7 ms·

I know HN is largely male and single, so here's my hindsight advice that I'd give myself if I had to do it again (I'm married and went through some #@$%): The

by jayliew 16y ago

I know HN is largely male and single, so here's my hindsight advice that I'd give myself if I had to do it again (I'm married and went through some #@$%): The girl that ran off with the other co-founder? Just by reading that blog post and not knowing any of them, I am willing to bet there's something in her past that has not been resolved with professional help (i.e. therapist/psychiatrist), and that I am also willing to bet that the co-founder that she ran off with - they probably did not sail of into the sunset and lived happily ever after. If anyone knows for sure that I am wrong - I would be very curious to know, but I'm pretty sure about it. At the surface, humans make their own choices, but there's usually a pattern - as much as we won't like admitting that we can be predictable - being shaped by our parents and upbringing. Some advice that I wish I was told, that I had to learn the hard way: * (Very) Red flag: F'd up parents or f'd up childhood upbringing. You'd think that you're marrying her for what she is today and what she will be tomorrow - but no - all that stuff in the past needs to be dealt with first - and I mean, professionally (therapist/psychiatrist). Maybe obvious, but it's easy to be blinded when you're love. If you meet a woman in a bar for the first time and she casually mentions about this fact in her past: RUN. Move on to the next girl while you have not invested anything in the relationship, before you've now sunk in time, energy, money and emotion. * Go for the outspoken / confident ones. Or at least, do not be fooled: the quiet / shy / low self-esteem types .. could mean that they're just hiding a lot more than you know. The ones who blabber and talk to much? Well, at least you know there's less that they are possibly hiding (generalization of course). * Anyone who's had this happen to them before? NOBODY saw it coming. If this happens, you will always be blind-sided. So therefore, pay serious attention to your due diligence.

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niallsmart 16y ago
Don't let the complete lack of detail in the original article hold you back from making some giant extrapolations there.
- jayliew 16y ago
  My comment was not scientific, but it served to counter-balance the lack of hypothesis from the other comments at the time, where basically nobody read more into it and the consensus was "oh well, shit happens". Sure, it's from my personal bias / experience - but all I was saying is that nobody pointed out that there's a strong likelihood / probability that <hypothesis> the girl had some issues </hypothesis> - which could <hypothesis> be independent of the whole startup drama </hypothesis> to begin with. So "girl ran of with my co-founder" without any analysis on the girl herself, only serves to sensationalize the startup drama more, as opposed to asking "did the drama have anything to do with girl running off with co-founder, or vice versa" And my tangential point to the post about the startup drama is, aside from watching out for the co-founder dynamics gotchas / pot holes, watch out for girls with issues. Hypothetically, what I'm also saying is, if you were the other co-founder (the one that "got the girl"), don't be too quick to think you've won everything (meaning, you may not want that girl). The statement that you just read is also a hypothesis, just in case. http://blog.daryn.net/post/32264049/paul-buchheit-limited-life-experience http://blog.daryn.net/post/32264049/paul-buchheit-limited-li... I can't edit the comment I originally posted - by I now wish I started it with, "anybody who's been burned like this before knows exactly what I'm talking about. If you haven't, feel free to pooh pooh my comment and disregard - I apologize for wasting your time." p.s. the remark I made about this being a pattern can be argued that it's not just a personal bias - if there's anyone who's familiar with family therapy / psychiatry here - you'll know what I'm talking about.
param 16y ago
This is essentially the justification for arranged marriages. (I definitely got this from my father)
- potatolicious 16y ago
  Have an upvote - arranged marriages are extremely poorly understood by the West. There's the impression that they are anti-woman and coercive, which is far from the truth for the majority of cultures that practice it. For the uninformed: for most cultures (that I've seen) that do arranged marriages (in modern times, anyhow), the woman and the man both have the right to veto. Think of it as an extremely pre-vetted, parent-driven dating service and you'll have a better idea than the "ohnoes! people pressed into marriage against their will!" swill that the media likes to spin up. Instead of you going out to find your mate, your parents/family do it, they do all the groundwork, and you simply meet the girl/guy a number of times, then both of you get to decide if that's it.
  - pyre 16y ago
    I think that people see arranged marriages for what they were in the past in Europe (i.e. royalty being forced to marry foreign royalty to seal a treaty or ensure peace, etc) or in the Middle East (i.e. The father needs some goats, so he trades his daughter's hand in marriage for 10 goats). It also doesn't help that most of the arranged marriages in the movies or on television just use it as a plot device to throw adversity at the main character (i.e. evil mother doesn't like daughter, when the father dies she 'sells' her daughter's hand in marriage to a wealthy slob).
  - ErrantX 16y ago
    I don't personally find arranged marriage inviting - but I agree it's a cultural thing. At least done right (as you explain) it's just a different way of doing things. But be careful painting a 100% rosy picture. There is a large problem with arranged marriages "forced" through familial, social and religious pressure. I think people (rightly) disapprove of that and by-extension accidentally disapprove of arranged marriage in general.
  - 16y ago
deleted 16y ago
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ErrantX 16y ago
Go for the outspoken / confident ones. Or at least, do not be fooled: the quiet / shy / low self-esteem types Hmm, empirically I think this is the wrong way round. Or rather, yes, the shy girl may have emotional issues. But she is unlikely to leave you (instead become dependant). Rather it is the extrovert ones who will quickly move on to someone more interesting. To be honest your mostly making a few gross generalisations based on some personal experience. I could pitch plenty of counter-examples from my own (and friends) experiences to invalidate pretty much all of it as an absolute theory :)
- kscaldef 16y ago
  I think the error is in concluding outspoken == confident and quiet/shy == low self-esteem.

by jayliew 16y ago

deleted 16y ago

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niallsmart 16y ago

Don't let the complete lack of detail in the original article hold you back from making some giant extrapolations there.

jayliew 16y ago
My comment was not scientific, but it served to counter-balance the lack of hypothesis from the other comments at the time, where basically nobody read more into it and the consensus was "oh well, shit happens". Sure, it's from my personal bias / experience - but all I was saying is that nobody pointed out that there's a strong likelihood / probability that <hypothesis> the girl had some issues </hypothesis> - which could <hypothesis> be independent of the whole startup drama </hypothesis> to begin with. So "girl ran of with my co-founder" without any analysis on the girl herself, only serves to sensationalize the startup drama more, as opposed to asking "did the drama have anything to do with girl running off with co-founder, or vice versa" And my tangential point to the post about the startup drama is, aside from watching out for the co-founder dynamics gotchas / pot holes, watch out for girls with issues. Hypothetically, what I'm also saying is, if you were the other co-founder (the one that "got the girl"), don't be too quick to think you've won everything (meaning, you may not want that girl). The statement that you just read is also a hypothesis, just in case. http://blog.daryn.net/post/32264049/paul-buchheit-limited-life-experience http://blog.daryn.net/post/32264049/paul-buchheit-limited-li... I can't edit the comment I originally posted - by I now wish I started it with, "anybody who's been burned like this before knows exactly what I'm talking about. If you haven't, feel free to pooh pooh my comment and disregard - I apologize for wasting your time." p.s. the remark I made about this being a pattern can be argued that it's not just a personal bias - if there's anyone who's familiar with family therapy / psychiatry here - you'll know what I'm talking about.

param 16y ago

This is essentially the justification for arranged marriages. (I definitely got this from my father)

potatolicious 16y ago
Have an upvote - arranged marriages are extremely poorly understood by the West. There's the impression that they are anti-woman and coercive, which is far from the truth for the majority of cultures that practice it. For the uninformed: for most cultures (that I've seen) that do arranged marriages (in modern times, anyhow), the woman and the man both have the right to veto. Think of it as an extremely pre-vetted, parent-driven dating service and you'll have a better idea than the "ohnoes! people pressed into marriage against their will!" swill that the media likes to spin up. Instead of you going out to find your mate, your parents/family do it, they do all the groundwork, and you simply meet the girl/guy a number of times, then both of you get to decide if that's it.
- pyre 16y ago
  I think that people see arranged marriages for what they were in the past in Europe (i.e. royalty being forced to marry foreign royalty to seal a treaty or ensure peace, etc) or in the Middle East (i.e. The father needs some goats, so he trades his daughter's hand in marriage for 10 goats). It also doesn't help that most of the arranged marriages in the movies or on television just use it as a plot device to throw adversity at the main character (i.e. evil mother doesn't like daughter, when the father dies she 'sells' her daughter's hand in marriage to a wealthy slob).
- ErrantX 16y ago
  I don't personally find arranged marriage inviting - but I agree it's a cultural thing. At least done right (as you explain) it's just a different way of doing things. But be careful painting a 100% rosy picture. There is a large problem with arranged marriages "forced" through familial, social and religious pressure. I think people (rightly) disapprove of that and by-extension accidentally disapprove of arranged marriage in general.
- 16y ago

deleted 16y ago

[deleted]

ErrantX 16y ago

Go for the outspoken / confident ones. Or at least, do not be fooled: the quiet / shy / low self-esteem types Hmm, empirically I think this is the wrong way round. Or rather, yes, the shy girl may have emotional issues. But she is unlikely to leave you (instead become dependant). Rather it is the extrovert ones who will quickly move on to someone more interesting. To be honest your mostly making a few gross generalisations based on some personal experience. I could pitch plenty of counter-examples from my own (and friends) experiences to invalidate pretty much all of it as an absolute theory :)

kscaldef 16y ago
I think the error is in concluding outspoken == confident and quiet/shy == low self-esteem.