5 ms·

This is essentially the justification for arranged marriages. (I definitely got this from my father)

by param 16y ago

potatolicious 16y ago
Have an upvote - arranged marriages are extremely poorly understood by the West. There's the impression that they are anti-woman and coercive, which is far from the truth for the majority of cultures that practice it. For the uninformed: for most cultures (that I've seen) that do arranged marriages (in modern times, anyhow), the woman and the man both have the right to veto. Think of it as an extremely pre-vetted, parent-driven dating service and you'll have a better idea than the "ohnoes! people pressed into marriage against their will!" swill that the media likes to spin up. Instead of you going out to find your mate, your parents/family do it, they do all the groundwork, and you simply meet the girl/guy a number of times, then both of you get to decide if that's it.
- pyre 16y ago
  I think that people see arranged marriages for what they were in the past in Europe (i.e. royalty being forced to marry foreign royalty to seal a treaty or ensure peace, etc) or in the Middle East (i.e. The father needs some goats, so he trades his daughter's hand in marriage for 10 goats). It also doesn't help that most of the arranged marriages in the movies or on television just use it as a plot device to throw adversity at the main character (i.e. evil mother doesn't like daughter, when the father dies she 'sells' her daughter's hand in marriage to a wealthy slob).
- ErrantX 16y ago
  I don't personally find arranged marriage inviting - but I agree it's a cultural thing. At least done right (as you explain) it's just a different way of doing things. But be careful painting a 100% rosy picture. There is a large problem with arranged marriages "forced" through familial, social and religious pressure. I think people (rightly) disapprove of that and by-extension accidentally disapprove of arranged marriage in general.
- dangrover 16y ago
  Interesting! My entire knowledge of that is from Fiddler on the Roof. http://www.guntheranderson.com/v/data/doyoulov.htm http://www.guntheranderson.com/v/data/doyoulov.htm
  - potatolicious 16y ago
    IMHO there are problems with arranged marriages - for one thing I personally don't believe that a few supervised visits are sufficient to really determine if you want to spend the rest of your life with someone. But, the numbers do speak for themselves - divorce rates are much lower for arranged marriages. Perhaps there is social pressure preventing divorces in that context, but IMHO the objective, neutral third-party assessment of your potential partner plays into that as well. "We love each other so things will work out" is a nice thought, but often not reality. That being said, I'm culturally ingrained to find my own mate, so that's that for me :P
- brandnewlow 16y ago
  I think even in the West a lot of relationships are set up that way. We're just in denial about it. Your parents meet someone who has a cute son/daughter. Lightbulb goes off. Events suddenly mysteriously convalesce to bring the two of you together for a "chance" meeting.
  - megablast 16y ago
    I have never heard of a marriage starting from this, apart form in the movies.
    - eru 16y ago
      You probably don't live close to your parents.
- philwelch 16y ago
  Westerners like to view any marriage practice other than their own as sexist (polygamy, arranged marriages) without realizing that traditional Western marriage is sexist as well. Modern Western marriages are less sexist, but it's not especially or necessarily true that self-arranged monogamous marriages are less sexist than the alternative.
- balakk 16y ago
  As somebody from that culture, I think that's way too simplistic. Like all other things, there are good sides and bad sides. Good things: - Pre-vetted as you say, so there's some due diligence done. - It's easier(in some aspects) if your partner belongs to the same community(religion, sect, whatever) - Longevity. In such cultures, marriage is held sacred, and people put up with lots of strain to keep the thread going. This is good for kids, if not for the individuals. Bad things: - Parental pressure: Though there's no compulsion, there's immense psychological pressure from relatives/peers/friends. In my culture, the girls bear the brunt, although the tide is slowly changing. It gets worse when your parents are financially or socially backwards. - It's very difficult to find somebody aligned to your interests/tastes - essentially a lottery. - You get very little time to socialize and understand each other. This is changing a bit, but still the socializing starts after you're engaged, which is basically pointless IMHO. The go/no-go decision is usually a snap decision. That sucks. I'd write more, but hey this is hacker news..

This is essentially the justification for arranged marriages. (I definitely got this from my father)

by param 16y ago

This is essentially the justification for arranged marriages. (I definitely got this from my father)

Have an upvote - arranged marriages are extremely poorly understood by the West. There's the impression that they are anti-woman and coercive, which is far from the truth for the majority of cultures that practice it. For the uninformed: for most cultures (that I've seen) that do arranged marriages (in modern times, anyhow), the woman and the man both have the right to veto. Think of it as an extremely pre-vetted, parent-driven dating service and you'll have a better idea than the "ohnoes! people pressed into marriage against their will!" swill that the media likes to spin up. Instead of you going out to find your mate, your parents/family do it, they do all the groundwork, and you simply meet the girl/guy a number of times, then both of you get to decide if that's it.

pyre 16y ago
I think that people see arranged marriages for what they were in the past in Europe (i.e. royalty being forced to marry foreign royalty to seal a treaty or ensure peace, etc) or in the Middle East (i.e. The father needs some goats, so he trades his daughter's hand in marriage for 10 goats). It also doesn't help that most of the arranged marriages in the movies or on television just use it as a plot device to throw adversity at the main character (i.e. evil mother doesn't like daughter, when the father dies she 'sells' her daughter's hand in marriage to a wealthy slob).
ErrantX 16y ago
I don't personally find arranged marriage inviting - but I agree it's a cultural thing. At least done right (as you explain) it's just a different way of doing things. But be careful painting a 100% rosy picture. There is a large problem with arranged marriages "forced" through familial, social and religious pressure. I think people (rightly) disapprove of that and by-extension accidentally disapprove of arranged marriage in general.
dangrover 16y ago
Interesting! My entire knowledge of that is from Fiddler on the Roof. http://www.guntheranderson.com/v/data/doyoulov.htm http://www.guntheranderson.com/v/data/doyoulov.htm
- potatolicious 16y ago
  IMHO there are problems with arranged marriages - for one thing I personally don't believe that a few supervised visits are sufficient to really determine if you want to spend the rest of your life with someone. But, the numbers do speak for themselves - divorce rates are much lower for arranged marriages. Perhaps there is social pressure preventing divorces in that context, but IMHO the objective, neutral third-party assessment of your potential partner plays into that as well. "We love each other so things will work out" is a nice thought, but often not reality. That being said, I'm culturally ingrained to find my own mate, so that's that for me :P
brandnewlow 16y ago
I think even in the West a lot of relationships are set up that way. We're just in denial about it. Your parents meet someone who has a cute son/daughter. Lightbulb goes off. Events suddenly mysteriously convalesce to bring the two of you together for a "chance" meeting.
- megablast 16y ago
  I have never heard of a marriage starting from this, apart form in the movies.
  - eru 16y ago
    You probably don't live close to your parents.
philwelch 16y ago
Westerners like to view any marriage practice other than their own as sexist (polygamy, arranged marriages) without realizing that traditional Western marriage is sexist as well. Modern Western marriages are less sexist, but it's not especially or necessarily true that self-arranged monogamous marriages are less sexist than the alternative.
balakk 16y ago
As somebody from that culture, I think that's way too simplistic. Like all other things, there are good sides and bad sides. Good things: - Pre-vetted as you say, so there's some due diligence done. - It's easier(in some aspects) if your partner belongs to the same community(religion, sect, whatever) - Longevity. In such cultures, marriage is held sacred, and people put up with lots of strain to keep the thread going. This is good for kids, if not for the individuals. Bad things: - Parental pressure: Though there's no compulsion, there's immense psychological pressure from relatives/peers/friends. In my culture, the girls bear the brunt, although the tide is slowly changing. It gets worse when your parents are financially or socially backwards. - It's very difficult to find somebody aligned to your interests/tastes - essentially a lottery. - You get very little time to socialize and understand each other. This is changing a bit, but still the socializing starts after you're engaged, which is basically pointless IMHO. The go/no-go decision is usually a snap decision. That sucks. I'd write more, but hey this is hacker news..