's difficult to believe because it doesn't match up to my reality. I usually find I don't have much to talk to anyone about unless we're doing something like making music or exercising or whatever, which is impossible in my current state. I agree about the sun and walks absolutely, I also need to move. Used to live in a condo with concrete walling where I couldn't hear a single neighbour ever, combined with living 30 floors above street level, it was basically heaven. Moved into a first floor place where the walls are paper thin. I hear everything. The business below me 9 hours a day, my friend, the 6 lane street about 15 meters to my left, and especially the sirens, oh god the sirens. I think the girl, combined with moving back into a condo in a less busy area will do me heaps actually.
- Broken_Hippo 10y ago"I usually find I don't have much to talk to anyone about unless we're doing something..." I very much understand this statement. I think that's why I don't have more social contact - nothing to say, really. I mean, I think a lot, but it doesn't seem to match up with the sorts of things people talk about. And honestly, my life isn't that interesting to talk about. I draw every day, for example, but I can't really talk about that and be interesting. My spouse, though, I can talk to him for hours. About the world, about sillyness, about art. It works out, and he encourages me to do different things. He fills the place of your girl for me, I think, and reflecting on that: I'm very happy you found at least one person to connect with. Much luck to you in your future, with all the hopes that it improves over the stuff you've had to deal with.