4 ms·

Not sure why the author "actively resists" having her spouse as best friend. My wife and I have known each other since high school. She's the only one from high

by sverige 10y ago

Not sure why the author "actively resists" having her spouse as best friend. My wife and I have known each other since high school. She's the only one from high school I still talk to regularly, and she is definitely my best friend. We're in our 50s. She has always been more social than me, and struggles to make female friends. I'm not sure that it works as well for her as it does for me, but the casual acquaintances and handful of friends I've had since hitting my 30s have been enough for me.

davemo 10y ago
The quote in context is: "Husbands and wives may allow their partners to fill the role of best friend, letting other relationships fall by the wayside (something I’ve tried to actively resist)." It seems the author is advising against forsaking other relationships and placing the entirety of the burden to supply all of our friendship needs on our significant other. I think there's wisdom in diversifying our relationship portfolio the same way we do with investments.
solitaire_asdf 10y ago
> She's the only one from high school I still talk to regularly, and she is definitely my best friend. We're in our 50s. I wonder if this is a generational thing, I've kept in touch with a few high school friends, and none of them are married in their early 30's. In the past decade I've forgone serious relationships for studies and work, and I'm alone at 31. It's sad in some ways, but at this point I'm more afraid of a bad partner and financial ruin than taking a chance at a happier life.
- sndean 10y ago
  > I'm more afraid of a bad partner and financial ruin than taking a chance at a happier life. Just curious, what would cause financial ruin? Dating being expensive, etc? Or divorce?
  - theparanoid 10y ago
    Divorce
    - logicchains 10y ago
      What about prenuptial agreements? Anyone who isn't marrying you for your income should be open to one.
      - snerbles 10y ago
        Courts are known to throw out the occasional pre-nup, depending on jurisdiction.
    - deleted 10y ago
      [deleted]
    - wasted_intel 10y ago
      Perfect handle for this response.
- delecti 10y ago
  I'm only in regular contact with one friend from high school, and that's probably only because we also went to college together. It makes sense to me, given how much I and just about everyone I know changed in college, that a friendship from before that wouldn't last. I'm still Facebook friends (we could get in contact, but don't) with several former high school friends though, and nearly all of them have gotten married before turning 30. In my experience it's less a generational thing than a career field thing, because none of those former friends from high school are devs, but the majority of my 30+ dev friends and contacts are unmarried, a tide that's only starting to turn. I won't speculate on what it might be, but there definitely seems to be something about devs that makes us take longer to settle down than average.
- hackuser 10y ago
  > I'm more afraid of a bad partner and financial ruin than taking a chance at a happier life You do get to choose your partner. Perhaps keep looking until you find someone you feel safe with ... you only need to find one.
pimlottc 10y ago
The thinking on this issue seems to go back and forth. On one hand is the view that marriage is primarily an economic partnership to provide the basic for successful child-rearing, and that emotional and intellectual fulfillment could be found via other avenues. The more modern ideals says not only should you be in love with your partner but you should also share the same interests and be one another's primary and perhaps sole confidents. But lately some suggest that expecting your spouse to also be your best friend is impractical and puts too much burden on one single relationship. Instead, the idea goes, you can be perfectly happy with a sufficient level of compatibility and support, while relying on a wider network of relationships to fulfill other intellectual and emotional needs. That not only is it potentially more healthy, but more realistic, as you can't necessary hope to find one person who matches all your interests and pursuits.
- hackuser 10y ago
  > The more modern ideals says not only should you be in love with your partner but you should also share the same interests and be one another's primary and perhaps sole confidents. Do you have some evidence that says such things weren't expected to develop in pre-modern times? It seems hard to imagine it wouldn't happen a lot, naturally, even in arranged marriages. > lately some suggest that expecting your spouse to also be your best friend is impractical I've seen it happen many times. > you can't necessary hope to find one person who matches all your interests and pursuits. You both can change your interests and pursuits enough to match each other. Doing and getting what you want becomes much less important than whom you do it with and their happiness. A good amount of overlap is very helpful, however, but probably people won't get through the initial stages of a relationship without it.
  - pimlottc 10y ago
    Not really, I can't claim any specific historical correlation for these views, mostly just trying to stake out the poles of the spectrum. I'm sure it happened but it just didn't see like the expected outcome. Your advice on purposely dovetailing your interests is interesting, especially contrasted with the advice I often hear about not trying to change your partner. Don't expect change, but give it?

by sverige 10y ago

davemo 10y ago

The quote in context is: "Husbands and wives may allow their partners to fill the role of best friend, letting other relationships fall by the wayside (something I’ve tried to actively resist)." It seems the author is advising against forsaking other relationships and placing the entirety of the burden to supply all of our friendship needs on our significant other. I think there's wisdom in diversifying our relationship portfolio the same way we do with investments.

solitaire_asdf 10y ago

> She's the only one from high school I still talk to regularly, and she is definitely my best friend. We're in our 50s. I wonder if this is a generational thing, I've kept in touch with a few high school friends, and none of them are married in their early 30's. In the past decade I've forgone serious relationships for studies and work, and I'm alone at 31. It's sad in some ways, but at this point I'm more afraid of a bad partner and financial ruin than taking a chance at a happier life.

sndean 10y ago
> I'm more afraid of a bad partner and financial ruin than taking a chance at a happier life. Just curious, what would cause financial ruin? Dating being expensive, etc? Or divorce?
- theparanoid 10y ago
  Divorce
  - logicchains 10y ago
    What about prenuptial agreements? Anyone who isn't marrying you for your income should be open to one.
    - snerbles 10y ago
      Courts are known to throw out the occasional pre-nup, depending on jurisdiction.
  - deleted 10y ago
    [deleted]
  - wasted_intel 10y ago
    Perfect handle for this response.
delecti 10y ago
I'm only in regular contact with one friend from high school, and that's probably only because we also went to college together. It makes sense to me, given how much I and just about everyone I know changed in college, that a friendship from before that wouldn't last. I'm still Facebook friends (we could get in contact, but don't) with several former high school friends though, and nearly all of them have gotten married before turning 30. In my experience it's less a generational thing than a career field thing, because none of those former friends from high school are devs, but the majority of my 30+ dev friends and contacts are unmarried, a tide that's only starting to turn. I won't speculate on what it might be, but there definitely seems to be something about devs that makes us take longer to settle down than average.
hackuser 10y ago
> I'm more afraid of a bad partner and financial ruin than taking a chance at a happier life You do get to choose your partner. Perhaps keep looking until you find someone you feel safe with ... you only need to find one.

pimlottc 10y ago

The thinking on this issue seems to go back and forth. On one hand is the view that marriage is primarily an economic partnership to provide the basic for successful child-rearing, and that emotional and intellectual fulfillment could be found via other avenues. The more modern ideals says not only should you be in love with your partner but you should also share the same interests and be one another's primary and perhaps sole confidents. But lately some suggest that expecting your spouse to also be your best friend is impractical and puts too much burden on one single relationship. Instead, the idea goes, you can be perfectly happy with a sufficient level of compatibility and support, while relying on a wider network of relationships to fulfill other intellectual and emotional needs. That not only is it potentially more healthy, but more realistic, as you can't necessary hope to find one person who matches all your interests and pursuits.

hackuser 10y ago
> The more modern ideals says not only should you be in love with your partner but you should also share the same interests and be one another's primary and perhaps sole confidents. Do you have some evidence that says such things weren't expected to develop in pre-modern times? It seems hard to imagine it wouldn't happen a lot, naturally, even in arranged marriages. > lately some suggest that expecting your spouse to also be your best friend is impractical I've seen it happen many times. > you can't necessary hope to find one person who matches all your interests and pursuits. You both can change your interests and pursuits enough to match each other. Doing and getting what you want becomes much less important than whom you do it with and their happiness. A good amount of overlap is very helpful, however, but probably people won't get through the initial stages of a relationship without it.
- pimlottc 10y ago
  Not really, I can't claim any specific historical correlation for these views, mostly just trying to stake out the poles of the spectrum. I'm sure it happened but it just didn't see like the expected outcome. Your advice on purposely dovetailing your interests is interesting, especially contrasted with the advice I often hear about not trying to change your partner. Don't expect change, but give it?