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I am not particularly shy, but have had enough negative social experiences that a) I have learned to tone things down a bit and b) I am highly skeptical of clai

by Mz 10y ago

I am not particularly shy, but have had enough negative social experiences that a) I have learned to tone things down a bit and b) I am highly skeptical of claims that shyness is some sort of maladaptive behavior that involves imagining terrible things that aren't realistic. People often treat other people pretty badly. Being afraid of the potential consequences is hardly irrational

cheiVia0 10y ago
Is being afraid of the potential consequences a good enough reason to become a hermit? Because that's what many shy people do, while desperately wishing there were some other way. It takes repeated reminders, constant effort and, above all, an unaccustomed determination to take social risks, for shy people to push past the idea that embarrassment, or other people's anger, or some other negative consequence, is reason enough to avoid engaging. More often than not (in my experience, anyway) these fears are completely overblown. And even knowing that, and seeing the imagined disaster not coming to pass, it's still an uphill battle to take the next risk. But even in the rare cases where some fear turns out to be justified, having someone get upset with you, or laugh at you, is not the end of the world that anxiety will try to tell you it is. It's certainly not a good enough reason to doom yourself to unwilling solitude.
- Mz 10y ago
  My oldest son has serious social impairments. I have seen things go stupidly badly for him in ways that can lead to serious problems. I step in and can say the exact same thing he just said and get a completely different response. He has tremendous support from me and a good relationship to his brother. Otherwise he would end up a hermit and I would completely understand at this point. There was a time I would not have. Ideally, the world would have fewer assholes. But it is what it is. If this is a thing you struggle with, I hope you find practical solutions and a deeper understanding of the root causes as that can be extremely empowering.

by Mz 10y ago

cheiVia0 10y ago

Is being afraid of the potential consequences a good enough reason to become a hermit? Because that's what many shy people do, while desperately wishing there were some other way. It takes repeated reminders, constant effort and, above all, an unaccustomed determination to take social risks, for shy people to push past the idea that embarrassment, or other people's anger, or some other negative consequence, is reason enough to avoid engaging. More often than not (in my experience, anyway) these fears are completely overblown. And even knowing that, and seeing the imagined disaster not coming to pass, it's still an uphill battle to take the next risk. But even in the rare cases where some fear turns out to be justified, having someone get upset with you, or laugh at you, is not the end of the world that anxiety will try to tell you it is. It's certainly not a good enough reason to doom yourself to unwilling solitude.

Mz 10y ago
My oldest son has serious social impairments. I have seen things go stupidly badly for him in ways that can lead to serious problems. I step in and can say the exact same thing he just said and get a completely different response. He has tremendous support from me and a good relationship to his brother. Otherwise he would end up a hermit and I would completely understand at this point. There was a time I would not have. Ideally, the world would have fewer assholes. But it is what it is. If this is a thing you struggle with, I hope you find practical solutions and a deeper understanding of the root causes as that can be extremely empowering.