7 ms·

Thank you for writing this. When people talk about these issues it becomes easier and more acceptable to society and it helps lessen anxiety stigmas. As someon

by physcab 10y ago

Thank you for writing this. When people talk about these issues it becomes easier and more acceptable to society and it helps lessen anxiety stigmas. As someone who suffers from anxiety and who regularly seeks therapy, I can say that the rituals that have helped me are: - Realizing that anxiety isn't who you are, but more like a disturbance that will pass - Eating, sleeping, exercising, and practicing mindfulness go a long way - Knowing and dealing with the physiological reactions helps. Realizing that anxiety is a fight or flight response and is often based on fears of the future, which causes heart to race and breath to shorten. Therefore, simply forcing yourself to take large breaths and being mindful about the state of your body helps bring you back to the present and not let your mind get into "rabbit holes" One piece of advice I have for you is to not take on the role of mental health professional in your relationship. This isn't your problem and you can quickly tire yourself out. All you have to do to support is help your wife accept her current state, and help remind her of living in the present. If her condition is severe enough, encourage her to see a psychiatrist in addition to a therapist too. It may help greatly.

Broken_Hippo 10y ago
"One piece of advice I have for you is to not take on the role of mental health professional in your relationship" So much this. My first husband was schizo-affective. I often felt I was in the role of caregiver and part-time mental health professional, all while trying to work to supoprt us both. And this was while he had medications to help him and very regular psychiatrist appointments. Looking back, I should have insisted that I was ill-prepared to do all the stuff. I should have insisted on some therapy for myself as well, and asked for more help from the mental health services, possibly wellness checks and other such things. It is so much easier to say this stuff now in my late 30's than it was in my early to mid 20's, however.
- xahrepap 10y ago
  > I should have insisted on some therapy for myself as well Yes. So much this. I suffer from pretty serious anxiety. And just a few months ago I was fighting through the worst of it. Looking back at how much my wife was doing and how stressed she was... I feel like she could've benefitted from therapy almost more than me. I wish we as a culture can get over the therapy stereotypes. Both my kids see a therapist on a regular basis and have been for years (adopted through foster care. Lots of trauma). We've been trying to help them learn how helpful it is. It's fun to see them ... brag(?) ... about going to therapy. They are excited when I ask them after work about their day and how they got to see their friend, the therapist. When talking to other people who feel like they need therapy but are too embarrassed, and just tell them about my kids. Ask them if they would judge them for going. Talk about how much they love it. One day therapy will be more common!
  - jsprogrammer 10y ago
    My problem with "therapy" is that the word is woefully undefined. Sticking an ice pick up a person's nose, into their brain, and just moving the pick around has been counted as therapy.
    - dom0 10y ago
      Wasn't that done through the eye socket?
    - echlebek 10y ago
      They're talking cognitive behavioural therapy.
      - deleted 10y ago
        [deleted]
    - freehunter 10y ago
      Yeah and leeches used to be called "medicine" but if you shy away from doctors because of what the profession practiced in the past (things that are illegal now) you're not exactly doing yourself any favors. Therapy these days does not mean lobotomies.
      - jsprogrammer 10y ago
        Ok, so therapy has moved from lobotomies to... As I said, therapy seems to be devoid of any real definition.
        digler999 10y ago
        psychotherapy is a form of treatment for many psychological disorders as defined by the DSM-V. The treatment varies based on the therapist's style and patient preference, but it always centers around talking to a licensed professional about the patient's feelings, behaviors, thoughts, dreams, fears. Through talking, the therapist can spot patterns of harmful and destructive beliefs and thought patterns. To use a bit of jargon, they can deconstruct a patient's defenses and suggest changes in thoughts/actions that - if followed - may often alleviate some or all of the symptoms. Perhaps the thing that bothers you is that it's an inexact science ?
dominotw 10y ago
>One piece of advice I have for you is to not take on the role of mental health professional in your relationship. This isn't your problem and you can quickly tire yourself out. This is precisely the opposite of what happened in the post in question. Cause of anxiety was wanting to live a lifestyle and not wanting to work a stressful job. Marriage and "permission" to quit solved the issue immediately. None of the therapy stuff did them any good, she didn't need therapy as soon as the underlying problem was identified and solved by them. No amount of sleeping, exercising or eating kale would have solved that.
- michaelkeenan 10y ago
  I get a different impression from the post. Rather than quitting and marriage solving the problem immediately, I think she still has anxiety, because he wrote: "She still has anxiety, and I imagine she always will. But we are able to deal with this in a much more productive way. Sure, there are times where it all gets a bit too much" I don't think it's correct to say "None of the therapy stuff did them any good" because therapy isn't mentioned in the post. If you meant counseling, he mentioned that positively, in the context of the useful decision to quit the job: "we found a private counsellor who could help get to the route of what was causing some of this anxiety — we then discussed a lot of these sessions and reflected on them and tried to put into practice some of the advice we were receiving. We also made big and brave decisions like my wife quitting her exhausting job up in London"
  - dominotw 10y ago
    >She still has anxiety, and I imagine she always will. Wouldn't it be strange for a human being to have no anxiety ? >we found a private counsellor who could help get to the route of what was causing some of this anxiety I understood this as the counsellor putting a rubber stamp on what they already knew, so that the decision could be made guilt free.
    - skybrian 10y ago
      Feeling anxious sometimes and suffering from anxiety attacks are different things. Most people (I assume) don't suffer from anxiety attacks like described here. The people who do get anxiety attacks would like it to stop.
hashmp 10y ago
"- Realizing that anxiety isn't who you are, but more like a disturbance that will pass" Absolutely. Roll with it, it will pass, there is no question of this. Keep going, if you can, and wait for it to lift.
- superdude 10y ago
  Yes, good point to try to keep in mind.
tmalsburg2 10y ago
> Realizing that anxiety isn't who you are, but more like a disturbance that will pass This is the right attitude during an anxiety attack, because while it is happening there isn't much you can do but to remind yourself that it's going to pass. However, my personal experience is that anxiety is not a random infliction but something that can have very concrete causes that need to be worked on. Identifying these causes can be a long process, though. In many cases anxieties arise when we have deeply rooted unhealthy habits that seem so much part of our lives that it doesn't even occur to us that they could possibly be changed. OP writes that his wife had to commute four hours a day which in itself will affect mental well-being but which may also point to career issues. Fixing that was apparently part of the solution.
NumberCruncher 10y ago
>> This isn't your problem and you can quickly tire yourself out. This is totally right. >> All you have to do to support is help your wife accept her current state, and help remind her of living in the present. And this is totally wrong. I lived 4 years long together with someone having anxiety like the wife of the OP. We could literally never go out just like other joung couples because she was afraid of crowded places. Guess who did I met on the overcrowded dancing floor 3 months after breaking up? She and her friends. People sometimes only need the opportunity and free space to take the responsibility for their own conditions and to take care about their own shit. With great responsibility comes great power.

by physcab 10y ago

Broken_Hippo 10y ago

"One piece of advice I have for you is to not take on the role of mental health professional in your relationship" So much this. My first husband was schizo-affective. I often felt I was in the role of caregiver and part-time mental health professional, all while trying to work to supoprt us both. And this was while he had medications to help him and very regular psychiatrist appointments. Looking back, I should have insisted that I was ill-prepared to do all the stuff. I should have insisted on some therapy for myself as well, and asked for more help from the mental health services, possibly wellness checks and other such things. It is so much easier to say this stuff now in my late 30's than it was in my early to mid 20's, however.

xahrepap 10y ago
> I should have insisted on some therapy for myself as well Yes. So much this. I suffer from pretty serious anxiety. And just a few months ago I was fighting through the worst of it. Looking back at how much my wife was doing and how stressed she was... I feel like she could've benefitted from therapy almost more than me. I wish we as a culture can get over the therapy stereotypes. Both my kids see a therapist on a regular basis and have been for years (adopted through foster care. Lots of trauma). We've been trying to help them learn how helpful it is. It's fun to see them ... brag(?) ... about going to therapy. They are excited when I ask them after work about their day and how they got to see their friend, the therapist. When talking to other people who feel like they need therapy but are too embarrassed, and just tell them about my kids. Ask them if they would judge them for going. Talk about how much they love it. One day therapy will be more common!
- jsprogrammer 10y ago
  My problem with "therapy" is that the word is woefully undefined. Sticking an ice pick up a person's nose, into their brain, and just moving the pick around has been counted as therapy.
  - dom0 10y ago
    Wasn't that done through the eye socket?
  - echlebek 10y ago
    They're talking cognitive behavioural therapy.
    - deleted 10y ago
      [deleted]
  - freehunter 10y ago
    Yeah and leeches used to be called "medicine" but if you shy away from doctors because of what the profession practiced in the past (things that are illegal now) you're not exactly doing yourself any favors. Therapy these days does not mean lobotomies.
    - jsprogrammer 10y ago
      Ok, so therapy has moved from lobotomies to... As I said, therapy seems to be devoid of any real definition.
      - digler999 10y ago
        psychotherapy is a form of treatment for many psychological disorders as defined by the DSM-V. The treatment varies based on the therapist's style and patient preference, but it always centers around talking to a licensed professional about the patient's feelings, behaviors, thoughts, dreams, fears. Through talking, the therapist can spot patterns of harmful and destructive beliefs and thought patterns. To use a bit of jargon, they can deconstruct a patient's defenses and suggest changes in thoughts/actions that - if followed - may often alleviate some or all of the symptoms. Perhaps the thing that bothers you is that it's an inexact science ?

dominotw 10y ago

>One piece of advice I have for you is to not take on the role of mental health professional in your relationship. This isn't your problem and you can quickly tire yourself out. This is precisely the opposite of what happened in the post in question. Cause of anxiety was wanting to live a lifestyle and not wanting to work a stressful job. Marriage and "permission" to quit solved the issue immediately. None of the therapy stuff did them any good, she didn't need therapy as soon as the underlying problem was identified and solved by them. No amount of sleeping, exercising or eating kale would have solved that.

michaelkeenan 10y ago
I get a different impression from the post. Rather than quitting and marriage solving the problem immediately, I think she still has anxiety, because he wrote: "She still has anxiety, and I imagine she always will. But we are able to deal with this in a much more productive way. Sure, there are times where it all gets a bit too much" I don't think it's correct to say "None of the therapy stuff did them any good" because therapy isn't mentioned in the post. If you meant counseling, he mentioned that positively, in the context of the useful decision to quit the job: "we found a private counsellor who could help get to the route of what was causing some of this anxiety — we then discussed a lot of these sessions and reflected on them and tried to put into practice some of the advice we were receiving. We also made big and brave decisions like my wife quitting her exhausting job up in London"
- dominotw 10y ago
  >She still has anxiety, and I imagine she always will. Wouldn't it be strange for a human being to have no anxiety ? >we found a private counsellor who could help get to the route of what was causing some of this anxiety I understood this as the counsellor putting a rubber stamp on what they already knew, so that the decision could be made guilt free.
  - skybrian 10y ago
    Feeling anxious sometimes and suffering from anxiety attacks are different things. Most people (I assume) don't suffer from anxiety attacks like described here. The people who do get anxiety attacks would like it to stop.

hashmp 10y ago

"- Realizing that anxiety isn't who you are, but more like a disturbance that will pass" Absolutely. Roll with it, it will pass, there is no question of this. Keep going, if you can, and wait for it to lift.

superdude 10y ago
Yes, good point to try to keep in mind.

tmalsburg2 10y ago

> Realizing that anxiety isn't who you are, but more like a disturbance that will pass This is the right attitude during an anxiety attack, because while it is happening there isn't much you can do but to remind yourself that it's going to pass. However, my personal experience is that anxiety is not a random infliction but something that can have very concrete causes that need to be worked on. Identifying these causes can be a long process, though. In many cases anxieties arise when we have deeply rooted unhealthy habits that seem so much part of our lives that it doesn't even occur to us that they could possibly be changed. OP writes that his wife had to commute four hours a day which in itself will affect mental well-being but which may also point to career issues. Fixing that was apparently part of the solution.

NumberCruncher 10y ago

>> This isn't your problem and you can quickly tire yourself out. This is totally right. >> All you have to do to support is help your wife accept her current state, and help remind her of living in the present. And this is totally wrong. I lived 4 years long together with someone having anxiety like the wife of the OP. We could literally never go out just like other joung couples because she was afraid of crowded places. Guess who did I met on the overcrowded dancing floor 3 months after breaking up? She and her friends. People sometimes only need the opportunity and free space to take the responsibility for their own conditions and to take care about their own shit. With great responsibility comes great power.